Mackenzie Davison
I recently discovered (through therapy) that what I had classified as a sexual assult is in fact, rape. I was at a house party with friends and a guy that I had known for years started to pay more attention to me. He asked me to go outside in the freezing cold and while we were getting warm in his car, he asked me to give him a kiss. He said that because we were close to the New Year and he wasn’t going to a party, that I owed him a kiss. I was thrown off because we had never ever flirted or interacted in this way and I was never sure he even knew who I was (we worked with a lot of people). I was drunk and the kiss seemed harmless enough so I agreed, still puzzled. We eventually came back inside and by then the party had died down. I was not in any shape to drive home and my other friends started either piling into cars to head home or were finding other places to sleep at this house party. I don’t remember much for probably a space of 5 mins, but when I ‘came to’ the guy who I thought was my friend was on top of me and inside me. I remember again, being so surprized beacuse we had never interacted much at work and I had never thought he was even interested in me. I remember being confused but also, sadly, happy that someone was paying attention to me. I thought brieftly about pushing him off me but decided to just deal with it and wait until it was over.That seemed to be the safer decision. Once he was done, he looked over to this other guy in the bed next to me and said ” do you want to go next?”. Just like that. Like I had no say in the experience or my body. Thankfully the other guys said no. Once I was free, I stumbled out of the bed and ran upstairs to where I knew my friend was sleeping, hoping that her prescence would protect me. My abuser came up the stairs and followed me into the room. He laid down beside me and proceeded to pull down my underwear and to dig his fingers inside me. I reapedly asked him to stop. I pushed his hand away and moved away. I even went to the other side of the room and he followed. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night because he kept digging inside me. I left early that next morning and felt sick to my stomach for days after. I was jumpy around other men or when I was even alone. This is not the only time I have been assaulted but it still flashes in my mind as I go to sleep at night, or when I get ready and look in the mirror and think I look nice. I am grateful to my therapist who is helping me unpack these memories and teaching me how to deal with my trauma. I found this platform and am grateful to add my voice to the millions of other women around the world. We wont be silenced.