anon

I recently woke up to a friend kissing me with his hands down my trousers. As I was really drunk when it happened I went along with kissing him because in my half asleep drunk state I thought it was a guy I had been seeing. I opened my eyes and just jumped away, and didn’t respond with outrage, as I now wish I had. Oh, and he had a girlfriend. He then told this girlfriend he had cheated on her with me, although that was completely not how it went down. I was then vilified by some of my friends, who didn’t even both to ask me what happened, and assumed I played some kind of temptress role. I have been so traumatised by what happened and what the reaction I had after. I felt I couldn’t even tell anyone, friends included how violated I felt, because of all the trouble it would cause, and how it would come back at me. And I am an educated, middle class 31 year old who is an advocate and social worker. I had a direct insight of how sexual abuse victims must feel, and girls who have experienced much worse. Since confiding in a few female friends about how I really felt, I have been shown how common this kind of behaviour actually is, and most girls have experienced something similar. And this was with someone I considered a nice guy, I don’t even think he has any idea of how I really feel. It has triggered an anger and a fury in me that I have never known, and I can look back on other sexual experiences where I didn’t say no but was drunk, or it wasn’t quite a yes now with the same realisation. It has changed me. I have experience feelings of guilt, shame, depression and isolated myself at times. it makes me realise how important forums like this are, and how we need to educate and mobilise all women not to feel like this, but how deep shame can run even when you are clearly a victim.