Victim shame

Lily

As an 18 year old, there isn’t much you can say to get the approval and validation of the adults around you. To say that coming out with this story to my parents was hard is a complete understatement, as it is so painful I still haven’t been able to tell my father. When I was 13 I suffered endlessly with my own psyche, flash dieting and gaining the weight back instantly only to get rid of it over and over again. The icing on the cake was a boy I had met in school named Maurice. We were together always and inseparable in the hallways for months until his friends told him they had all had sex already; whereas he was a virgin still (he was 16 at the time). Day in and day out he would shoot me random texts asking when we would have sex, & as a thirteen year old this was the least of my concern. One day I stayed home from school because I had woken up too late so he asked me to come over since he was home too. I walked 3 miles to his house because I couldn’t ask my mom for a ride without being berated with questions. I then followed him to his living room, only to find that he was home alone and had a bed set up all nice and neat, “lets have sex now” he whispered into my neck and I refused, citing my age as the reason although inside I knew it was far more than that. He began aggressively cursing at me, calling me a whore, calling me fat, saying I should feel lucky to have him. I then tried to run and he pushed me over and had sex with me right there. After he finished he told me to walk home and never text him again. I had to climb out his window and be chased by his big German Sheppard. I cried the whole way home. Two months later, we hadn’t seen each other since that day. He did text me every other day asking to see pictures of me nude, despite saying he didn’t want to speak to me. I had to go to the hospital at one point for stomach pains and my mom cornered me asking if there was a chance I may be pregnant, gritting her teeth and smiling, the type of anger you see before receiving the biggest ass kicking of your life. I explained the situation the best I could even though everything in my body told me to shut down and shut up. This was the most courageous thing I had ever done in my life. Only for it to be followed by “really lily? You couldn’t wait until you were 18 like your sister? No wonder he took it, you’re so easy” The months following I cried every night in my bed alone and spoke to no one. I allowed my silence to eat me whole. My mom then forced me to go on the pill saying “I can’t afford for you to be out there FUCKING everyone”. I still haven’t told my dad. I don’t know if I ever will.