The first real experience I can remember was when I was 12 years old. I was at a family party where distant relatives were also present. My dad’s uncle sat down next to me with another older man whom I did not know. Every so often, they put their hands on me and started rubbing. They also both made inappropriate jokes. I know I didn’t feel comfortable at the time and I knew immediately that what they were doing was not okay. I then looked at my mum who was then standing a few metres away together with the wife of my dad’s uncle, my grandmother’s sister. They were both watching us and knew perfectly well what was happening, but nobody said anything. A few years later, my mum started talking about it. She said she knew it wasn’t appropriate and that she wanted to intervene but she didn’t dare. I told her that she should have, that I felt very uncomfortable and that what those men did was really inappropriate.
With one of my exes, sex was very painful (he did not respected my body). At first, I said this to him but he started using it against me and saying things like (manipulating): “You never want to have sex with me” “Is this another excuse for not having to have sex?” “Am I still doing something good for you?” “You think I’m bad at sex”. I then kept silent when it hurt because I didn’t wanted to lose him. I’ve had sex a few times that I started crying from the pain. One time I said something about it. I said that I was in pain. He asked where. And I said, “My belly, probably my bowels from you pushing so much.” He laughed and shook his head: “Your bowels… that’s impossible.” And he just carried on. Look, he was not a bad boy. I don’t want to defend him (not at all) because what he did was really not okay. I just want to say that the world should not always think that someone has to be thoroughly bad to do this. It made me realise that the upbringing of men and women is really not okay. We make women afraid and responsible for men’s actions and men know that they are hardly held responsible. This can be seen in almost every man. And most of them do not even know that they are being manipulative, sexually abusive or doing anything to disrespect women. They have grown up this way because society never taught them this. That is what should change… our way of thinking and acting, all of us.
