parenthood

Ms S

Since becoming a mother I have experienced so much sexism that it would take me an essay to write it all down fully! I really wish that everyone talked more openly and honestly to girls, and boys, about the reality of parenthood particularly for women. I think that parents are pretty good at doing that amongst themselves, but I wish so much that I had been told about the realities before I took the decision to have a child. I love my son and wouldn’t change him for the world, but I just wasn’t properly informed or prepared. And the change to a woman’s life is so massive. The biology of parenthood is not fair on women, but neither is the way that mothers are treated and the things expected of them. I believe that we are not told the truth because if we were, it would put us off becoming mothers. To start at the start of the process, I now find the term ‘morning sickness’ hugely problematic. It should be called ‘pregnancy sickness’ because it lasts all day. It is like having norovirus for weeks without a break – I am not exaggerating at all as I have experienced both. It is horrible and utterly exhausting. And yet we minimize it, don’t treat it (I know that there are good reasons for not trying new medications here, but there really is no help available). And it’s not generally considered something you can take time off work for. Labour is obviously massively painful and physically destructive to the mother, that is just how it is. But I’ve come to notice now how women in labour are often a subject for humour in television and film, and our wider culture. It makes me think, when is it ok to laugh at somebody in agony and distress? And the answer is, when it’s a woman. Postnatal care is below the standard needed for new mothers to maintain decent mental health. This was my experience and there are many articles online documenting this. After 40+hrs of labour, during which I had been physically unable to sleep or eat, I was left in sole care of a newborn baby (who wakes up at least every 3 hrs for a feed) for the first time. This is also when I was expected to learn to breastfeed, which despite being a very natural thing does take some practice to get right. This is the norm, but how is that sensible, for the best care of the baby or the mother? Women, including myself, are put on wards where people come and go, babies and women cry all day and night. I ended up going home with a newborn having lost two nights’ sleep. When this is the way that new motherhood begins – and there is no break from that crying, waking baby once you get home, 24/7 – I feel it is no wonder that postnatal depression rates are so high. I believe that things could be done differently too, it is just a question of money and resources. My grandmother spent a week in hospital after the births of her children, my mother several nights, and for both, the baby was cared for by midwives who woke the mothers only for feeds so that they could rest and recover. That was the norm then. But providing that care costs money, I guess, and women’s mental health is no longer a priority here. I could go on, about postnatal discrimination in the workplace, unequal burdens of childcare and housecare, the different standards expected of parents’ bodies (‘dad bod’ made me so mad – fathers’ bodies have done no work in the process of childbearing yet are allowed to stop caring for their bodies, while mothers are expected to ‘get their body back’ after pregnancy and labour). But I don’t have all night!

Sarah

I’m tired of my husband referring to our daughter’s affairs as my stuff rather than ours or even hers. From before her birth when things we had to buy for her were “your shopping” to the present day when he got angry because I asked him to arrange registration at our dental surgery for her, since you have to go in person to take ID documents and he was going there anyway. He asked why I didn’t go myself, even though he was going for his own appointment and it would have taken me an extra half hour to get there. When he eventually agreed, he asked me “where are your documents then?” and when I gently corrected him saying “[Daughter]’s documents” as I went to get them, he yelled at me that he didn’t have time to “argue about semantics.” Why is it still so often assumed that women are solely responsible for childcare? Both my husband and I work full time, yet I’m the one who has to bathe our daughter and get her ready for bed every day, prepare all her meals that require any sort of cooking and arrange any healthcare appointments she needs (once he’d registered her at the dentist, my husband texted me to say “now you just need to make an appointment” while he was right there at reception!) People make a big deal of me leaving her with her father about once a fortnight so I can have a few hours to myself, while my husband is never questioned about leaving our daughter in my care.

Kitty

I was watching a rerun of The Great Sport Relief Bake Off recently, & there were 2 famous male contestants & 2 famous female contestants taking part. One of the female contestants (singer turned fashion designer Pearl Lowe) was described as a ‘mum/mother (I forget which) of 4’ (as well as being a singer turned fashion designer), while there was no mention of whether the 2 male contestants (weatherman Alex Deakin & historian Alex Langlands) were fathers.

Kitty

The fact that as soon as a woman gets married, she gets grilled about when she & her husband are going to start a family. Surely that’s their business & no one else’s?! I also get cross about the fact that women who DO have children & who go back to work after the aforementioned children arrive get lambasted by not only the media but by stay-at-home mums who opted to give up work after THEY had kids, get branded as selfish, made to feel guilty & have comments made along the lines of “why did you have kids if you aren’t prepared to stay at home with them?”, “I didn’t have children to leave them with someone else” & “kids need their mother”, while working fathers get off scot-free. I also get very annoyed about the fact that working mothers get comments made about them “juggling work & family life”, while working fathers don’t have comments like that made about them. I’m not saying stay-at-home dads don’t get crap off society, however, as various comments I’ve read on here (plus a comment I heard someone make about a stay-at-home dad who lives near me) prove that this is definitely not the case.

David

When my daughter (6 months old) was hospitalised with an allergic reaction to penicillin I (her dad) stayed in hospital with her as she seemed to settle better with me than her mum when ill. The midwives tried to convince my partner to stay as “they’re always better with mum” – even though we’d tried that and my daughter screamed and got worked up. We’d already told them, several times, that when ill she settled better with me. The midwives then checked on me more than the neighbouring mums and acted as if I’d never held/been responsible for my own child before.