I told this guy I had been dating that I didn’t want to have sex until we were definitely in a committed relationship. We hung out 3-4 days per week for a few weeks and were sleeping over at each other’s places. He was texting me a few times per day just to chat. We were getting really close and I decided I was ready to have sex. I told him that. We had sex. The next day he didn’t text me. his excuse was that he was sick. I decided I would let it slide, once. The rest of the week he texted me unenthusiastically once per day, almost as if it were obligatory for the rest of the week. I saw him on Friday night. I told him that the lack of communication wasn’t ok. We talked, he said he had had a really stressful week at work and almost had gotten fired. He said he would get back to normal. He didn’t. Another week went by of the same shit. We talked again. He didn’t go back to normal again. I feel manipulated.
It doesn’t always happen, but… It really sucks when I’m dating a male love interest and he asks about my past relationships, learns of my bisexuality, and doesn’t take it seriously, even if I tell him I’m monogamous. “It’s fine if you sleep with a woman, as long as I’m there too!” He said. I laughed it off as a joke the first time, but he said it every time we were reminded of my sexuality. I always told him that for someone monogamous like myself, three-ways are not my thing, but I guess ten times isn’t enough to get through to him. I finally snapped at him at the end about how disrespectful he was when he treated romantic/sexual relationships between two women like they weren’t valid or real, or were for his pleasure. But in the end, he still said the same things to me. “You can do anything you want with a woman! As long as I’m there too!” I really don’t know why I let this relationship last beyond the first day, but I’m glad it didn’t last long.
Around 5 years ago a colleague asked me out on a date and I accepted. We had a nice night but I quickly realised that I wasn’t interested in him romantically. I had come out of a relationship around a year earlier and if I’m honest I was still in love with this other guy and not ready for a seriously relationship, which was what my date clearly wanted. I tried to communicate this to him after he had very kindly driven me home but he wouldn’t take no for an answer so I ended up agreeing to trying things out with him, although I explained that we would have to take things emotionally and physically slowly. We then end up kissing in the front seat of his car and he proceeds to place his hand under my dress and insert his finger into my vagina. I had literally just told him that I wanted to take things slowly and he proceeds to touch me sexually! I stopped kissing him and told him that this was “too soon” and he removes his hand and we start kissing again and literally 30 seconds later he proceeds to do the same thing again. I didn’t say anything to him and I just thought you had your chance, I asked you not to and you’ve gone and done it again so I know now that I don’t want anything more to do with you. The next day he sent me a load of text messages and offered to drive me home from work. I told him not to because I was perfectly happy to get public transport plus he wasn’t working that day and we lived in completely opposite parts of the city but he still wouldn’t take no for an answer. I had a text message when I got out of work telling me he was waiting for me so I got into the car and ended things as he drove off and asked him to drop me off so that I could get home by public transport. He said no, that he would drop me home and that it was ok, he just wasn’t my type and then told me that he had had a terrible day because his mum tried to commit suicide and then got angrier and more upset as the half hour journey went on, eventually telling me that he was a “nice guy” who deserved a chance and would I like him any more if he was a bastard? Why is it that men who perceive themselves to be “nice guys” feel that they are more deserving of female attention simply for behaving in a normal way? Simply for not being a “bastard”. Why can’t they just accept that a girl is not interested instead of thinking that we owe them a chance simply because they are “nice”. It took me a while to realise that I was sexually assaulted, I think I even laughed about it with my friends the next day. It took me a long time to realise that I was actually violated, I actually felt bad for ending things with him. It shows just how deep-routed sexism is in this world that I actually felt bad for ending things with a man who had sexually assaulted me the day before.
I get a lot of messages on dating sites from guys, and when I ignore their message because I am not interested, they will message again and again. Eventually I tell them I am not interested and I get bombarded with insult, all about my looks ‘You’re not pretty anyway’ Do guys really think by saying that to me it is going to make me want to talk to them, or its going to hurt me? I don’t need to be validated by anyone other than myself and I think, I’m pretty, intelligent, funny, gullible, reliable, hardworking, passionate. Everyone is so much more than just ‘pretty’
The other night while walking home, i realized that i am stronger than he is. It was an idea i’ve never considered before. Me, stronger than the man I love. What if I know it, and he never does? Can I accept that role? Will it comfort me, or make me feel alone? The very idea of it made me feel like my whole world was turning upside down. And what if I’ve been the strong one before? But I’ve never felt it. Never acknowledged the possibility. I think it’s fine to say that women and men can have varying roles within a relationship. But when you actually find yourself filling a role you never saw yourself in. It’s a strange feeling to sit with. I still don’t know how I feel about it.