Every time I go out partying with my friends, being fondled or groped is a guarantee, but a few months ago I was left alone in the middle of a crowded club, a man approached me and grabbed at my waist talking to me. I couldn’t hear him, but I replied ‘sorry, I’m just looking for my friend’. He didn’t let go of me, and I pushed his arms off and ignored his continuing advances. I have never really had an extremely violent response from rejecting a guy, but this man grabbed my forearm yanking me towards him and began shouting into my face. “Who the fuck do you think you are ignoring me? You stuck up bitch, you don’t ignore me.” And I was petrified as he grabbed at my bum. I wanted to sob as no one was helping me, and the man was at my face, but I’d heard of girls who fought back and got glasses smashed in their faces. My mother always taught me to just walk away from these kind of men, but she never said what to do if they followed you. Eventually, I was able to wiggle myself away from his grip after a harder shove at him. I considered myself lucky that I managed to escape. That same night, another boy, who was my friend, groped my chest and held me to him forcefully by shaking an arm around my waist and pinning me to his back. The next morning I told my Mum, she didn’t seem worried, I’m still not sure if any of this constitutes as sexual assault.
Five months ago I was at a friend’s birthday party. He lives far away from me, so it was arranged that the guests including myself and two girlfriends I shared a car with could spend the night. At about midnight me and a girlfriend go to bed since we’re really tired. About 4–clock I wake up from the feeling of hands on me – one of the other guests (a former classmate whom I’ve only spoken to a few times years ago) is fucking lying next to me trying to feel me up while he thinks I’m asleep. I get up, shaking with fear, and go to the kitchen where I find my guy friend (host of the party) telling him what happened. He tells me to sleep in the kitchen instead and says NOTHING to the creep in the bedroom. The next day, when I get home, I break down crying in front of my fiancée. He helps me call the cops to explain my situation. First, I talk to a male officer. He says “that I’m lucky that nothing more happened”. Next, I talk to a female officer (since I have also have to report the incident in the county where it took place). She takes my statement says that she’ll make sure they’ll give the creep a warning and stay in touch to let me know how the case develops. I never heard from them again. The next day I get a message from creepo saying “That he didn’t know what he ever did to me and that I should really think about the fact that I could ruin his life”… HIS. Life.
I’m helping a female friend set up for a party in the backyard. The guy who picked up the keg arrives. He says loudly, “I need another man to help me bring the keg in.” Then he strolled between the two of us, not even acknowledging our presence.
I was at a friend’s 30th birthday party. It was attended by her friends and family including her parents who paid for the party. As I went to leave, I thanked her parents and went for a polite kiss-on-both-cheeks. The father decides that would be a good time to rest his hand on my ass. It was brief but very definite and intentional. There was cupping. I just finished the goodbyes and walked out with my partner. I still feel like a total idiot for not saying anything. And I’m not the kind of person to not say anything. I never thought I would react like that and it upsets me to this day. I no longer go to that friend’s house in case her father is there.
I was at a party at my friends sisters house, where I was staying the night. I went to bed early because I’d had enough of the party and was tired. I was sharing a room with a couple of friends. One of which was my female friend wed agreed to share the bed. I woke up with someone in the bed touching my back. My friend was an affectionate person and we hugged and cuddled a lot. So I thought it was just that. I turned around and it was a guy who had been creeping me out at the party earlier. I screamed at him to go. My other friend had brought a guy to the room and had been having sex with him on the floor. The guy who was having sex with my friend told me to ‘chill out’. The guy who had been touching me left and I went back to sleep. I dismissed this as ‘one of those things’. It’s now 10 years later I realise how wrong that was of that man and how I was so near to rape.
I had a friend for many years who always took a fancy to me. He seemed nice and I trusted him and he had been dating my best friend when we were 16 years old. Eventually we ended up at some parties together and he drunkenly used me to cheat on his girlfriend, my best friend 3 times. One of these times involved me being pinned, saying “no” 4 times, and telling them that if he went any further it was molestation. He did not care. He went further. And I was molested by him inserting his fingers in to multiple times, while I was too weak to fight him off of me. I tried to forgive and move on, hoping that if I pretend it never happened, continued being his friend, and never said anything to his girlfriend the incident would go away and I would quit feeling damaged. I tried to speak up, and told 2 of our close friends, but he found out and texted me, infuriated. He later went on to tell me that I was never allowed to talk about it again, and manipulated me by playing victim, and telling me that it hurt him and made him sad when I “brought up something from the past.” Years went by and I thought this boy had changed. At the end of our first year of university we ended up dating. He told me that after college i was to put my dreams aside so that I could follow his. Also during this relationship he would pretend we weren’t together at parties. He instructed his friends to never mention anything about his girlfriend (me) or even that fact that he just wasn’t single. And no, this did not change when I was at those parties with him. He would not dance with me, he would not talk to me, he would not look at me, he wouldn’t introduce me to his friends, he wouldn’t even stand next to me. I later found out he actually enjoyed watching me being flirted with by other men. It gave him some odd and concerning validation by other men that I, as a girlfriend, was attractive and acceptable. While i was being bothered by odd men and extremely saddened by the fact that my boyfriend ignored me in public, i did notice what the goal of this distamce was. He was constantly hitting on other women in front of me at these parties. He would poor drinks for them, take down their numbers, and chat them up all night. When i confronted him about this behavior he quickly made me the villain and said that it was unfair of me to ask him to stop “making friends” and went on to tell me that, even though it made me feel awful, the behavior would continue. At one party another atendee finally noticed this odd behavior and confronted him in front of multiple people about how he should be paying attention to his own girlfriend. My boyfriend at the time proceeded to get very mad at this attendee and told the attendee to stop telling him what to do. Multiple other men approached me that night to explain they had been to multiple parties where they had seen me, and never once got the impression that i had a boyfriend, much less that he was actually at the same party. Eventually I realized I was unhappy and wanted something else, but at the time I was too close to the situation to see how incredibly manipulative he had been. However I did break up with him. Later on in the year i would go on to ask his best friend if he thought that boy had cheated on me, he said he had not cheated on me, but it did seem that he had tried multiple times to do so, only that the attempts failed to be received well by the women he attempted it with. After the breakup we remained friends. However, just to be clear, I told him, about a month after the break up, that I didn’t want to have sex with him. He seemed extremely mad at me for not wanting to sexually pleasure him anymore but also, to my belief, because he had always had an extremely difficult time with women and quickly grasped the unlikelyhood of finding another woman. About 3 or 4 weeks went by and I ended up at a small party at his appartment. He stayed sober, waiting for me to get drunk. Me, being unaware of this tactic, felt I was in a small, safe space, with only close friends and proceeded to, for the first time in my life, get black out drunk. The next morning I woke up, naked, in bed next to that friend, remembering only bits and pieces of the night before. I remember shots, making out with that friend, puking twice, and some fuzzy memory of being naked, on my back, with him on top of me. I asked him what happened and he proceeded to try to initiate sex again. I told him no and moved out from his grasp. He told me we had had sex. This friend kept a security camera in his room that could see parts of his bed so I asked to see the video from the night before as proof. I could only stomach about 5 seconds of the apparently 3 hour rape. I told him that I didn’t like what he had done while I had been in such a state of inebriation. He said, and I quote “I was honestly pretty sober last night…. Yeah, I should have stopped, especially after I realized how bad(ly drunk) you were.” I was shocked. He admitted to being sober, admitted to knowing I was blacked out, admitted to having seen and heard me puke multiple times…. And had continued to sexually assault me for 3 hours. He was my best friend for 4 years and my previous boyfriend. I was beyond hurt. I struggled for a week before I finally broke and ended up telling all of my roommates and my mom about what had happened. I accused him of rape, not because I was going to go to the police, but just because I needed to hear him say it. He went on to deny it, to blame me, and to ignore me as my mental state deteeiorated. All of these things, of course only helped it to deteriorate further. We went to different universities, so I couldn’t even contact faculty to receive a restraining order. Most days I’m fine and I just feel lucky not to remember anything but the 5 seconds of video I saw. But every once in a while I still struggle with this, with being raped, with the fact it was my best friend, with the fact that I can’t put this manipulative sexual predator some place he can’t hurt anybody else. My biggest hope is that one single woman hears this story and somehow gains strength and knowledge from it. The strength and knowledge to leave a manipulative relationship, or to help someone they care about leave one. One of the biggest tellers (and problems) I see is women (and men) making so many excuse for shady/offensive/abusive behavior for their significant other and thinking that is a normal relationship. A partner should not do something to you that you are too ashamed to tell your friends. A happy relationship is not one where you constantly have to forgive and forget things that deeply bother you, or where you are even made to feel ashamed for being bothered. A healthy relationship is not one where you have to say “yes, I know deep down that this is wrong, but he said….” no. You deserve better. The people you care about deserve better. Everyone deserves better than that.
I was 14, it was Halloween, and we were outside at a party. The boy next to me, probably 16 or 17, had his arms wrapped around me and his hand on my upper thigh. I wanted him to stop and I had tried to move, but he wouldn’t move and I had been told he was “handsy” anyway. I didn’t know what to do, part of me thought this was normal, this must be a compliment, or just part of his personality; something women just have to deal with. A friend told him to stop and he simply said “No, she’s fine with it. I’m cold anyway,” without asking if I really was fine with it. I tried to move again and he returned again with his hand moving to my inner thigh. No one tried to help me after that, everyone turned their heads and looked away.
I went to a party with my friend the other night. Something told me not to go, I just didn’t want to go, but I also didn’t feel comfortable letting her go alone. What kind of friend would I be? So I went and while there I saw my guy friend (we’ll call him Bert) who I have been talking to sexually. Sending pictures back and forth and talking about sex. A different guy offered me shots and I decided to drink to calm my paranoia. Later on Bert approached me and kept giving me the eye and I was flattered. But later I went outside with my friends and Bert followed me and asked to talk to me so my friends sat in the car and Bert kept asking me to come over Tuesday and while I was trying to explain to him why I couldn’t go he moved in on me and began groping my breast and grabbing my butt and kept making disgusting remarks about what he was going to do to me very loud and my friends just egged it on so I just stood there feeling small and I was shook. I know he probably doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong because we talk sexually to one another but I didn’t like it, and I’m sure he could tell by my facial expressions that I wasn’t in to it. Am I overreacted. I was by the way somewhat intoxicated.
(Sorry bad English) Warning, mentioning rape. This has bothered me for years. We were about 20 years old and a guy told this story at a party. He and some pals were on a cruise and found two willing women they took (is this a word?) to their room. The guy telling the story had sex and fell asleep. His friend apperently could not get it up. So the story went: Suddenly I woke up and this other girl is riding me… The guy looked a little bit unsure when he said that and a little bit like he should be proud… He got a lot of “woohoo” and pats on the back. I was very uneasy and said nothing. (Therefore the regretts) Ten years later and I’m still thinking about this guy being raped in his drunken sleep. I wish I had not been so shy. Why diden’t I speak up? Maybe it would have made a difference to this guy if someone acknowledged how wrong this was? I guess many guys (women too) prefere to think of them selfs as studs and not weak and being abused. But GOD DAMN IT WAS RAPE! and nobody really cared cause the victim wasen’t what you expected. And sure… when you started reading… diden’t you think something was going to happen to the women? We are all guilty of sexism and I love this site for existing.
I started University in the Netherlands at the age of 17 with a steady boyfriend in Germany. I was excited and unafraid, primarily because I had never recognized other negative encounters for the warnings that they were. I honestly thought that feminism wasn’t something we needed in the west anymore, because I had never felt hampered because of my sex. I never realized how sheltered I was. When I turned 18, I decided to throw a big party for the first time in my life. I wanted to let loose, to prove that I wasn’t “stuck up” and “prude,” that I could have fun. So when a friend asked if they could invite a classmate I didn’t know, I agreed without thinking twice. One by one, everyone left. The people I had asked to keep an eye out for me went home or passed out in their rooms. I was alone, more than a little drunk, with someone I didn’t know. I’d been friendly to him all evening, because I was in a social mood, so we’d chatted a bit. I told him my boyfriend lived in Germany, and he somehow took that as an invitation. He started kissing me, and I pushed him away. I told him I couldn’t do this. Somehow saying “stop, I don’t WANT this” was beyond my capabilites as a polite hostess. He persisted, reaching up and down and touching things he shouldn’t. I walked away and said I was going to stay in my friend’s room for the night, since the friend he had come with was passed out on my bed. He followed me, and while I rang her doorbell hoping against all hope that she would answer, he continued to touch me. She was passed out, and didn’t hear me. We went back to my hallway, and I said I would try another friends room. But he said “no don’t worry, I promise I’ll stop. I wont do anything you don’t want.” Being exhausted and drunk I wanted to believe him, because more than anything I wanted to go to sleep. He didn’t stop. The rest is too difficult for me to describe, even after two years of therapy for PTSD. Nowadays, I work on projects to raise awareness about sexual assault in the Netherlands and at universities in general. I’m trying to turn the worst thing to ever happen to me into something positive.