Child sexual abuse

Simran

I didn’t know what impact does sexual assault does on your mind and body till I was a adult. I was about 5 years old when my parents hired a man to tutor me and my brother. He used to finger me and when later my breasts had grown, groping my breasts and all of that in front of my brother who was 3 years at the time. This went on for about 6 years and I thought it was quite normal. So, basically I am making a mistake in my homework, and as a punishment that person will finger me or grope me. One day, I finally got the courage and told my mom that this was happening. My mom immediately the next day, told that tutor that are you punishing me and his reaction was ‘Oh, she made a mistake in her homework and thus I punished her.’ That teacher/tutor was immediately fired by my mom. Then, that incident was never discussed. My mom tried to remind me that if someone is touching you in a way and you don’t like it, and you don’t have to worry or think that this is your relative or friend or some random person, you need to speak aloud and tell that person to stop. You need to tell me and I will see that. After many years, navigating through school and college, I became terrified at unknown touch. Everytime even when someone I know and trusted touched me and I was not familiar with their touch, I shuddered with fear. This incident affected me very badly. I thought everytime in my life I have done something wrong, even as fighting over my best friend over a stupid thing, I need to be punished. I always thought to punish myself by attempting suicide. Due to this mentality of mine, I tried to attempt suicide 4 times and was in a really bad state at the last time, hospitalized and everything. Police coming and asking me questions. People not understanding and giving me stares. I have just avoided that place(my graduate school, last year) I attempted suicide. It took me months of therapy and like trying this really hard and telling to my friends and they understanding, that this mentality was grown in me due to my assaultor. This feeling of distrust that no man apart from my family should be trusted. I will allow no one to be that close to me cause I don’t know when that person will assault me. The worst thing is I saw that tutor about 2 years, I knew that was him, and he was trying to talk to me like nothing happened. I just ignored him and was trying to talk to my cousin about some other things. Then, I had to go somewhere and I saw that that tutor is also going the same way. I just grabbed hand of my cousin and was shaking and was trying to slow while this person goes his own way. I just wanted that this person who ruined my life, gave me this much fear, don’t even have a ounce of guilt. I hate the fact that I can’t tell anyone in my family this story, especially my cousins so they learn that this is not ok and they have someone to talk to. I just hate the fact that some people can affect you so negatively and still can live a normal life. While I am dealing with such emotional trauma. Just feel bad for the children for they are growing into such world.