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My granddad recently died, and I’m extremely conflicted. On one hand, I really loved him, and miss him a lot. On the other, I used to wish he was dead when I was younger. He used to kiss me whenever I saw him, but it was weird. It must have started when I was about 10, but I don’t remember exactly. I must have blocked it out. He used to ask “do you love me?”, and I started off by saying nope, in a mischievous sense, until one day I said yes, and he kissed me. Fully on the lips. I really didn’t like it, as it felt very wrong, and I tried to tell him at the start, but he didn’t listen, so I just tried to ignore it. I think he must have felt he was entitled to it. It progressed the older I got, and so I used to pretend I was asleep or try to avoid him whenever I was in the same house as him. Once, he pushed me against the wall, and basically started to grind against me in this weird sexual way, and all that I could think to say was “Please, I’m thirteen!”, and his reply was something like “I’m not going to do anything.” He’d always want a kiss, and always maintained it was full of passion, and I just couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, especially when he started to give me money as I was his “favourite”. I just felt incredibly guilty. He used to squeeze my thigh whilst giving me a lift home, and as a result I always react badly whenever anyone touches my thighs now. I suspect my nan had a suspicion of what was going on, but neither of us have ever mentioned it. At this point, I can’t bring myself to mention it to my parents, as I don’t think they’d believe me. Even if they did, I don’t want them to blame themselves. I’m eighteen years old.