party

Anon

When I was 17 at a school party a boy blatantly sexually assaulted me by coming up behind me when I was sitting down and grabbing me and kissing me after I had already made it clear to him, I wasn’t interested. There were over 100 people there that night, and only one girl asked if I was ok (thank you E!). I called him out about it when in class the next week because he was claiming I was a ‘slag’ who was all over him – which was completely untrue, I was scared and embarrassed and went along with it in the moment because I had no idea what to do – 17-year-old me was too embarrassed to push him off me. I lost many friends because of this, they all thought I was a crazy feminist bitch. Even though he had a terrible history with being a creep when drunk (he assaulted 3 other people that night alone) almost no one apart from my very close girlfriends understood how his behaviour was wrong. I am now in my 20s and can finally understand and admit to myself that what he did was assault, and it’s ok to feel angry and grossed out by it. For years I felt guilty for getting angry at him and feeling like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Fuck you Ben. We need more Es in the world.

Anon

When I was 17 at a school party a boy blatantly sexually assaulted me by coming up behind me when I was sitting down and grabbing me and kissing me after I had already made it clear to him, I wasn’t interested. There were over 100 people there that night, and only one girl asked if I was ok (thank you E!). I called him out about it when in class the next week because he was claiming I was a ‘slag’ who was all over him – which was completely untrue, I was scared and embarrassed and went along with it in the moment because I had no idea what to do – 17-year-old me was too embarrassed to push him off me. I lost many friends because of this, they all thought I was a crazy feminist bitch. Even though he had a terrible history with being a creep when drunk (he assaulted 3 other people that night alone) almost no one apart from my very close girlfriends understood how his behaviour was wrong. I am now in my 20s and can finally understand and admit to myself that what he did was assault, and it’s ok to feel angry and grossed out by it. For years I felt guilty for getting angry at him and feeling like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Fuck you Ben. We need more Es in the world.

maria

i was really drunk and was maybe being flirty can’t remember he backed me into the bathroom and was standing over me blocking the door so i couldn’t get out i think i said stop i wanted to get out i just couldn’t articulate it well enough it got to a point where my only escape route was to allow him to kiss me then i ran away and had my first ever panic attack then the same thing happened a couple hours later he kept persisting and i said no i want to go downstairs but he wouldn’t let me so yeah that’s my first kiss story. oh and he was one of my closest most trusted male friends

Mackenzie Davison

I recently discovered (through therapy) that what I had classified as a sexual assult is in fact, rape. I was at a house party with friends and a guy that I had known for years started to pay more attention to me. He asked me to go outside in the freezing cold and while we were getting warm in his car, he asked me to give him a kiss. He said that because we were close to the New Year and he wasn’t going to a party, that I owed him a kiss. I was thrown off because we had never ever flirted or interacted in this way and I was never sure he even knew who I was (we worked with a lot of people). I was drunk and the kiss seemed harmless enough so I agreed, still puzzled. We eventually came back inside and by then the party had died down. I was not in any shape to drive home and my other friends started either piling into cars to head home or were finding other places to sleep at this house party. I don’t remember much for probably a space of 5 mins, but when I ‘came to’ the guy who I thought was my friend was on top of me and inside me. I remember again, being so surprized beacuse we had never interacted much at work and I had never thought he was even interested in me. I remember being confused but also, sadly, happy that someone was paying attention to me. I thought brieftly about pushing him off me but decided to just deal with it and wait until it was over.That seemed to be the safer decision. Once he was done, he looked over to this other guy in the bed next to me and said ” do you want to go next?”. Just like that. Like I had no say in the experience or my body. Thankfully the other guys said no. Once I was free, I stumbled out of the bed and ran upstairs to where I knew my friend was sleeping, hoping that her prescence would protect me. My abuser came up the stairs and followed me into the room. He laid down beside me and proceeded to pull down my underwear and to dig his fingers inside me. I reapedly asked him to stop. I pushed his hand away and moved away. I even went to the other side of the room and he followed. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night because he kept digging inside me. I left early that next morning and felt sick to my stomach for days after. I was jumpy around other men or when I was even alone. This is not the only time I have been assaulted but it still flashes in my mind as I go to sleep at night, or when I get ready and look in the mirror and think I look nice. I am grateful to my therapist who is helping me unpack these memories and teaching me how to deal with my trauma. I found this platform and am grateful to add my voice to the millions of other women around the world. We wont be silenced.

Montana

I threw a party at my house and it was wrapping up. A guy I’d known of through out high school that was friends with some new friends I got in my last year didn’t have anywhere to sleep so I offered my floor to him as a good host. He took this as a sign and ended up getting in my bed. I was really drunk and really tired so I didn’t put to much effort into saying no. But I never said yes. I just responded trying to sound uninterested or made every excuse on the planet telling him I wanted to sleep. He touched me in ways I didn’t want but I did tell him when he was totally over stepping, and thought of the rest at the time as eh. After trying to use an excuse to get out of my bed and stay out of it, in the morning I realized he’d taken advantage of me. And it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know I should have told him to fuck off, I would now. The grotesque memory or what I remember just fills me with rage now. When I close my eyes and I see his face I just want to hit him or worse. That was 3rd sexual experience ever and it’s been my last for a while. I can’t even kiss someone now without me feeling like they own me or are taking my power away. I feel sexually oppressed now I guess and I don’t know how to fix it. Anyway I write poetry so my way of dealing with it was to write a poem : CAUSE As your fingers crawled inside of me A block was put up deeper inside You filled me But I feel empty You gave it to me But took more with your hands You asked me But I didn’t answer Hoping you would find discouragement replaced any disappointment This breif physical connection Has breed a disconnection to myself and others like you I held my lips higher than my body Wouldn’t let you kiss me with your burning lips CONSEQUENCES I knew from a young age I didn’t like hearing my name leave their lips But it took me a while to figure out I didnt like their hands on my body Smothering me Making me think this is womanhood A scarring illusion With a caged expectation That I would find liberation in other people That they would build me up Not dimish my entire being with one touch But my expectations have been put aside to mirror theirs Whatever they may be I will make sure you find it in me Even though I will be left feeling small ANALYSIS I reject labels placed on me That is why I am not a victim I am not broken but pieces are missing To fill the holes I search for someone to burn my lips. But I fear they will take more than I have It makes me hate their presence Too close you’re to close I feel damaged and wrong in ways I couldnt speak out loud They look and I know they can’t see I think I will only find companionship with my own Because I reject being under their hand ever again.

Eliza

In collage I allowed a boyfriend to film me giving him a blowjob. He did not convince me, it was a ten second video that I enjoyed as much as him. Drunk at a party he showed it to a male friend I didn’t know. Later, when I was tipsy but not drunk and vulnerable from spraining my ankle from walking on gravel he made his move. Pulling me to him and trying to put his hand up my dress as I struggled and told him no. He responded that my boyfriend had said it was ok. I don’t believe he said that and it didn’t matter as I was saying no. My boyfriend was very drunk and a half passed out on the grass 15ft away but when I called out to him whined at the noise and covered his ears. He assumed I was just drunkenly being loud. I realised he would not save me so did what I had always been advised and screamed bloody murder. I took another breath to yell fire when a group of equally tipsy girls came outside to see why I was screaming in real terror. The man immediately released his hold and I spend the rest of the night never with less than 2 girls in arms reach. I never really discussed with my then boyfriend as he was drunk so I believed ‘not his fault. I was 18. I’m 33 now owns for all I know he still has the video. We lost contact after I refused to continue sleeping with him after we broke up. Suddenly he had no interest in friendship if he was unable to coerce me into sex.

Meg

I have been with my boyfriend 8 years, since we were just 18. We’ve kept in touch with high school friends and one of them was having a pool party over summer. Our friendship group has a lot of guys in it but something happened which really shocked me at the party. This was well into the night and I was pretty drunk by this point. I was in my swimsuit talking to another girl when one of my boyfriends friends came over and put his hand on my bum. I was drunk, and shocked so responded ‘Hi XXX’, he quickly removed his hand and then we had a brief exchange where I pretended he hadn’t just touched me inappropriately, and he walked off. This friend had been travelling for years and recently returned, my boyfriend adores him and was saying how great it was to have him back. I was shocked by the behaviour because it was so out of character. I started to think I had drunkenly imagined it, but I know it happened. Anyway, I’ve been left feeling annoyed, confused, guilty even, about it. Also because this guy has a girlfriend who wasn’t at the party. I obviously can’t tell my boyfriend either as I don’t want to cause trouble..

Jaime

I had two instances happen. One when I was 11 and the other when I was 17. At 11, a close family friend who was 21 coerced and groomed me, only leading to him raping me. I was scared, frozen, alone. At 17 I had drank too much at a party. I passed out with a close friend of mine. She left in the middle of the night and I awoke to a man that I called a friend on top of me raping me. His friends were in the room and they didn’t do anything. I was afraid to share this due to people coming after me for drinking, ruining his chances at a university, or not “fighting off” the 21 year old. I carry this with me to this day.

Anonymous

It was new year’s eve 2019-20. It was the first time my parents didn’t host the neighbourhood party so I was in a house I was not very comfortable in. Me and my friends, who are both older than me at 17 and 18 while I’m 14 were dancing in the living room with our parents having the time of our lives. There were some of our parents friends there and one of them was a middle aged man. He (and his husband) both came to the party as distant friends of a friend, so we didn’t know him well. He started talking to us admiring our music taste. At first I thought this wasn’t weird but as the night went on and he continued to talk to us he made odd comments about STDs and made me very uncomfortable. He got very close to my friends and me while dancing and we were so uncomfortable we wanted to leave. At first we told my dad and he said ‘He’s drunk don’t worry about it’ and so we went to the shed (where the ‘kids’ were hanging out) and continued to discuss it. We decided it was unfair for us to have to leave after having fun because he was being inappropriate. We then told my friends mum and she was outraged and forced him to leave. I think it’s outrageous that both me and my father thought his behaviour was acceptable because he was drunk and that I thought it was my responsibility to leave a toxic situation. This kind of behaviour is outrageous and being intoxicated is no excuse.

Anonymous

Last year I was at a party taking care of a male classmate who was very drunk. I knew I couldn’t leave him alone because he had almost fallen out of a treehouse and into a fire pit earlier. I asked another classmate if he could grab me some food/water from a table, and immediately he looked down at his crotch and said, “I have something down here if you’re hungry.” and he and his friend just kept laughing. I didn’t tell anyone about it for months because I felt ashamed. The only funny thing about this story is my awesome friend who suggested that if he said something like that again, I could make a comment about baby carrots.