win win

Cara

I lost my virginity as an aftermath of rape. But I did nothing to report it or get justice. It was my mistake. I was 17. I thought that the guy was cute and smart and funny and sweet and friendly. I was the one that agreed to meet up after the festival we worked at together. I was the one who decided to wear shorts and a top at a hot summer night. I was the one who decided to have a drink that night. I was the one who didn’t have to go home that night. I was the one that loved movies and agreed to go to his place to watch both of ours favourite. I was the one who didn’t know how to say NO. I was the one who let herself be pushed on a couch. I was the one with clothing so easy to take off. I talked about it to a friend of mine. “At least you are not a virgin anymore!” was all she told me. So I stopped talking about it. I was told it had been a “win win” situation. I had won a first kiss taken by force. I had won microscopic wounds in my vagina and bleeding for three days. I had won a lost virginity. I had won trust issues. I had won distaste for my favourite film. I had won an STD. I had won changing the things I wear. I had won the paniced feeling everytime I go out with friends. I had won not wanting to talk to any of our mutual friends. I had won hating my feminen body. I had won false shame for having a vagina. I had won depression. What did he win? I do not know and I do not want to know.