Tallula

I grew up very sheltered and was never really taught of the differences between boys and girls. When I hit puberty before all the other girls in my year I became thoroughly aware of the differences the hard way. My breasts and hips made it so that my unisex primary school uniform no longer fit properly and exposed my stomach and sometimes my bum if I bent over. I began to notice boys starting to stare and touching me more and more often at 10 years old. I had a close female friend of mine accuse my boyfriend at the time of only being with me because I had matured at the age of 12. It turned out he was only after me for the same reason, leaving me for my best friend a month later when I refused to let him touch me. As a result of seeking constant male validation I developed this internalised misogony that I must be thin. I become depressed and bulimic before age 14. Between the ages of 12 and 17 I have been in 9 unhealthy relationships with both males and females in which I have been pressured into sexual acts although I have managed to evade rape, I victim shame myself on a regular basis although I always tell my friends it is not their fault. I want to change but I have been brainwashed, my current boyfriend is slowly helping me get better but sometimes I still crave the validation of the male gaze.