I’ve recently realised that an experience I went through in 2014 wasn’t just an embarrassing mistake. I’m saddened that I didn’t even realise that I had been sexually assaulted. I was so ashamed. Ending up in an alleyway having sex. I remember thinking ‘don’t get with that guy.’ I had normalised it and blamed myself for drinking too much and had put it down to making bad choices. But I couldn’t choose those events, I couldn’t make good or bad choices. I was beyond wasted.
My memories go-
At bar ‘dont get with this guy, I can tell he’s interested.’
Sat at sofa with him very close to me, strong and in control.
On top of him in an alleyway. A kind of ‘waking up’ feeling where I became more conscious of where I was and what I was doing.
Leaving the situation on my own. (Just thinking leave,leave,leave)
Waking up having passed out on a wall.
Trying to walk home and being so drunk and confused I couldn’t find my way despite it being a regular route for me.
The fact I hadn’t realised that I was taken advantage of is the ‘everyday sexism’ bit for me. Rape culture created a space where I blamed myself for being so stupid. For taking those risks. For not being alert. For drinking too much… I can see now that I was incapacitated to consent.