Jane
I was inappropriately touched at my brother’s wedding by an elderly relative of the bride. It was the reception, and we had just been introduced. He held his hand out for me to shake and I shook it. Instead of letting go of my hand, he held on and said ‘turn around’. I was confused for a moment, when he said ‘there’s sand on the back of your dress’. As I turned to look at the back of my dress, he grabbed by arm and turned me away so I couldn’t see it. I began to protest that I hadn’t sat in any sand, but he was already running his hand forcefully down my lower back and over my arse. He did this three times. The skirt of my dress was full and sat out quite a way from my body. He pressed so hard that the stiff fabric moved back against my body, and the force pushed my hips forward. As this was happening, I was looking my uncle straight in the eye. He did nothing. After the perpetrator finished, I glared at him. He responded with ‘oh, I told your dad about it.’ About a minute after the incident, I went to my uncle and said ‘you hold him, I’ll hit him’. He looked very uncomfortable and didn’t make eye contact. He said ‘yes, I could see you didn’t look…’ he didn’t finish his sentence and turned away awkwardly. I then went to find my father. I asked my father if the perpetrator had spoken to him about sand on the back of my dress. He said no. I told him what had happened, and my father said ‘yes, he’s a really sleazy old bastard’. I said I was aware of that, and repeated what had just happened. My father then said ‘don’t let it get to you, don’t let it spoil your night. Move on. There are plenty of men like that in the world.’ I replied that I was well aware of how many men there were like that in the world, but the conversation ended there and I was frustrated that, once again and as always, nothing was going to happen to the man who touched me inappropriately. I logged on my extremely restricted private Facebook page and posted a #MeToo post, briefly summarising what had happened, and in a response to a friend’s comment alluded to the identity of the perpetrator. The responses from my close friends got me through the rest of the night sitting so close to the old man who had touched me, and I felt supported. The next day, my mother received a text message from the bride demanding that I remove the post. My mother, father, the bride and her family began to blame me for ruining the wedding. According to my mother, my uncle denied any knowledge of the assault. My mother and father told me to take the post down and apologise to the bride and her family. I refused. My father offered to help me get justice, but only if I apologised to the bride and explained my actions. Again, I refused. For the next 20 hours I sheltered in my room in our shared accommodation while my father raged at me through the door. He said these things should be dealt with quietly and privately, not on social media for the whole world to see. He said I was a coward, and that perhaps that was why I experience sexual assault so often. When I asked if he honestly thought that was why I was repeatedly sexually assaulted as a 19/20 year old by someone twice my age at work (I provided graphic details which I do not feel comfortable sharing here), he told me I was stupid. I had never told my father of my experience of sexual assault before. His response was to call me ‘stupid’. With the help of a family member and friends I was able to exit the accommodation and return to my home in another state. I have not heard anything from my family since the incident. That my own family could victim-blame like this shocks and disgusts me more than I can articulate. In the scheme of my experiences, this was a minor incident, but and incident none the less. How badly does a family member need to be violated before you will not blame them for speaking out? Is it just when the incident occurs at a special event that we must stay quiet? Personally, I would have preferred to kick him to the ground and stand with my heel to his throat until he announced to the entire reception what he had just done. I didn’t do that. I didn’t create a scene. It was my brother’s wedding. I didn’t want to spoil the day. Is posting a #MeToo post on my private Facebook page after the fact really ruining the wedding? Of course not. This is just more pathetic victim-blaming.