Even though I married him because he is a good guy

Husband – I can see you are remorseful and have reflected on what’s going on for you. I am glad you are taking sensible steps to grow into a more self aware person.
Here’s what all this nonsense means to me: I have worked harder than anyone can fathom to accept myself as I am, in spite of and often in opposition to, the opinions of others which have been all too frequently voiced.
At 50, I insecurely insist on my grey hair and reserve the right to feel good about myself without regard to actresses of my age or sporty ‘role models’ who make their living by their looks. After years of being ‘different’ I have now gained some measure of autonomy over my own style. But I still allow your ideas about me to influence my choices – length of hair, perfume, clothes, etc.
Your criticism, disguised as concern, felt manipulative and inexplicably cruel. Am I cruel to you? I ask myself. What have I done to deserve this? Oh. I am fat. That old unforgivable. The greatest sin. It seems I can’t leave Philadelphia no matter where I travel.
I am furious that I give you so much power over me, that I let you influence me – even that I let your opinion of me matter more in some ways than my own.
All week now I have stuffed my face in spite of you. I have followed, in my head, nearly everything you’ve said to me with ‘What a shame for you that I am so fat’ or ‘Gosh, if only I wasn’t looking, little by little, worse and worse.’ Or ‘I must be a terrible embarrassment to you, being so fat.’
So whatever you think you suffer from – lack of breast feeding or whatever – rest assured there is no suffering like feeling loathsome to your partner who you have always trusted with your life but who now feels unpredictably abusive and who, after 20 years together, you are so entangled with that the thought of divorce is really just a sick feeling in your core.
And yet, the thought of growing old with you now genuinely frightens me. Will I be spurned for my wrinkles? What if I would like to nap more? Will I be able to be wise, slow and graceful or will that be interpreted as giving up? I am no more interested in death denial than I am in life denial. Can you handle this?! A real life with a real woman who is stronger on the inside than the outside and whose inevitable decay and death will run parallel with your own. It’s all I am offering.
– Wife