birthday

I was a freshman in college when this happened. It was the night before my birthday, a bunch of my friends and I were at a house party to celebrate. I drank a lot, but you know it was my birthday and I just wanted to have a good night with no worries. Throughout the night my friends left one by one, until there was only one girl I recognized, a friend of a friend. By this time I was so far gone I wished I would have just went home. The friend of a friend was going over to a frat house to meet up with this one guy she met on Tinder and I went with her because I didn’t want to be left alone and I knew I was in no state to be left alone. We are up in Tinder boys bedroom, we both told him we were on our period, I lied, I wasn’t on my period but I hoped that he would get the idea. We all fooled around a little bit, I cant even remember what happened next. All I know is he was on top of me and my pants were off. I don’t remember what made him stopped, if I pushed him off of me or if he just finished what he was doing. We were all laying there after, me and the friend of a friend finally left. I asked her if he raped me and she said yes. I was so numb. She texted him and called him out on it and he said it wasn’t his fault. I was suppose to go to a therapist the next week but I bailed. I know how drunk I was, to the point where I don’t remember half the night, so I thought how was I suppose to remember what happened, how would someone believe me. I’m terrified when I walk around campus, what if I run into him, what do I do. I don’t even know if I should celebrate my birthday anymore. I can’t help to blame myself because of how drunk I was. I don’t even know if these are the kind of stories you want to hear, it just felt really good to get a little bit off my chest. This happened in February, it is now August, not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.