Margie

Everyone told me when I was kid that a sensible, strong woman just “took no notice” or “laughed it off” when people harassed her. That was the dignified way to respond. When I got kissed by a drunk on the bus, I thought it was gross but I tried to forget it as soon as possible. When we got catcalled in the street we tried to ignore it. My mum had her own experiences of sexual assault but that was just normal too and, being a sensible woman, she didn’t make a fuss about it. So when my brother told her when I was 4 he’d seen my grandfather sexually molesting me well, she and my dad thought it must be a “one-off”, that I should be careful not to be with him alone, that they’d be careful not to leave me with him alone but that the key thing was to “not make a fuss” so I didn’t think it was my fault. Of course, I thought it was my fault. No one was telling him (or me) that it was not. And, unfortunately, he was a sadistic psychopath and the incident my brother saw was just the tip of the iceberg. So when I got tickled and I didn’t want to be and no one stopped it, how was that different from being brutally raped and tortured by him and his associates (more than 40 men and some women)? How could I tell as a child where that line was? If it didn’t start at my own skin and my say in who touched me and whether I wanted them to or not, where did it start? The people round me who cared for me didn’t understand that something “small” could be the same as something “big” … that all of it eroded my bodily autonomy. They’ve been horrified to find out what happened. It didn’t seem the same to them. But, you know, in many ways it still seems the same to me. I tried to “take no notice” and “not let it affect me” but that doesn’t work with regular, extremely brutal child sexual abuse. I’m not sure it really works with any abuse. It’s time the dignified, strong response was to make a fuss, to see the connection between little steps that damage our sense of self and make us feel unsafe and big crimes that deeply damage and end lives. I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and I hope my child, boy or girl, will be free to be themselves, with respect and safety and a strong sense of their own value. I intend to teach them to always help other people have that too. Thank you for this project. It’s so important.