confused

When I was in high school, I went to a party where the host continually offered me drinks. We were not dating, not in the slightest. Eventually, I was so drunk on grain that I could hardly think or see straight. I spent the night there. He talked me into it. I don’t remember much but I know my ass hurt the next day. I wasn’t a virgin, but had never had anal sex. He laughed about it, even made a comment in my yearbook about “that one fun night”. To this day, I don’t know if I was raped, consented or something in between, but for decades I have lied about it, hid it, and have never spoken about it to anyone but my husband.