Public space

S

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I was walking along the side of a main road whilst travelling in India (although similar things have happened in the UK) with my partner’s family. A man drove past on a moped and grabbed my bum as they went past (I wasn’t walking in the road, they had to go out of their way to come that close to me). At first, I thought it must’ve been an accident and I didn’t say anything to the people I was with. But a little bit later, I burst into tears in front of my partner’s family and had to explain to them what happened. I accepted after that that it was very unlikely to have been an accident. Looking back on it, I’m annoyed at myself for not being more angry initially and responding by shouting at him or anything beyond freezing up (which is what did happen). I worry that I facilitated their behaviour because I didn’t react so they maybe think it’s okay to then do to someone else, but logically I realise that’s not on me. I have since sworn back at catcallers, which I had never done before and it’s been hugely satisfying; but that was only in a situation where I felt safe that they wouldn’t retaliate because I was with my 6ft+ boyfriend so it isn’t quite the strong female power move I was hoping it would be.

Anon

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A man who was at at the time and may still be now, serving as a Special Constable in a UK police force told me drastic and terrifying lies about activity in said force so that I wouldn’t leave him. He also stalked me at my place of work, at home and out with my friends. People knew and did nothing, including my then employer who are still global. Luckily others I love and trust did do something and helped me. I want to report this to the police but I don’t think they will care as I have no proof.

anon

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i was walking down the street and a got whistled at, a guy in a van then turned around and proceeded to follow me until i ran through a field to get away

Mo

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The constant accusation by the red top press and elsewhere that a women is ‘flaunting’ something (dress, abs, legs, backside, etc) is aggressive and abusive. Women wear clothes they enjoy – it is not flaunting anything. This word should become a total no-no when used to describe any female, as the word feisty is; let’s start challening its use please

Nelly

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Having to resend online forms again and again, including for UK government background checks, because I selected “Ms” instead of “Miss”. Having forms rejected by government because my bank (HSBC HK) arbitrarily decided I would be known as Mme without asking me my preferred title, so the titles on my documents didn’t match up.

AD

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When I was a young woman I was repeatedly sexually harassed and treated like I was defined by how I looked. As an older woman I am routinely ignored, spoken to like I am stupid and I often feel invisible. I have really struggled to find who I am in public space. What I notice most is the cruelty towards women inherent in both- either as an object to be leered at or a non-person. One way I notice how I am not heard or seen by men is that they so often get my name wrong- it’s not an unusual name. It amazes me how often even men who have known me a long time still get my name wrong. I said to one of them once “You would not get my name wrong if I was 30 years younger” but I wouldn’t want to go back and be treated like that either.

Angela W

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Took my son to the doctors on Friday about ongoing stomach issues. His dad had taken him a couple of times before about the same issue but he was still having problems, so I rang to book an appointment. The doctor has a new policy of doing remote appointments, so he called me to take about my son’s issues. I explained as best I could but I am not the patient! He told me to bring my son in, so I did. In front of my son, he said, “see… this is why we like to meet the patients rather than talking to mum” – like I had tried to speak for him? I hadn’t spoke during the entire time. The doctor seemed to forget that he rang me when he was adorning me with “anxious mother” tropes.

S

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From 10 years old onwards I’ve experienced constant sexual harassment in my life. An early example was of walking home with a friend and a group of older teenage boys whistling and laughing at us as we approached their group and as we walked by two of them exposed themselves and both had erections. We ran home shocked. We didn’t know what it was all about to be honest, didn’t have the words to tell our parents, but instinctively knew to get away. I developed breasts early and it drove the boys in school crazy. Constant comments and groping. One time a few boys from school called to my home (I was about 12 and my parents were at work) and when I answered the door one of them grabbed my breasts then threw money at me? They all ran away giggling and laughing. As a young woman I am unable to count the amount of times men would whistle at me, rub themselves against me in busy clubs or bars, grab my breasts, grab my genitals and try to kiss me (which is the most stomach churning sometimes). In my working life if I was in any way nice to a male colleague they’d think I wanted a sexual relationship, even though at this stage I was married with a child, they’d make advances at work gatherings or comment on how I looked “really great” in this or that or say inappropriate things about how it was a pity I was “already spoken for”. Let’s not even mention the staring because life is too short. As a 40yr old I felt the harassment has eased, I guess I’m not as desirable anymore, which further compounds the fact that in many men’s eyes my worth isn’t much more than their sexual satisfaction. Or so I thought. Maybe the pandemic meant less exposure to men because post lockdowns I’ve noticed the stares here and there, the attempts to get into my personal space and touch me (not breasts, I’m not that green anymore) and recently a friends partner has called to my home with spurious reasons, hugged me (it’s that passive aggressive shit, if I say no to a hug am I the bitch for misinterpreting his intent) and commenting on how well I look. As I type all of this I wonder why it is I’ve never reported any of it, officially or otherwise. I guess I’ve felt it’s part of being female – warding off male attention, but in a way that doesn’t result in you being labeled a bitch or in some way making the man aggressive. I’m drained after sharing this.

x

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one of my personal pet peeves is when im at school or out in public and a man feels the need to put his hands on my waist or touch my waist to get past me. especially when they physically move you out of the way instead of just asking you politely to move. i get fully grown men doing this and I’m only 15. It’s uncomfortable. and a power trip for them apparently.

Anon

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I was leading a group workshop today, in a publicly funded centre. I covering for the usual male leader, on short notice. A man came in late, and I showed him the extra seating so he could get a chair. He said “I will sit on your lap. I will see if something comes up.” He said this loud enough for several people to hear. This is inappropriate sexual language at any time; plus it reduced me to a body in front of people when I was leading the group. I told him never to talk to me like that again. He said okay then walked off. There was no apology. One man nodded at me to show subtle support. The others pretended not to notice. When the first man was rude to me later, also in front of the group, I called him out, and refused to accept his sorry, not sorry pretence for an apology. At the end of the workshop, the man did apologise for the later rudeness, though not the sexual comment. I accepted his apology. However, one of the men who had ignored the sexual comment, and heard the apology, told me I was too harsh on his colleague, and he was surprised at me.