dating

Anon

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In 2019, I was engaged to a man who is a third grade teacher. He is white and 50 years old. Even though we were sexually intimate regularly, I believe he gave me a roofie and assaulted me. He took me to a bar in an expensive restaurant where I had one drink. I have absolutely no memory after consuming some of that drink. He told me he had to carry me out. He photographed me slumped over in his car. He said we had “crazy” sex. I had bruises and cuts on my body. I remember nothing. But based solely on his admissions, I believe he put a roofy in my drink at that bar for the purpose of asserting power and control over me and assaulting me.

Emma

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I’ve started dating someone new and we’ve been sleeping together for a few weeks. When we had sex a few days ago, he was on top of me and placed one of his hands around my throat. No pressure was applied and it was on there for a few seconds at most but it really shocked and disturbed me. We spoke about it afterwards and he was so apologetic and horrified that he’d upset me. I’m glad we were able to speak about it and I don’t think he could have responded better to me saying how the incident made me feel. The whole incident highlighted the importance of getting consent from a partner before trying any new sex act rather than just testing the water or assuming I’ll like a sex act just because his previous partner did.

Anon

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Recently I went on a date, everything was going amazingly well. He seemed so genuine and intrigued, asked questions and had an actual normal conversation. Didn’t seem to be overly charming or suave, he was nervous and geeky and honest it seemed. I think I was confused by the lack of red flags’ I’d come to learn. What transpired was that he missed his train home (first warning), I felt him unthreatening and invited him round with a clear stipulation about what was and wasn’t happened which he thoroughly nodded to. It was clear we weren’t going to have sex. I’m quite firm and good with boundaries since learning about them. What ended up happening was that he badgered and pestered and kept not hearing no, repeatedly crossed so many lines thinking he was going to go for it and penetrate at any moment. I stopped the whole thing, a few times. What I didn’t do was get angry, mad, scream or kick him out, or even walk to another room because I didn’t want to cause a scene. In the end I consented to having sex, and I didn’t want it. I’m sharing because there is a very odd grey area where I allowed this… but I didn’t enjoy or want it. So consent was achieved, BUT he did know I didn’t want it, he knew from my clear previous no’s, my full explanation about how I wasn’t ready yet and by even my consent “go on then, just do it, that’s what you want”. He knows because he asked during ‘are you consenting to this?’ and was overly questioning if I was ok the next day. He knew, he really did know there was not if’s or but’s about it. I knew something really wrong had happened by the way I felt. The women I spoke looked at me like I was wrong to have feelings abut something so normal, one man was just focussing on why I didn’t cause a fuss or get angry or kick him out. Thing is I was coerced, this person had played a pity card and I felt bad for him which is powerful. AND to be taken note of, the weaker nicer person is also a threat. Really awful that the only thing I can do about protecting other women is report on the dating app (he’s been allowed back on after a few weeks) or report rape and let the authorities decide. Not something in this situation I feel I’d stand a chance at being understood. So I can come here and spread awareness at least.

Maria

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I was dating a guy I met online, he is from North America and I’m orginally from South America. He had ways of approaching that at times were sexists and inappropriate, but always covered by some sort of “dark humor”, so I didn’t pay much attention to it, also since they were almost always within certain sexual or flirtatious context I convince myself to don’t take them so seriously. But now we stopped seeing each other about 6 months ago, occasionally chatting over internet, and last night in the middle of a normal conversation over internet, he said to me “you’d look hot with a dress showing off that full latina bum”. I felt so small, so insignificant, just reduced to a stereotype that does not belong to me. Such a small phrase made me rethink and review the months we were together. I’ve fight against the macho culture, all my life. But I never felt objectify by someone I was actually dating. And now I feel guilty and as it is my fault for allowing him to treat me that way from the very begging.

Maria

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I was dating a guy I met online, he is from North America and I’m orginally from South America. He had ways of approaching that at times were sexists and inappropriate, but always covered by some sort of “dark humor”, so I didn’t pay much attention to it, also since they were almost always within certain sexual or flirtatious context I convince myself to don’t take them so seriously. But now we stopped seeing each other about 6 months ago, occasionally chatting over internet, and last night in the middle of a normal conversation over internet, he said to me “you’d look hot with a dress showing off that full latina bum”. I felt so small, so insignificant, just reduced to a stereotype that does not belong to me. Such a small phrase made me rethink and review the months we were together. I’ve fight against the macho culture, all my life. But I never felt objectify by someone I was actually dating. And now I feel guilty and as it is my fault for allowing him to treat me that way from the very begging.

A.

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idk how to write some of these things that bother me. i am 24,so i had this boyfriend when i was 19-23. He must have been kind and all that at the beginning, though I remember very little of that. i got a vaginal infection after the first few days of sex with him. i dont think that it ever resolved tbh, it still bothers me. but months later after the initial infection, i was horny, and i begun doing anal with him. ther is this day that i said no, it hurts, stop. But he did not stop. instead he said that I would get used to it. IDK..I was shocked, so I pushed him off, you know..it was valentines, i dont like valentines anymore. i often wonder, however, why i forgave him. isnt it rape? He told me that he was enjoying it much, that that is why he never heard me say no. Is that even a thing?You enjoy yourself good, dont even know the other person is saying stop.But yet, you can form a reply,about getting used to it. then this guy never really was concerned with my health. He did not even google my illness. But he only took me to hospital when I asked him to. He did not offer, no. Whatsapp with that? Ik he would have taken his close male friends to hospitaal if they were sick. He disgust me, makes me worry I have more than just a vaginal infection. sometimes writing this may not help, you know, people-I need someone to listen and comment accordingly. but I understand, and am not hating on this site,i just hurt I think. coz I know it is because he was a man that this happened..like girls, even strangers may not jam anyting in your ass and tell you, that you will get used to it.

Jo

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One thing I’ve noticed when I’ve brought a guy back to my place for the first time is how they will go through my stuff, particularly feminine stuff such as makeup, and sneer at it derisively. I also happen to have a large collection of books and technical equipment such as Arduino, but they completely ignore that and instead look to belittle me for ‘spending so much on makeup’ (I don’t, I always buy the cheapest products as I don’t believe in ploughing my feminist dollar into the cosmetics industry, but even if I did that would be none of their business). It seems like these kinds of men who hate women for being so ‘shallow’ are the same ones who will rate women out of ten for their appearance – hypocritical much?

Rachel

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One night I slept with a guy I had been dating for about 7 months, the next morning I found the condom I had given him clearly unused on the floor by the bed. When I asked him about it he said he had started putting it on but was having a little trouble and just decided to forget about it. He acted all incredulous when I got angry about the fact he didn’t bother to ask me first and that I had obviously handed the condom to him because I expected him to wear it! He continued to maintain that I was overreacting even when I explained that if I hadn’t found it on the floor I would never have realised and ran the risk of getting pregnant. When I asked if he’d ever done that to me before and the hesitation before he denied it didn’t fill me with confidence. I never saw him again after that.

Nora

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I’ve just been reading some “tinder horror stories”, and so far most of them have been from the persepective of men dating/hooking up w women. I’ve gotten the overall impression that it’s quite common for guys to be expecting sex or some sort of sexual favor from a girl on the grounds that “she suggested we should go to her place for some pizza/boardgames/wine so I was SURE I was getting laid!” The “horror story” often ends with the guy citing with bitter hostility and resentment that they ACTUALLY only played board games/ate pizza/drank wine (the horror! Why would one want to do such a thing with another human being??) and poor thing ended up going home with “blue balls”. Or it ends with the guy having the sex he seems to feel he is owed against all odds, in an apartment full of cat piss, at an inconvenient hour, or even with someone they don’t find attractive in person, because it’s “free pussy”. Moreover, what struck me as well were the stories when the woman turned out not to be as attractive in person as the guy had thought, and he took that as some sort of insult to him personally, but nonetheless, HAD THE SEX ANYWAY! And what stuck with me, in one of the stories, one guy mentioned that after he had been the poor victim of his hookup date not being attractive enough for him, he went ahead, had sex w her anyway, and “finished in 30 seconds, not something I’d normally do, but at least it was over.” Yeah. It’s 2019, and sex is over with the male orgasm. What exactly do you think she gained from this encounter, dude? “Oh, great, I’m still attractive enough to be used like an object and then thrown away! Yay!” Come on man. If you DO decide to fuck someone, you should at least make sure they enjoy it too. Don’t get me wrong, I like casual sex. But I still want to be treated like a human being, not an object that owes someone a service. What really, truly hurts is the bitter resentment I feel oozing from these stories (and from some of my own experiences as well). The HATRED that applies to all women who seemingly promise sex, then don’t follow through, or have the audacity not to be as beautiful as the porn stars you masturbate to. I am horrified that such a beautiful thing as sex can be demeaned to such a disgusting level.

Emily

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I was called paranoid when my date saw that I had my laptop webcam covered, and the sentiment stated even though I told him the story of how a former friend hacked webcams and threatened to leak nudes.