friends

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My friendship group is very large with smaller groups within it. All events are organised on the same platform with a free for all approach. One time, one of the men brought along a boy that multiple of them had known from school but few liked or kept in contact with. The boy had very few friends and had been described as awkward. What hadn’t been made clear to the women in the group is his previous behaviours. That time he first came out, he got blackout levels of drunk and acted strangely to the women. He would get very near to us and try to lean his head on our shoulders or just stand next to us staring. Multiple of us voiced discomfort. The next few times he was invited out the same things happened and it was well known that the women of the group felt uncomfortable around him. Many of the men said they found him boring or irritating or weird but the few that invited him said they felt sorry for him because he had no friends. The next event he came to was a festival. After getting drunk again he started shouting about women being bitches. My friend wore a sheet top and nipple covers and he wouldn’t stop obviously staring at her chest. He went into my tent and went through my bag of clothes when I wasn’t looking. I was told he was looking for cups and to not be dramatic. One of my friends tent ripped at the bottom and the two of them sharing it (both male) moved into the entryway of my tent. The man in question didn’t know this. During the night, he snuck into the tent and started spooning one of them and had to be physically dragged out of the tent. Again, many of the men told me that he was just drunk and also that he is harmless and wouldn’t be able to harm us (he is not much bigger than me). He punched a woman in the face and knocked her out drunk previously. Over the years, any time this man has been invited he has repeated the same behaviours. Multiple of the women have loudly and clearly told him no and to leave them alone but he doesn’t stop. He has escalated into touching waists or bums or sometimes trying to get behind us. Some of the men have defended us and others who I thought were my friends have made me feel that they would rather I be silent than have to confront the fact that they are knowingly facilitating and inviting a man who harasses the women to our events. For a long time, I have wondered how anyone can prioritise someone not being “left out” over the safety and comfort of the women there, especially now everyone is in their mid twenties. People who I thought were my friends let me and the other women down. In recent times, he was added to the platform and is now automatically invited to every event. I spoke up and was told that he has told some of the men that he was very drunk every time (over ten times) and that he is sorry. He never said sorry to me or any of the other women. To me it is clear he is someone who feels it is his right to harass women and he clearly has hatred for women. I’ve been more disappointed by people who I felt were friends, who would call themselves feminists, who would be outraged at any man they didn’t know harassing any of us women in a club. BUT who have and continue to willingly turn a blind eye to the harassment from a man they know, from a man they barely even have time for, all in the name of not “leaving anyone out”. Men who bystand, please protect your female friends. Especially when it’s someone you know and especially when it’s harder to face.

Maya Szerszen

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I was somewhere between 6-8 years old when at the time my three friends who were 14+ came to my house and we decided to play truth or dare to which one of the male friends dared me to kiss him when I said no he told me to kiss his sister which I also said no to but they told me to stop being boring. So after a while, I kissed her then he dared me to kiss him again I said no again but he said you kissed my sister why won’t you kiss me and that it wasn’t fair and that I wasn’t being fun. And I wanted to be fun and impress my friends so I did it after a while we moved on to a different game where he told me to get on all fours to which he proceeded to push up against me, then his friends would take turns with me (I can’t remember if we had clothes on or not I’ve blocked out so much of it that I can only pray that we did). The next morning he told me to never tell my parents about what happened, they always tried to get me to sleep round their’s my mother never let me however as I was too young which I thank her for because I don’t know what would’ve happened if I did go. I never realized what happened until I saw childline do an assembly in my school on sexual abuse when I was in year 5. I then asked my friends if it would be considered sexual abuse they said yes, the next day I tried to ask my teacher about it but my throat closed up and I couldn’t. A couple of days later she asked me if I was alright and if I was comfortable sharing what I wanted to say with her. I started to cry and I told her what happened she called in the headteacher and I told them what happened as well. They told me they’d have to tell my mum to which I proceeded to cry more, I found it embarrassing and I thought she’d be angry at me because I didn’t tell her sooner. That day my best friend was coming to mine after school, she seemed very annoyed with the whole situation and I don’t think she fully believed me. They called childline and they came round to my house and asked me questions about it yet again but that’s all, they didn’t do a single thing after that they only made it worse. It left me more traumatized constantly reliving it in such a short amount of time. It followed me through to year 8 when my male PE teacher touched me on my lower back and hips which I felt extremely uncomfortable with he also had an erection at the time which brought me back to my younger self in my room with people who I thought were my friends. Then I and a couple of friends reported him to a teacher. I felt sick after that and requested to leave early which I did. The next day we were put in isolation for a couple of days and asked to tell our stories to different teachers. We did and they then compared stories apparently our stories didn’t match up and others in the class didn’t feel uncomfortable. They also informed us that sometimes men’s underwear can make it look like they’ve got an erection when they don’t and that he has a young child on the way so they have to give him the benefit of the doubt. We got suspended for a week to which my parents gave me a mouthful as they took the school’s side and didn’t believe me. I felt like an idiot and started going back on my story and saying I didn’t want him to lose his job and that I was sorry I made a fuss. We then got told that they decided not to expel us as it would be traumatic to our families so they’ll extend our suspension instead and give us extended isolation. We were also told not to tell anyone about this and that we should shut down any “rumors” if we heard them. We then were made to apologize to the teacher, face to face, and to be sincere. I never once spoke to a police officer about it and left feeling so anxious and scared. He carried on as our Pe teacher there weren’t any incidents after that but I felt judgment from everyone around me and no one believed us. I eventually started cutting myself as a way to direct my emotions elsewhere and clear my mind, eventually, my mother found out and yelled at me to stop and that they’d send me to one of those mental hospitals. I then turned to starving myself. I asked my mother for therapy to which she said that I was a kid and that I had no right to be anxious or in need of therapy and that my real anxieties won’t start until I’m an adult. That I don’t need therapy I was just anxious and that I could survive that and it’s a normal teenager thing. To this day I still see their hands on me I can still feel their eyes on my body as if I’m theirs to abuse as they please. I feel like my body is no longer my own but there’s instead and I never go a day without thinking about what happened as if it happened yesterday. I wished when I looked at myself, I could see myslef, not what they did to me or made me feel like. I’m in a better place now but it’s still hard and I don’t know how to let it go or if I even should, I’m only 15 and I still have a lot to learn I only hope it’ll become clearer with time.

jax green-delarosa

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i can’t remember which day this happened the first time. At first I was too scared for anybody to find out ( especially family) but now i do understand that I should share this, because i had reported this to my mom and she not only didnt care, she told me it was my fault!!! This was right after english class that i had with one of my best friends at the time. I had trusted him with almost everything in my life. We had just left english and he was walking with me to our friends and he turned and stopped walking and told me that if i didnt go with him to the bathroom, he would report me for self-harm which would no doubt get me in trouble with my mom who happens to be old fashioned and would punish me for it. I didnt want anybody to find out that i wasnt clean from self-harm so i did what he asked where i was later groped and he went on to tell our entire friend group with pride that since i said yes he was allowed to. I didnt understand that it was not consent if i was scared to say no. The boy who had grabbed me at the time was named [redacted by administrator]. I am no longer afraid to say his name and im definetly okay with reporting what had happened to me! i realized that i cannot get in trouble for “saying yes” because i was scared to say no. We were in the 8th grade and I am now a freshman in highschool and now im 14 years old and nothing has been done about [redacted by administrator] and the other girls he had groped in that same bathroom because people trusted him.

Al

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There was one time I stayed at a friend’s house after a night out. She invited a few other people to stay as well, men and women, but the men stayed downstairs on the sofa. I was upstairs in bed, asleep, and I was on my period so I decided to sleep fully clothed. I suddenly had an urge to wake up and it was early morning. One of the men who I had been out with was pressing his body up against the back of my body and his hand was down my leggings and almost touching me. I felt disgusting that he had snook into the room and into the bed without me even knowing. As soon as I noticed I grabbed his hand and pulled it out from my pants and ran downstairs. I had a panic attack and cried as this was one of my boyfriend’s best friends. I never confronted him myself, but my boyfriend did. His only words were ‘I was drunk’. I then recieved a message from him the next day saying: ‘I’ve been told you were upset with me last night, what happened?’ but I know for a fact he knew what happened. I ignored it and have stayed silent about this ever since.

H

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Me and my friend were drinking together and quickly got very drunk. We ended up meeting two guy friends and stayed with them for a while. I don’t actually remember most of the day because I got too drunk and blacked out in the end. But before I got home we ended up in one of their friends houses where we had sex. I dont remember having sex with the guy at all and I would never have done it if I was sober. He wasn’t drinking either and I was obviously in a state I could barely talk or walk. Anywya after it happened he wanted us to be more Than that, but I told him it was a mistake and I was very drunk and he started attacking me saying “I’ve heard you always get with people and then just blame it on being drunk”. This really bothered me but what bothered me the most was him bragging about it to his friends and then they would bring it up to me not even knowing the full context. A year later and I’m going out with someone from the same friend group. I love my boyfriend but he can be a bit naive at times (he once said something along the lines of you can’t get raped by someone you’re in a relationship with?? Yes you can??) anywya one day we were talking about the incident and he says to me “you know you weren’t raped right?” I’m not saying I was or I wasn’t but I was way too drunk to give consent to someone who was SOBER so why does my boyfriend who wasn’t even there think he has the right to determine what happened to me.

Rebecca

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Half a year ago, I was on exchange and a male friend of mine wanted to come and visit me. He’s not really a super close friend but I didn’t wanted to be rude and tell him to book a hostel or anything, so I let him stay at my student room. I bought this inflatable mattress for him and put it at the other side of the room (to make clear that I had no intentions, because he’s definitely not my type and I had a boyfriend back then). He stayed for a couple of days, and I couldn’t mishear all the masturbating (also because of the sound from the inflatable mattress) he did during the night or in the early mornings. I felt so oppressed and I am quite prude in the way that I didn’t dare to mention it straight up to him. One morning, it was clear that I was awake and I heard him masturbate and I was like ‘Hej, could you stop I can hear you’ and he didn’t react (turned out he sleeps with earplugs). While the next day, during a trip he mentioned to me I should maybe sleep with earplugs cause that would be better if I had this problem of hearing everything. As if it was my problem.

Rebecca

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Once I went with a friend to get some coffee and I held the door open for him. Then he made the comment ‘That’s not how it should, huh’ with a wink. Even something so tiny as this comment makes me already get annoyed, because it is those small things that make it hard to change attitude.

Barbora

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Over a year ago I transited from a 3d modeller to a programmer and since then I have gradually lost all of my male friends. I guess my last job was more “artistic” and therefore not so threatening, but ever since I started programming all my (now sadly former) friends who are male and also programmers are treating me like I don’t deserve the position I currently work on. It is not like I don’t have qualification for that (I actually have a Master’s degree in programming) but they still treat me like I don’t know what I am doing and give me either unsolicited advice or nasty comments in which they doubt my professional abilities. One of my ex – friends actually approached my boss and offered himself as a paid consultant for a project I’m working on (I didn’t ask him to do that I merely complained to him about a colleague who undermined and mocked me). At another time when I was searching for work he refused to recommend me anywhere as a programmer, only as a 3d artist. I must add that none of the work I was ever assigned to do ended badly, it was always delivered in time and met the expectations, so I do not know where is the substance to all that mocking coming from apart from that I dare to actually be a woman. I know that there are people who are on top of their fields and do amazing stuff that I will never fully understand and I am not one of those (neither is any of the people mocking me, even though, apparently, they all think so…) but that fact alone is not a reason for being scolded, discouraged, lectured, treated as a fraud or impostor, and I can go on here, really… Sadly this page hasn’t a comment section I am so curious what you people think of this, because it feels like slowly going crazy. Also two of my colleagues are touching me despite my protests (this shouldn’t be happening at all, do they really need me to tell them?!). I am exhausted…

Sophie

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5 years ago, on a night out at university, a man grabbed my crotch. I was battling my way through the crowd in a club to get to the bathroom so was separated from my boyfriend and friends. A man grabbed my crotch from behind. I snapped my head around quickly to see who it was but he’d moved away. I was wearing soft material shorts and he grabbed so hard it hurt.I was so scared he might assault me again in the crowd. I ran to find my friends and boyfriend and was crying by the time I found them. Through tears I told them what had happened and that I needed go home immediately. My boyfriend wasn’t even angry or upset on my behalf but reluctantly agreed to leave, my friends were annoyed that I was leaving and ruining the night. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying in my student halls, nobody in my flat comforted me or knew how to react. It was clear they didn’t think what had happened was an issue at all. I think about that time I was assaulted every single time I’m in a large crowd.

A

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I was at a friends for her 17th birthday. There was just 4 of us, 3 girls and 1 boy. I knew the boy was a creep and had been in trouble in the past (apparently blackmailed a 14 year old girl to send nude pictures) so I was always wary of him but I promised my friend that I would be kind to him. I felt safe drinking with such a small group but of course I got way too drunk. I had never been that drunk before. We were all drunk (or so I thought) and were cozied up on the sofa. I grabbed his crotch and kissed him neck, slurring my words but at that point (while I would have never done that sober) I was comfortable. I started feeling really tired and so asked my friend if I could go to her bedroom. I asked the group if anyone would come up and cuddle with me. I have only admitted to one person that at that point I wanted it to be him. The girls wanted to stay downstairs so he came up. He took a while and I actually went down to call for him. I even took off my sanitary pad before he came up. However by the time he got into the bed, the alcohol really hit me and I was out of it. I felt like i was floating in and out of consciousness. He then started kissing me and grabbing my boobs. I distinctly remember slurring out the word no repeatedly and I was so frustrated that I couldn’t move. I still don’t know if that was just because of the alcohol or if I froze out of fear. He then attempted to finger me – I remember the pain. i don’t know how long it took place and if he tried to insert his penis. Finally I came to the point where i felt conscious again. I remember turning over to see him facing away from me and I thought he might be asleep. I felt down and my underwear wasn’t there anymore and I asked him what happened to them. He sounded tired and said something along the lines of “I don’t know you must have taken them off”. I started realising what had happened and panicked. I found my knickers, shoved them on and went to the bathroom. I then cried sat in the bathtub and eventually rang a friend – it was 5am. I don’t know how long we were talking and what I sounded like but I know I was sobbing and eventually she said she was coming to get me. I went back in the room to grab my stuff and he was asleep in the bed. I went downstairs and asked my friend to let me out and she almost refused but she could see how upset I was but I said i was fine. My friend was outside in the backseat of a car driven by her boyfriends mum with her boyfriend in the passenger seat. I cried the rest of night while my friend held me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Eventually I walked home the next day and got a really hot shower. I told a friend who was close with him and eventually I told the friend whose house it happened at. Eventually i was forced to make a statement, by my head of sixth form, at the police who when I refused to tell them who did it made me go to social services because I was 16. My friend who picked me up went to every appointment with me and gave me all the cigarettes I felt I needed to stay calm. The man who dealt with my case was awful and implied it was mothers fault as she had a statement that was retracted about her to social services when I was 6. Then he said it was my fault for drinking. It was an awful experience and he kept threatening to tell my parents and the meeting were to see if I was mature enough to deal with what happened without parental involvement. He judged that I smoked and drank so I did everything I could in the months after the assault to prevent him from telling my parents. My mum has always believed that what you are wearing and if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs means you are at fault if an assault takes place so her finding out was honestly the worst thing I could imagine. Eventually it was dropped. It was almost be 2 years and I still really struggle with it.