@sexismisharm @rape @sexualassault @rapecultureinhungary @metoo @stop

Kocsis Sára Petra

I have way too many stories, and I just turned 18 in February. I have a kind of amnesia since childhood, and if someone would have told me the reason or it a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. I noticed men find me attractive pretty early, when I was followed home at the age of 10. I wore simple jeans, and had even a coat on. It went on this way. I was followed sometimes, and was catcalled, even though back then I didn’t know anything about it. I just got depressed. They called me a slut even in school. When I was 14, I got into a psychiatric clinic. In the meanwhile I still couldn’t step out of the house without recieving catcalls, being groped or followed. Even my first class master sexually assaulted me, though it was “only” petting my thigh and keep on getting intimate even with small touches. The vice-president of the first aider group I worked with also made comments about me, and tried to flirt. He did it to most of the newcomers. My first boyfriend abused my body in my sleep. Everytime we slept together he’d do it. And I forgot it daily. I woke up everyday, reading through my notes to learn where am I or who I am exactly. I didn’t notice all these because my mind went blank, and I basically was like a zombie. I didn’t dare to think. Also everytime I went to a party, someone tried to get me. Since my ex was real jealous and controlling, we only went to parties together. In one I still got drugged. My period is irregular, and once when it came after 2 months. It always hurts like hell to the point that in the begining I can’t even stand up, so I usually complain about it a lot, and so I did to him. He said he already thought I was pregnant. “How could I be? We use condoms”- I said to which he told me the condom ripped once. When I managed to gather my courage and break up with him, I already had sight symptoms of PTSD. I also only then realized he wanted me pregnant to make sure I won’t leave him. Later on with the help of therapy (took four years until now) I found out what caused my amnesia throughout my whole life. A friend of my dad raped me at the age of 5. I still don’t know how to deal with my flashbacks, and this whole thing. I don’t dare to talk when I need to, because I feel ashamed and all used up. I can’t get myself to talk, because whenever I try to, I feel that it’s too much for people. Uncomfortable. So I keep silent about my needs. But at least I now have enough confidence to stand up for others, and that is why I must thank you. All of the people who are raising their voices. You saved my life, and not even just once. Thank you for all the support you give to us.