physical abuse

MJ

|

I am an American and Italian dual citizen and have lived my adult life as a “trailing spouse” – a wife who has supported my husband’s career internationally while not being awarded work or study visas of my own. Typically, I’ve held “spouse” or “visitor” visas. This situation has made me financially and legally (immigration wise, at risk of deportation upon separation or divorce) dependent. We have three children. He is abusive in every sense of the word – emotionally, sexually, financially (I have no idea what earnings or savings he holds), and physically, culminating in an incident in 2021 in which he drank 3/4 a bottle of whiskey and woke me from a dead sleep choking me to the point of a whiplash and vertebrae injury. I saw a doctor two days later and carefully reported the incident but could not file a police report, as then his employment, our family of five’s only source of income whilst I lacked work permissions, was at risk. Even in explaining the precariousness of my situation, I was asked to return two hours later for “exam and x-ray results”… wherein I was ambushed by the police. I was then referred to a social service agent who asked, first question “What is your plan to for financial independence or to return to your home country?” Despite holding a US Bachelors and years of unpaid NPO experience, I was told in the absence of local language fluency no one could assist me with employment. And I had no one to return “home” to and three children I’d be leaving behind, due to the Hague Convention (I would require my abuser’s permission to have them leave their country of domicile). I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t go. And to add insult to injury… again and again… I was phoned by KESB and informed that should the children witness further abuse, I would lose custody as at this juncture I was complicit as I did not leave the relationship. I am still in this position to this day. I have been married 23 years and am in a foreign country with three children. I’ve made contact with countless attorneys, women’s aid groups, embassies, and advocates, literally all of them are optics and all of them unable to assist. And the remote work option that seemed so promising during the pandemic has all but disappeared. I’m here, financially dependent, abused, and in a system that does not recognise unpaid caregivers. We are simply prisoners.

Pat

|

When I was in high school in NY State (1970s) it was common to ‘snap’ bras. The boys would come up behind us and pull the elasticized band. It hurt, was humiliating and they just laughed as they went by. Not a SINGLE one of them was ever reprimanded. My girlfriend was in a stairwell having ‘words’ with her then-boyfriend. Suddenly, he physically attacked her, putting his hands around her throat and shoving her up against a wall. At the same time a male teacher was coming down the stairs, saw what was happening, and just kept walking. Again, in high school, I had been in a school play with a football player opposite me in the ballroom scene from My Fair Lady. At the cast party, he kept trying to kiss me and make out and touch me. I wasn’t interested. Not. At. All. I said ‘no,’ but his response was, “You Owe Me.” I called my parents to pick me up. I told my dad and he was very angry. He said, ‘you never owe anybody anything like that.’ So that was good. But still, nothing happened to the kid and I went through the rest of my high school years with him. When swimming one day in the lake, my friend and I were treading water and talking (we were 13ish), when a man who was my aunt and uncle’s old school friend—the guy was at least 35/40, bald…to us he was basically invisible…certainly ew not attractive—swam up behind us, on my side. We didn’t even know he was there. Until he reached out under the water and tried to ‘feel me up.’ I swam away. Told my friend, but not my mom. Years later–I was an adult–I saw that man at their house again. I just stared at him. I wondered if he thought it was just OK what he’d done? That he thought I’d been too young to remember? Tell you what: I never let my kids out of my sight. When I was 17 at University–a snotty East Coast school–we had a dance/party with guys from an even snottier school and during a slow dance my partner–a guy I had not known before that night–kept rubbing his erection into my stomach. When I backed up he said, “Don’t back up,’ and pulled me in tighter. It was gross. And that’s not the only time that happened to me. Or my friends. In the Caribbean, with my then husband, I got pulled away from him at a street party by a man who said, “Let’s Dance!!!” It was so quick & suddenly I was away, and got dragged into the center of the street, where suddenly I was surrounded by 5 or 6 men, and being groped from neck to knees. They also went in my pockets and small purse (nothing to steal). I kept looking for my husband to help me, but he seemed not to understand. When I escaped (when they let me go), I immediately wanted to leave. We went home to the hotel and I spent 45 minutes in the shower. I felt utterly shaken and like my skin was dirty. The rest of the vacation, I was frightened around the edges and couldn’t stop thinking of it. I tried to explain to my husband. He just stared at me blankly. Told me, ‘oh, they didn’t mean any harm.’