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I was sexually assaulted by a guy who went to the same university as me. I reported it to the university student support service, went through weeks of interviews and investigations where I showed pictures of the injuries I sustained and gave a detailed statement about what happened. He was given a warning, and I never heard from the university service again. I was extremely frustrated; he had violated me, and I had no doubt he would do the same to another girl. This was a guy who was extremely prominent in the university community (he was one of the heads of the main student union) and had a huge social media following. Since the university only gave him a warning, he must’ve felt untouchable. Immediately after finding out the university’s decision, I contacted the police via submitting a report on their website. They immediately contacted me and opened an investigation that same night. I provided a statement, answered their questions, and he was brought in for questioning the following day. Finally, I thought, something was going to happen. They interviewed one of my closest friends (the first person and only person I had told about the assault, aside from the university support service). They asked her questions about how I typically dressed, did I often drink in excess, did I enjoy and frequently go on nights out etc etc… you can see where there is going, right? The night the assault happened, I was completely sober, in bed, in my pyjamas. The guy had been on a night out and was reasonably drink. He had phoned me, pressuring me to let him come over, cajoling and persisting when I expressed my reluctance. Finally, I gave in and allowed to him access my flat. All of this I told the police in my initial interview, but in the subsequent ones, numerous questions seemed to centre around my drinking habits, how many guys did I date, how often I went on nights out. During the interviews, I often remained very matter-of-fact and direct, no letting myself break down. They questioned my friend asking whether I usually displayed so little emotion. They were essentially questioning me on my inability to display an ‘expected’ level of distress. It turned into an investigation into my sincerity as a victim. After 3 weeks of questioning, I was told that a member of the police would be in contact with me with an update on the investigation. Its been over a year since I was told that; I have contacted the department three separate times asking for any form of information, each time I am promised a call-back, and each time I never received one. The guy who assaulted me graduated within a month of the assault, moved cities and continues to plaster himself over social media. I have days where I just want to shout from all social media channels what he did to me, and how dangerous I have absolutely no doubt that he remains to be, but I know that either nobody would care, would think I was grasping for attention, that I was slandering him for my own gain or assume that I been asking for it, or that I had put myself in that situation, and therefore should simply deal with the consequences. It just infuriates me that he, and countless other men, will violate women and then continue to achieve and be believed, whilst the woman is put on trial for WHY SHE LET THIS HAPPEN TO HER.

Natalie

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I am a single parent with 2 teenage boys (17 & 19). I have experienced many sexist forms during my life and believe many to be linked to sexual predator nature rather than sexist behaviour, however that is another debate….. My frustration is around household tasks. I have friends and colleagues, both male and female, who ask if my boys put the bins out as this is a “blue job”. I am straight and personally, I do not need the support of a male in my day to day life except sexually. My response is always, my household has always had purple jobs, if a job needs doing then anybody is my household is capable of doing it in order for the household to run. I am not saying it is always done (I have 2 teenagers) but when required, asked or actioned independently all 3 of us are capable of doing everything.

MJ

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I am an American and Italian dual citizen and have lived my adult life as a “trailing spouse” – a wife who has supported my husband’s career internationally while not being awarded work or study visas of my own. Typically, I’ve held “spouse” or “visitor” visas. This situation has made me financially and legally (immigration wise, at risk of deportation upon separation or divorce) dependent. We have three children. He is abusive in every sense of the word – emotionally, sexually, financially (I have no idea what earnings or savings he holds), and physically, culminating in an incident in 2021 in which he drank 3/4 a bottle of whiskey and woke me from a dead sleep choking me to the point of a whiplash and vertebrae injury. I saw a doctor two days later and carefully reported the incident but could not file a police report, as then his employment, our family of five’s only source of income whilst I lacked work permissions, was at risk. Even in explaining the precariousness of my situation, I was asked to return two hours later for “exam and x-ray results”… wherein I was ambushed by the police. I was then referred to a social service agent who asked, first question “What is your plan to for financial independence or to return to your home country?” Despite holding a US Bachelors and years of unpaid NPO experience, I was told in the absence of local language fluency no one could assist me with employment. And I had no one to return “home” to and three children I’d be leaving behind, due to the Hague Convention (I would require my abuser’s permission to have them leave their country of domicile). I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t go. And to add insult to injury… again and again… I was phoned by KESB and informed that should the children witness further abuse, I would lose custody as at this juncture I was complicit as I did not leave the relationship. I am still in this position to this day. I have been married 23 years and am in a foreign country with three children. I’ve made contact with countless attorneys, women’s aid groups, embassies, and advocates, literally all of them are optics and all of them unable to assist. And the remote work option that seemed so promising during the pandemic has all but disappeared. I’m here, financially dependent, abused, and in a system that does not recognise unpaid caregivers. We are simply prisoners.

Alison

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I was sexually abused as a child and imagined that the experience made me, some how, different. I wondered whether I was ‘setting off a hormonal reaction’ in men – maybe smelling different? Because as a child, a teen, pregnant, a young mum, middle-aged and now fifty, with multiple sclerosis – I have been consistently; molested, leered at, touched, commented upon, put down, treated inappropriately etc…the list is endless. I now know that it is not just me – it is happening to all women and girls.

Pauline

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Last year I was raped and my boyfriend at the time knew about it, I trusted him so I told him what happened to me. He was saying things like “why didn’t you fight harder”, and “you should have fought harder”. But then this one time it really hit me what he said. I was taking my antidepressants at the time, going through depression and anxiety, and these meds made me gain weight which made me also even more insecure and even worse, not only didn’t I feel safe anymore in my body, but also I couldn’t recognise myself to some extent. Then he told me that at least because they make me gain weight, no one will even want to rape me anymore.

J

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My brother sexually abused me when I was between the ages of 4 and 6. He convinced me not to tell our parents. When I told our parents years later, when we were all adults, they said they didn’t want to “take sides” and can’t understand why I can’t just “get over it.” I’m so angry he gets to walk around town with his head high like he’s a great person and I have to suffer through PTSD when having sex with my husband.

Maria

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I’m 49 and my list is obviously so long that I don’t know where to start. My father’s friend that played hide and seek with me in a pitch dark bedroom, the stranger that stopped his car as I was walking home from school, opened the door and masturbated (I was 13, it was the first penis I had ever seen), policemen, teachers, friends of teachers, professors, construction workers, fellow bus and metro riders, I can go on. I’ve just discovered this site through the book you’ve written, and I bow to you and to all the girls and women that have shared their stories here.

Chloe

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I’m 22, my grandparents ask me whenever I visit if I have a boyfriend yet, and it is usually followed up by ‘still don’t want kids?’. My older brother never gets the same questioning.

Anon

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I’ve never ever told anyone this before… But I was sexually abused when I was a child. A man phoned me at home and slowly and expertly manipulated me, tricked me and used me. It was only a one off occurrence but it’s affected me my whole life. It’s been close to fifteen years…

Anon

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My list of male abuses is very Long As a child I was sexually assaulted many times. By a school teacher, a neighbour, a lawyer, my uncle, my brother and a sales man. I saw flashers, had my backside groped, horrid sexual jokes and language, sexist jokes and so on. I thought for years it must be something about me. BUT I absolutely now know it was the pervasive systemic culture of our country that allows boys and men to think this is all ok. I continue to be shocked by how common this still is. Woman continue to be blamed and often I hear people say it is so different today. It is not. We continue to say of rape victim “she was in the wrong place at the wrong time’ . NO SHE WAS NOT! Stop blaming the women. She had a right to be where she was and only when we start holding men and the system accountable will this change We need to think deeply about our unconscious bias, what we say and how we challenge. How we support each other to challenge and be brave