humiliation

Anon, F

My first kiss was stolen against my will. I went to a show with my friends, and were meeting up with a friend of them (who was the performer). I think I was around 18 at the time. We were watching the show then I got called up to be the assistant. I was already nervous and I didn’t want to go, but ended up giving in because the crowd was getting jeery and my friends were egging me on. I figure.. what’s the worse that can happen? It’s just a show, and I have a whole audience watching me. Nothing bad can happen, surely! But then the worse DID happen. The performer begins his magic trick and towards the end he asks me to kiss his cheek to ‘complete’ the trick. I *really* didn’t want to do this as it was making me feel uncomfortable, but what can I do? I have this audience watching me, my friends watching me, and the performer basically saying “it’ll be fine, I promise”. But just as I kiss his check, he turns his face towards me so that I end up kissing his mouth. I was completely humiliated. The audience roars with laughter, a few wolf whistles ensue, too. This guy assumed my sexuality and my being single (I’m ace). He assumed my intentions and what I was comfortable with, expecting me to decline because society clearly gives women the space to do so without harassment. I don’t hold any negative feelings towards the guy; he’s just a pawn. At the end of the day, both he and I played our parts in society: the roles that are expected of us. All I can do now is be more aware of situations like this and call them out.

Sophie

Not only growing up, but also as an adult, I have been treated as fragile and needing protection or help, specifically from men. I appreciate help when I need it, but the assumption that I will need help and can’t do something on my own is humiliating. This is not in reference to one incident, but to many many many small experiences throughout my life. I’ve also been taught that I need help from a man to protect me from… other men? I was taught it’s dangerous to be an unprotected women. When I was 10, my mom showed me how you could place a car key between your fingers, make a fist, and potentially fight off an attacker. When I was 12, my friend said it was getting dark and we should be headed home because she was scared of being out past sunset. When I was 14, I hid in my locker because a boy who had kissed me the previous day was looking for me and I didn’t want to be found. When I was 19, my friend was drunk and while goofing around, he strangled me until I blacked out. I regained consciousness and ran away barefoot and crying, but returned for my stuff, only to find my friend had punched several holes in the wall out of frustration. I had to be the one to console him that everything was alright. It wasn’t. When I was 24, I had told my bf I didn’t like being strangled, but during sex he did it anyways because that’s what all his past girlfriends enjoyed and he thought I would change my mind and like it too. The worst part was that it took me too long to break up with him, because I told myself it wasn’t THAT BAD. When I was 27, I had a panic attack when someone tried to cuddle with me and placed their arm across my neck. I feel like I am broken, but know that it’s not me that’s the problem that needs fixing…

Jody

I have made my own way in life in many aspects. I have the money now to buy my own house for myself and my son. I took my boyfriend, who earns considerably less than me and has not had my extensive career, with me to my first house visit. (Incidentally, my boyfriend is an amazing man who is very supportive of me and my career and he helps out with raising my son, etc.) The man showing me the house made eye contact with my boyfriend only and talked to him the whole time even though I had made it clear that I was the one buying. Even when I would ask an informed question, he spoke to my boyfriend. Another agent literally asked me what my husband earned. When I said I had no husband, he asked how I would pay for the house. He wanted to make sure I wasn’t just visiting out of curiosity. I live in France.

MaKenzie

I was sexually assaulted by a friend in high school. We were all drinking in my friend’s house. I was sleepy and myself a girl friend and my male friend were all sitting on a couch watching TV. There were several other people in the room, both male and female. I said I was a little too drunk and wanted to go to sleep. My male friend asked me if I wanted him to show me to the bedroom. I said, yes, that I wanted to sleep for a bit (it was late evening but not yet night). Several people began jeering and whistling when he said that which I found embarrassing. I trusted my friend. His girlfriend was a close friend of mine and I always thought of him as very kind and trustworthy. He led me upstairs and showed me the spare bedroom. I lay down and heard him walk out… well I thought he walked out. He walked to the door, and shut it then joined me in bed. I was immediately afraid and confused and embarrassed. I shut my eyes and acted like I was incredulous to him laying there. Maybe if he thought I had already gone to sleep he would just leave the room…. He started trying to ‘rouse me awake. I shrugged him off and told him I was tired and just wanted to be left alone. He put his hand up my shirt. I pushed his hand away and asked him to ‘please just stop’. He got angry. Kept grabbing me, putting his hand down my pants, up my shirt and grabbing my hand putting on his crotch. He got on top of me and began trying to remove my clothes. Telling me , ” Don’t worry… I know you want to do this.” I didn’t . I just kept asking him to stop. He would vacillate between anger and gently persuasion . I tried to role into the fetal position and just asked him over and over to leave me alone. I was so embarrassed, anxious and admittedly afraid. I was also incredibly confused and hurt. I really enjoyed being his friend. I valued my friendship with his girlfriend and I was only just beginning to date one of our own mutual friends. He eventually , frustrated with my behavior, masturbated onto me while I lay in the bed asking him to stop, then left the room and joined the party. I was too humiliated to leave the room but too afraid to stay there. I waited until the party died down and called my friend to come get me. My shirt strap was torn, I had scratches and bruises on my chest and I was very upset. I went to her house and showered and bought clothes. She was very sympathetic but advised me not to tell anyone. That decision was made for me. The next day I went to our local coffee shop to meet with our friends . I hoped he wouldn’t be there. He was. I begged my friend not to confront him. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what to say or how I felt about everything yet. She was mad so she questioned his behavior. In front of everyone I cared about, everyone who’s friendship I relied on soo much at that time he took a large rock and smashed it into his face. Bleeding and yelling loudly. Everyone went to him asking him to stop, to calm down, comforting him. They told him ‘ he was drunk, I’m sure nothing like that happend’. ” we all saw MaKenzie flirting with you, I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.” They hugged him, they comforted him, they asked me to come over and tell him I wasn’t mad, that it was all a mistake… to APOLOGIZE TO HIM. And… I did. I apologized. I asked him to allow us all to remain friends. I asked everyone else to just stop bringing it up, to go back to before. Not to ‘make a big deal out of it”. I honestly believe part of my personality died that day. I still see him. I am married with a child and another on the way. More than 10 years has gone by and I still get physically ill to hear his name. To see him at social gatherings. To accept his hugs or Christmas cards. I am so disappointed in myself.