police

Anonymous

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This is only one of countless stories on my list, but it is the one that I think angers me the most. I was living in a shared house with two other girls. I woke up in the middle of the night – having gone to bed to an empty house – to feel a body behind me and hands on my breasts and between my legs. It took me a few moments to fully wake and realise it wasn’t a dream, and then I screamed and jumped out of bed – there was total stranger in it. It transpired that he had bumped into my housemates earlier on in a pub and was a friend of theirs. Later, after they had left, he had turned up drunk outside our house and asked to stay on the sofa, and naturally they let him. His excuse was he thought it was my housemates bedroom – we’d swapped rooms when I moved in – so essentially his excuse was he sexually assaulted the wrong sleeping woman by mistake. We kicked him out and eventually went back to bed. The next day at work I couldn’t stop thinking about it; I told a colleague and kind of laughed it off as a ‘these things happen’ but the look on their face made me think twice about it and I realised it just is not ok – I couldn’t ‘justify’ it in the way I had other assaults with ‘I was drunk’ ‘I chose to go home with him’ etc. I was literally just asleep in my own bed. So, I went to the police. And this is where I get angry. They believed me, they investigated, the man admitted it – which to me seems to be a fairly straightforward case. However, it never went to the CPS; the police said that the assailant had made a mistake and felt really guilty about it; that a court case would be traumatic for me and my sex life would be open for discussion, that I would be ruining a young man’s future just because of a drunken mistake. And I acquiesced. And this makes me angrier than anything else – the way the police prioritised his future over my well-being; the way they minimised what happened to me; the way they insinuated my being sexually active would make the case more difficult in court. Side note: Whilst in the instance above I think the police were appalling, I have more recently been involved in an investigation into sexual abuse I suffered when I was younger, and I really cannot fault the way the police have handled my case and dealt with me as a victim – so just like it is ‘not all men’ it is ‘not all police’ – but whether or not you get a man who isn’t rapey or a police officer who does their job should not be down to sheer dumb luck and while it is ‘not all xxx’ it is the whole system.

E

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Reported historic rape to the police. The police departments in different regions of the UK are required to each do their separate part of the investigation if occurrences of violence happened in multiple regions, and they have trouble communicating with one another. Some members of the police force were surprisingly compassionate, and some were ill informed about sexual violence. Being told by a sergeant about my rape that ‘to me it sounds like a sexual assault followed by consensual sex, but not rape’ made me feel confused, worthless, and like it was my fault. How did they think it was possible for a woman to consent to sex immediately following a sexual assault?

JB

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I am a 53 year old woman who has worked in the Metropolitan Police (London UK) for the past 31 years. In an MST meeting with my male boss today discussing an operational meeting I am attending on his behalf. After running through a few things he concluded, ‘So not much for you to do, just turn up and look pretty’. After I picked myself off the floor I drafted an email to him which will be sent. Staggering that he thinks to use this language is ok at all, but especially in the light of the Sarah Everard case & the necessary focus on toxic male culture in the police.

Hedge Burley

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I was raped when I was 17, I went to the police, evidence was taken, statements given. I was told “there is very little point pursuing this as it won’t result in a guilty verdict” It was such a violent rape I needed to be fixed up in hospital afterwards. I dropped the charges and regret it every single day, I’m now 41

Lonneke

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For years i am veing stalked by my ex Still nobody stops him. Justice does not help. Police says to keep up with telling them, but it does not have a stop. The sexisme is strong with judges ( woman or man), they tell me i have chosen him as my man!

Ellie (Pseudonym)

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I was in my early twenties when he took what was left of my innocence and faith in the world. I had over a year earlier escaped a sexual abusive relationship, I had escaped my rapist, I was safe now, I was home…. It was the run up at Christmas and I was excited, spending the early evening with his children – the youngest falling asleep in my arms not long before he returned. He was out drinking. He came back drunk. We had a drink. He came and sat uncomfortably close. Something was up. He looked at me in a strange way. He lent into kiss me. I tried to reason. Expressed how I felt about him, how I saw him as an older brother, how I loved his fiancé dearly, how I loved my partner dearly, his children dearly. I held his hand begging him to see me as a young sister – begging him to keep our family together. But he didn’t listen. He tried to kiss me again. And again. He caressed my inner thigh and put his lips to my breasts…. He said he wanted to fuck me. I was scared. I was shaken. But I was lucky – I managed to escape upstairs to my all embracing partner. The rest of the night is a blur of tears, of police lights, of desperation. They said it was sexual assault. They took my statement – a statement I later withdrew out of fear. One moment. One trauma. A broken family. Broken hearts.

My friend’s story

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I’m sharing my friend’s story because I don’t know what else to do. Her flatmate’s boyfriend got into a little trouble with the police and one morning they came round to her flat and he wasn’t in, it was just her and her female flatmate. The two police officers were male and they did a search in the flat. My friend was in her bed at the time and she was under the covers not wearing any clothes, because that is how she sleeps. One police officer went into her room to conduct a search while the other officer and her flatmate stood in the doorway. The police officer that came into the room sat on her bed and searched under her covers and his hand made his way up her leg until finally touching her genitals. We couldn’t convince her to report the story, which I understand must be daunting to report to the police a sexual assault case that was done by a police officer.

A

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I was at a friends for her 17th birthday. There was just 4 of us, 3 girls and 1 boy. I knew the boy was a creep and had been in trouble in the past (apparently blackmailed a 14 year old girl to send nude pictures) so I was always wary of him but I promised my friend that I would be kind to him. I felt safe drinking with such a small group but of course I got way too drunk. I had never been that drunk before. We were all drunk (or so I thought) and were cozied up on the sofa. I grabbed his crotch and kissed him neck, slurring my words but at that point (while I would have never done that sober) I was comfortable. I started feeling really tired and so asked my friend if I could go to her bedroom. I asked the group if anyone would come up and cuddle with me. I have only admitted to one person that at that point I wanted it to be him. The girls wanted to stay downstairs so he came up. He took a while and I actually went down to call for him. I even took off my sanitary pad before he came up. However by the time he got into the bed, the alcohol really hit me and I was out of it. I felt like i was floating in and out of consciousness. He then started kissing me and grabbing my boobs. I distinctly remember slurring out the word no repeatedly and I was so frustrated that I couldn’t move. I still don’t know if that was just because of the alcohol or if I froze out of fear. He then attempted to finger me – I remember the pain. i don’t know how long it took place and if he tried to insert his penis. Finally I came to the point where i felt conscious again. I remember turning over to see him facing away from me and I thought he might be asleep. I felt down and my underwear wasn’t there anymore and I asked him what happened to them. He sounded tired and said something along the lines of “I don’t know you must have taken them off”. I started realising what had happened and panicked. I found my knickers, shoved them on and went to the bathroom. I then cried sat in the bathtub and eventually rang a friend – it was 5am. I don’t know how long we were talking and what I sounded like but I know I was sobbing and eventually she said she was coming to get me. I went back in the room to grab my stuff and he was asleep in the bed. I went downstairs and asked my friend to let me out and she almost refused but she could see how upset I was but I said i was fine. My friend was outside in the backseat of a car driven by her boyfriends mum with her boyfriend in the passenger seat. I cried the rest of night while my friend held me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Eventually I walked home the next day and got a really hot shower. I told a friend who was close with him and eventually I told the friend whose house it happened at. Eventually i was forced to make a statement, by my head of sixth form, at the police who when I refused to tell them who did it made me go to social services because I was 16. My friend who picked me up went to every appointment with me and gave me all the cigarettes I felt I needed to stay calm. The man who dealt with my case was awful and implied it was mothers fault as she had a statement that was retracted about her to social services when I was 6. Then he said it was my fault for drinking. It was an awful experience and he kept threatening to tell my parents and the meeting were to see if I was mature enough to deal with what happened without parental involvement. He judged that I smoked and drank so I did everything I could in the months after the assault to prevent him from telling my parents. My mum has always believed that what you are wearing and if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs means you are at fault if an assault takes place so her finding out was honestly the worst thing I could imagine. Eventually it was dropped. It was almost be 2 years and I still really struggle with it.

16

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I was at a friends for her 17th birthday. There was just 4 of us, 3 girls and 1 boy. I knew the boy was a creep and had been in trouble in the past (apparently blackmailed a 14 year old girl to send nude pictures) so I was always wary of him but I promised my friend that I would be kind to him. I felt safe drinking with such a small group but of course I got way too drunk. I had never been that drunk before. We were all drunk (or so I thought) and were cozied up on the sofa. I grabbed his crotch and kissed him neck, slurring my words but at that point (while I would have never done that sober) I was comfortable. I started feeling really tired and so asked my friend if I could go to her bedroom. I asked the group if anyone would come up and cuddle with me. I have only admitted to one person that at that point I wanted it to be him. The girls wanted to stay downstairs so he came up. He took a while and I actually went down to call for him. I even took off my sanitary pad before he came up. However by the time he got into the bed, the alcohol really hit me and I was out of it. I felt like i was floating in and out of consciousness. He then started kissing me and grabbing my boobs. I distinctly remember slurring out the word no repeatedly and I was so frustrated that I couldn’t move. I still don’t know if that was just because of the alcohol or if I froze out of fear. He then attempted to finger me – I remember the pain. i don’t know how long it took place and if he tried to insert his penis. Finally I came to the point where i felt conscious again. I remember turning over to see him facing away from me and I thought he might be asleep. I felt down and my underwear wasn’t there anymore and I asked him what happened to them. He sounded tired and said something along the lines of “I don’t know you must have taken them off”. I started realising what had happened and panicked. I found my knickers, shoved them on and went to the bathroom. I then cried sat in the bathtub and eventually rang a friend – it was 5am. I don’t know how long we were talking and what I sounded like but I know I was sobbing and eventually she said she was coming to get me. I went back in the room to grab my stuff and he was asleep in the bed. I went downstairs and asked my friend to let me out and she almost refused but she could see how upset I was but I said i was fine. My friend was outside in the backseat of a car driven by her boyfriends mum with her boyfriend in the passenger seat. I cried the rest of night while my friend held me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Eventually I walked home the next day and got a really hot shower. I told a friend who was close with him and eventually I told the friend whose house it happened at. Eventually i was forced to make a statement, by my head of sixth form, at the police who when I refused to tell them who did it made me go to social services because I was 16. My friend who picked me up went to every appointment with me and gave me all the cigarettes I felt I needed to stay calm. The man who dealt with my case was awful and implied it was mothers fault as she had a statement that was retracted about her to social services when I was 6. Then he said it was my fault for drinking. It was an awful experience and he kept threatening to tell my parents and the meeting were to see if I was mature enough to deal with what happened without parental involvement. He judged that I smoked and drank so I did everything I could in the months after the assault to prevent him from telling my parents. My mum has always believed that what you are wearing and if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs means you are at fault if an assault takes place so her finding out was honestly the worst thing I could imagine. Eventually it was dropped. It was almost be 2 years and I still really struggle with it.

Sara

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I was used for sex by an ex boyfriend. It was a complicated codependent & toxic rship. During it my ex partner would coerce me for nude pictures, shame me, insult me, threaten me amongst other things. When I lashed out after his abuse mixed with my own mental & physical health issues, came to a head, he got me arrested. One of the male policemen watched me get dressed to get taken down to the station, & at the station another made indecent jokes about ‘not killing yourself’ whilst in my cell. I also have had another ex partner continuously stalk me on & off, sending me sexually aggressive messages & dick pics.