Family Function

Val, Belgium

This happened to me last Saturday, at a family function. It really messed me up, so I tried writing about it to help me process. I decided to post it here, because this is something we deal with daily, and people who read it told me it made them feel less alone. “Yesterday I was told that wolf-whistling and catcalling are nothing more than compliments. That it is normal for men to appreciate a beautiful woman walking by. Yesterday I was told that I should feel flattered by the attention, and that women who aren’t are stuck up and lack insight. Yesterday I was told that if women don’t want male attention, they should dress conservatively and cover up. That women who don’t should expect men to respond to that, because it’s in their nature. Yesterday I was told that men who don’t do this are all gay. That Real Men are triggered by women’s looks, and incapable of self-restraint when confronted by them. Yesterday I was told that it was normal that this happened to me, starting at the age of 12, because men can’t help themselves and women should take that into consideration. Yesterday I was told that street harassment was harmless, because those men are not rapists. That I should be fine with being ranked on a scale of fuckability by strangers and acquaintances, because they are likely just Nice Guys complimenting me. Yesterday I was told that feminists hate all men, just for being men. That expecting men to live up to a higher standard (meaning: treating women as people in their own right, instead of objectifying them at every turn) is ridiculous and misandrist. Yesterday I was told that it’s normal for men to treat women as something to look at, there for their pleasure, and that I should be fine with being reduced to my looks, because they don’t mean any harm. Yesterday I was told that a man’s right to objectify me with wolf-whistles and catcalls is more important than my right to walk down a street un-harassed. That it trumps my right to feel safe and comfortable while living my life. Yesterday I was told that the men who’ve harassed me over the years were provoked, and that they couldn’t help themselves. Yesterday I was told that only psychopaths rape women, and that those men on the streets aren’t that, they were just following their nature. Yesterday I was told that avoiding a man’s discomfort and bruising of his ego is more important than my right to be treated as a person in my own right at all times. Yesterday I was told that my feelings and experiences don’t matter, because I take everything too personal. That my anger and disgust at being reduced to a sexual object are exaggerated. Yesterday I lost my temper, after unsuccessfully trying to argue my point, and told a man to fuck off before storming off. I was told off for being disrespectful to a hardworking man. That I should overlook the sexism and misogyny and defer to him, because he works hard and provides for his family. Yesterday I heard a man say to his wife that her feelings, opinions and arguments don’t matter, because they are not his and therefore unimportant. Yesterday I heard old-white-male-tears complain that today’s youth had no respect. I heard reassuring shushes confirm that the pain of his bruised ego was worse than my pain and outrage from being seen as a plaything for men, there for the taking. Yesterday I heard the above out of the mouth of a man that I trusted. A man I admired. A man I respected. Yesterday I heard him say things that made it clear that, as a woman, I am first and foremost there for the pleasure and enjoyment of men. Yesterday I heard him, whom I’d always thought enlightened, reduce my gender to objects and his to animals who cannot control their basic instinct. Yesterday I fought for my gender and his. For our right to be seen as equals, and theirs to be seen as more than base animals. Yesterday I tried to argue, to educate and enlighten. I tried to compress the female experience into clear and nuanced arguments in a way that might sink in. Yesterday I fought #NotAllMen and #WomenDoThisToo. Yesterday I tried to use data and evidence to put a stop to the derailment tactics. Yesterday I stood for all my sisters who are objectified, for all my brothers who are told they are no more than a meat suit with a sex drive. Yesterday I lost respect for a man whom I thought was better than this. Yesterday I stood alone.” Originally posted on https://goingfullval.wordpress.com