I teach private music lessons. My student’s dad just tried to come on to me, saying “don’t be mad, I’d really like to kiss you.” I can help sort of blaming myself; since we’ve been friends for 3 years and have a close relationship with his daughter. He broke my trust. And I was scared. And now he’s begging me not to drop his daughter from my studio. Saying his daughter doesn’t have to pay for his mistakes. He was being a creep!
What did he expect was going to happen?? That I would say “oh sure” and kiss him, start an affair, and have to face his daughter and his wife every week? Or just forgive an inappropriate and unprofessional advance, and let it slide by without doing anything? That we would still carry on being friends?
I’m scared to tell anyone, because I’m scared they’ll ask what I was doing in his house. See that I made a dumb mistake. After 3 years of getting coffee with my friend, we decided to get some dinner and watch tv in his home. Which I’ve been going to for years. So stupid. Or lecture me about how to be more safe in my work. I think I’m projecting my self judgement into others, that I’ve probably internalized myself.
I don’t like that the solution is – never be alone in a room with a man. Never. We inform and reflect our own projections and judgments about what women should and shouldn’t do to avoid being sexually harassed.
I said “I feel unsafe and uncomfortable. I like teaching your daughter but I have to think about what to do. Don’t follow me.”
Why didn’t I just say – I’m flattered, but no thank you. Because that SUCKS. I shouldn’t have to nice my way pout of those shitty situations.
Why can’t women just exist? I don’t want to feel scared doing my job to the point where I can’t be alone in a room with another man.
I feel like I have a responsibility to myself and to women to drop this guy’s family from the studio. His daughter losing out on my teaching isn’t the consequence of my actions. It’s his. He’s emotionally manipulative, and taking advantage of our friendship. I shouldn’t let harmful actions that have become the norm go unchallenged by letting it slide, even if it disappoints my student. Am I being selfish by dropping her? I don’t think it’s realistic to keep her in the studio. And I feel like I have an opportunity to make a larger stand about what’s right.
The boundaries are weird, because he’s my friend AND my student’s parent. He is both.
He needs to learn. If you sexually harass your daughters teacher, sorry no more lessons. Its a professional matter. It’s not good for you or your daughter. She’ll find another teacher, who you hopefully will not come on to.
How do I frame this? Were his actions deliberate? Has our friendship and professional relationship been a lie? Did he just feel so open that he felt we couldn’t talk about it, without judgement? Am I naive? Why am I blaming myself and taking responsibility for someone else’s problems?