Comments

Ruth

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One of the worst memories of my teenage years is the one I have of sitting in the reception of my high school having a headache when a boy who was older than me by a couple of years sat down next to me and draped his coat over my leg and began touching me intimately. I was shocked (this was happening in front of adults) and I didn’t know the boy or how to speak up being only 13 myself. I later told my mother who played the whole thing off as “maybe he just liked the feel of your trousers” Later I began working and having started at only 15 I would regularly be the subject of pointed stares, jokes and sexual comments from male co-workers the term “if there’s grass on the wicket” was bandied about more than once. Manager and colleagues in workplaces would often apologise to me for swearing (as I was the only woman) or ask me to fetch drinks/arrange catering (not my remit) The worst experience in the workplace came later where a colleague who was 30 years my senior grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his lap resting his hand on my rear at a Christmas party whilst he berated me for not having received an order routed through my department. I was a manager he was ranked below me in the company but still felt entitled to touch me. Each of these experiences were intensely uncomfortable and have stayed with me. I’m glad of the opportunity to voice them and show how ingrained sexism is in the behaviours of some in our society

Kritika

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I was born and brought up in a very small town in Kerala. I was a big girl from a very young age (only by body size), and my breasts were bigger compared to other girls of my age during my teenage years. When I was 10 years old, I started wearing a sports bra. One day, a teacher called my mother and spoke to her in private about buying me an actual bra. She said teachers were talking about my breasts in the staff room. My mother took me out for lunch and took me bra shopping. My 11-year-old self was utterly humiliated wondering why teachers were talking about my breasts at school. I was one of the first to wear jeans and Kurti (a typical attire these days in my place). One day a lady who runs a shop on the street came and told my father that all the autorickshaw drivers who park their vehicles at the opposite end of the street were getting tempted with my breasts and so he had to make his daughter cover up her breasts with a shawl. I still wonder what was her actual problem. It’s true I’ve got stares and some weird comments from the group, but I always closed off my ears. Anyway, after the lady’s recommendation, my self-confidence went down a notch and my mother too recommended it was better to wear a shawl than create trouble.

C

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I live with 2 men and another woman, we have done so for 2years; while studying university. Whenever I walk into the lounge after dressing up for an evening or make an effort one of male housemates always make comments on my figure or parts of me. But on other occasions, when I’m less dressed up I get comments such as aren’t you going to put on more make-up, or make an effort. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my home. I tried to talk about it, but now it’s a house joke that he makes me feel uncomfortable – he is a good friend, but sometimes its too much. I don’t know what to do.

Lisa

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I am a server and was working one night when two middle-aged men (I specify age here because I am 21, the age gap making the encounter even more infuriating/disgusting) came in and sat in my section. Within 5 minutes of serving them, I realized they were completely drunk, told my manager, and we agreed to cut them off if they ordered anymore alcohol. The whole situation was unusual because I work at a mid-to-high range sit-down restaurant, and had almost never had to cut anyone off in the 3 years I’d been there– it was not the kind of place you got drunk. The comments started small- saying their night was better “because you’re here” (serving them) and making comments like “you’re beautiful, you know that?” Every now and then (very rarely, thank God) I have to serve a middle-aged man who makes these sorts of comments and proceeds to eye me up all night, and it makes me very uncomfortable. The comments started to escalate; “beautiful” turned into “sexy,” confirming that they had been sexualizing me from the moment I started serving them. I was asked multiple times if I was married, if I had a boyfriend (yes), which did not deter them. Thankfully, they were leaving shortly and wanted their bills. I was frankly terrified to bill them because I would be forced to stand at the table for several minutes with no escape. In hindsight, I should have gotten someone else to take payment– I should never have to feel uncomfortable at work. I brought the bills and waited while one of the men whipped out some cash. He placed some money on the table and asked, “Would you like another $20?” I responded, “That is completely up to you, sir.” He then said, “How about we go outside and talk about it?” The implication that he would pay me for–presumably–sexual favours was fairly obvious, especially considering the escalating comments and lecherous stares. I simply said/yelled “NOOOOOOO I don’t think so” and walked away as he said “Jeez, I was just kidding” in an offended tone. I waited until he had left to clear his table, and saw that his glass was broken- according to the table next to him, he had smashed it. As I was cleaning up the glass I looked around and saw he was coming back, which was terrifying. He shouted “Hey YOU! COME HERE” at me from about 20 feet away. I froze, and he came up quick- he threw a $20 at me, which I snatched, glaring at him, and quickly walked away (I thought about throwing it back out of principle, but the thought of having been through all that bullshit AND having to tip out of pocket on the bill convinced me to keep it). I got a bit of smug satisfaction when one of my friends hosting said that guy loudly complained, “‘I tipped her $20 and she didn’t even thank me!’” as he walked out the door. While this was an extreme case of sexism, I have received a ton of harassment and sexism working in the service industry especially. Men take advantage of the power position in which it is your job to facilitate a good experience for them to make inappropriate comments that would otherwise end that interaction. Normally, if a man said something about my appearance on the street, I would ignore him. In this situation, my choices are fairly limited by the fact that I must serve them for the next two hours. Although I warned my manager about the situation and kept her updated on the sexism, she agreed (when it was just comments about my appearance, i.e. ‘beautiful’) that it was something we (female servers) had to put up with every now and then. Of course after telling her about the final encounter when paying the bill, she assured me that if we recognized him again he’d be thrown out. This isn’t the first or the last time I’ll encounter sexism in the workplace– thankfully, besides this incident, it usually involves comments that are not blatantly offensive/degrading/disgusting. I would still prefer it if men my father’s age would stop saying the following: -“You should come join us for a drink when you’re done” (usually said jokingly-but not jokingly by groups of 2-3 middle-aged men) -“You have really pretty eyes. Come closer so I can see them.” -“Do you work out? You look like you work out.” No, sir, I do not want to join you. I would like to know how you like your steak, and that is all.

Melanie

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The other morning I was walking to work at 7:45am. I was tired. I didn’t have any make up on. I was wearing a baggy black t shirt, flared trousers and runners. I almost want to stop myself here because obviously, it doesn’t matter what I was wearing. what I’m trying to convey is that it was a day where i didn’t care what I wore or what I looked like. I wanted to be comfortable. A man made a sexual comment about me. Obviously this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Because I’m a woman. But I’ve noticed a trend. These men, (and every instance it is a man) say these comments just as there are past you. By the time you have registered what just happened they are metres away. Leaving you petty unequipped to confront them. They are taking so much power from women this way in one foul swoop. I turned to confront him but he was very far away. He had turned back to look at me, waiting for a response. I gave him the finger. Sometimes I’m not sure how to approach these situations. I feel like barking back an insult somehow only spurs on the idea to these bastards that the whole thing is just a fun game of wits and who can quickly think of a better put down. I almost cry with anger at the thought of how entitled these people seem to think they are to make comments about women who are simply being in public spaces. To me, it exposes a complete lack of respect and disdain some men have for the opposite sex. It’s infuriating, upsetting and wrong. A few weeks ago my friend and I were walking down the street and a bus driver in uniform made sexual comments about us. A bus driver. In uniform. Does this mean that if ever I’m on a bus alone late at night, I should be scared because a bus driver might rape me? Some might accuse me of over reacting here. But if this bus driver who obviously had no regard for my consent about being commented on, surely logically, he has no problem in disregarding my sexual consent. The rage.

Steven

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I play sport at school and I am male. Lots of women at school comment on my physique when I train or go swimming. I feel like I am being raped with words. It is horrible.