Language

KareBear

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I have blonde hair; I am not ‘a blonde’. I work with individuals who have disabilities, and have been trained to use “person-first” language. It’s really quite simple. This means that when describing someone, you say, “she has Autism” not “she’s Autistic”, or “he uses a wheelchair” not “he’s in a wheelchair” or (worse yet) “he’s confined to a wheelchair”. I found that I have been using appropriate language for individuals who have disabilities, but failing to use it for anyone else including myself, fellow female colleagues, and male friends. Worse, when I have been described by others as ‘a blonde’ I hadn’t assumed that was wrong, and didn’t speak up for myself. Men are not described as ‘a blonde’ or ‘a brunette’ ever. Why is it acceptable for women to be described this way? This language problem is also applicable to survivors of gender abuse; they are often diminished by our society’s (and the media’s) description such as “she’s a battered woman”. How about “she survived abuse”?!?? I hope for a day when we can all use appropriate and accurate descriptors, and remember that these things are attributional; they do not define us as individuals. When we decline to use person-first language, we ignore the person, and they are then only seen as that quality, not even human. I am first and foremost a human, and will no longer be a prisoner to these language chains. Please consider your choice of words, and speak up when you hear someone who may need some language education.

Jasmine

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I live in the city Brisbane, Australia and I’m 32 now. Like many of you, I have struggled since my teens with societies expectations of me. My greatest struggle has been accepting myself as a woman who in todays society will never really be safe, for society tells us a woman’s body is open to all. Why do we as a collective accept this to be true? Why do people say that a woman is less than an equal in rights and security? Why when a woman falls prey do we say she deserved it? I mean really when you think about it, what kind of a horrible human being does one need to be to ‘deserve’ being violated emotionally, physically or spiritually? At 15, my best friend was involved in a very public court case after being sexually assaulted by her coach. Kids and adults alike would say things like ‘ she deserved it, I bet she asked for it, dirty little slut, I bet she was sleeping with him willingly until her mum found out.’ I never heard one statement of concern for her wellbeing from another person. When I, at 16 went to a sleepover and woke up to being raped by my friends 19 year old brother, I was scared I would endure the same fate. My raper lived in the next street and when my raper later told his mum we had sex ( leaving out the vital details on consent) she would come to my school and scream at me calling me names like slut, whore, and skank in front of other students. By the end of the year I had no friends and I was afraid to leave my house in case I ran into one of them. At 19 a co worker one day decided I was going to give him sex and I didn’t have a say. For 2 months he harassed me at work, trapping me in hallways, elevators, and the carpark making demands of me. My partner and his father, a hr big wig told me not to report it, that when a woman reports sexual harassment the guy gets off scot free and it would ruin my career. I said nothing, instead I withdrew into myself further, I varied my arrival and departure times from work. I always left with other people until he was finally fired for other reasons. Here is the thing, I’m an average looking woman, I have no sexy feminine features, I don’t openly flirt or make sexual banter and I wear cargo pants and steel caps where I can. No sane person could ever claim that I brought these things on myself, yet society would tell us I had it coming. I’m a female project manager who has mostly worked in all male offices. The language used by professional men that carries undertones of sexual assult and womanising are unreal, from senior associates in business meetings saying things like ,’someones got her period, you need to get laid, someone needs to bend you over and put you in your place.’ To a written warning with feedback of ‘ your not a team player because you crossed your legs [ because I didn’t want to flash anyone] in the meeting and there is something wrong with your face.’ The only kind of feedback I have received in my career is the super unhelpful kind like , just don’t be you, don’t be a girl, don’t be motherly, act like a lady, don’t act like a lady, don’t be so friendly, don’t be so aggressive, things my male co workers would never be told. My ultimate issue is the alarming amount of men who have told me that as a woman in engineering sexual harassment, both verbal and physical, and verbal threats on my body are apart of the job, so I should get over it. At 32, only my abuser, my best friend and my partner know that I was raped. All these years I have felt ashamed that I couldn’t protect myself. I’m still embarrassed that my scares haven’t healed, that they still affect me, because I’m strong and one little event shouldn’t impact me for so long. I don’t sleep at other peoples houses, I have a panic attack when I come home to an empty house; feeling like someone is hiding in a room to get me I gingerly work my way through the house checking each room. If I stay in a strange bed, like a hotel room or unfamiliar place alone I wake up in terror screaming ‘get off me, help me.’ When I see the news and they describe in detail an event of assault my stomach twists in a knot and I end up throwing up in the bathroom. As a project manager, I have never heard a man use the following terms to describe me: assertive, organised, got it under control, or a good leader who achieves results. No I get labelled bossy, bitchy, aggressive, motherly and many more. Sexual violence impact our friends and our family. These things impacted my relationships, one ex started telling people I had been cheating on him, because I was so afraid to come home to the empty house so I would sit at the station after work talking to people so that I could arrive home at the same time as him, so I wouldn’t have to go in the house alone. I recently took an interest in studying gender linguistics and the differences between men and woman and how we communicate. I cant’ tell anyone about it because those I did tell labelled as a man hating trouble maker. I find it disturbing and fascinating the amount of self help books and articles that say men are set as they are and a woman needs to accept that and adapt to suit how man see up and act accordingly. I hope society can change before I have to bring kids into this world.

Laura

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I was told by my own father not to say the words ‘knackered’ or ‘bloody’ because they were masculine and ‘not lady like’, to quote. It was such an off-hand comment, I don’t even think he realised how sexist it was until I snapped at him, listing the profanities I was not afraid to say at the expense of my ladylike reputation. Sexism in language often goes unnoticed, but it’s at the root of so many other wider feminist issues. How many times have you heard someone use the words ‘stroppy’, ‘bossy’ or ‘strident’ to describe a man with ambition? I think these words in particular are reserved for women only due to the male fear of strong women; but nevertheless, it’s a very good example of everyday sexism

Anon

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I have just looked up how to use the word ‘aptitude’ correctly in a sentence, as I want to use perfect grammar in a formal letter that I’m writing. This website gives thirty examples, 27 of which are specifically attributed to men, eg. ‘In his childhood he showed a great aptitude for languages; according to his own account he knew Latin, Greek and Hebrew at six years.’, and 3 of which are (relatively!) genderless, eg. ‘Look for declining statesmanship, inferior aptitude, genius dying off.’ http://sentence.yourdictionary.com/aptitude

B

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When we specify a person’s sex when it isn’t necessary to do so, we enable sexism. The word ‘he’ as (supposedly) gender-neutral has crept back into use, insidiously promoting sexism previously challenged by language changes introduced in the 70s. We need to go back to she/he or better still lets all embrace ‘they’ even though it is grammatically awkward. Don’t accept pink for girls and blue for boys either. Or gendered toys ffs. Do you really think your daughter only wants pink plastic high heels when her brother gets the blue shoes with wheels in the soles?

A woman manager

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A younger male in my department inappropriately comparing me to his mother in a derogatory manner, in a situation where no insult or other opinion on me was necessary.

Susan Burt

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Everyday sexism/ everyday ageism Dear Chuggers, young man working in Sainsbury’s , receptionists, checkout workers, etc I am 61 years old, going a little grey (quite like the silver highlights) , rather overweight (working on that). I like to wear comfortable shoes and dress in a way that means I don’t have to think about what I’m wearing once I’m wearing it. You meet me out and about on weekdays because I decided to retire at 60 and now I am a free agent. That does not make me senile or stupid or gullible and, chances are, that if I were male, you would not think that it did. If asked, I could tell you that I have three university degrees, two of them at postgraduate level and obtained in my 40s. I am a qualified teacher who has taught at every level of the school system, including A Level. I have lived abroad, coped with early widowhood and ageing parents, and brought up three daughters to be superb young feminists. Now, I make things, I sing, I exercise, I am interested in the world, I get on with my neighbours. I even use public transport all by myself! So please don’t patronise me or treat me with contempt, don’t call me ‘my dear’ as the 20 year old male ‘chugger’ did this morning, or ‘love’ as the young man in Sainsbury’s did the other day. Not unless you are prepared to do the same for my seventy year old husband who will probably stop and engage you in conversation in just a minute.

L

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I just can’t help but notice something that really annoys me. The fact that most words that describe a female role are in fact the male version with either a prefix or suffix added on. For example: feMALE, PRINCEss, woMAN…and so on. Also the fact that words which describe people mainly have a male root eg huMAN, MANkind, MANmade, the word MAN to describe all huMANs… And the most annoying thing of all: the word “woman” actually means “of man” ( “wo” meaning “of”) implying that women some how came from men and are the second gender! ?

A woman engineer

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First email received of the day (sent to myself + several men) says “Morning Guys”, not a good start to the day, made me feel ignored/irrelevent. Despite the sender working for a company with a 30 page diversity & inclusion policy, he says it every few minutes. Language matters. I’m not a bloke! Noone used to call me this. It’s become a horrible and lazy habit with some people.

Libby

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I am an American, and have lived and worked in the Czech Republic for 8 months, teaching ESL at a local private high school and Spanish in a local language school. There is an Easter tradition here where boys go to girls asking for eggs, and the girls get swatted with willow switches. Most of the time it’s like a mix of trick-or-treating and a game of tag, and no one gets seriously hurt. However, when it happened as I was teaching, the male principal led the boys charging and whooping and hollering into the classrooms. Two boys would grab girls out of their chairs yelling while a third would whip them with willow sticks five or six times. The girls were screaming and crying, shouting stop, stop. Having already informed my boss that I would not be participating when he told me to prepare my backside for the tradition, I was backed against the wall. My male students and my boss came at me next with their switches and hit the backs of my legs with them, even when I was saying in Czech, “no, stop that,” and thrusting my knees at their balls. I was told, “calm down, it’s just a tradition.” They left and went to another classroom, and as I could hear the girls screaming from other rooms, the girls in my classroom were crying, and saying 5 or 6 times is way too much.” I heard the guys coming back, so I braced my back against the doors, and told my students, “I won’t let them get to you.” The guys rammed the door so that I fell away from it, and as I caught my balance I was face to face with my boss, his willow switch high in the air. I screamed at him in Czech, “NO! THAT’S ENOUGH!” He spoke to me like I was a student, “calm down, it’s just a tradition!” I screamed back, “I don’t care, THAT’S ENOUGH.” The guys moved off awkwardly as my students applauded. 25 minutes later, I went to the bathroom to check my still-smarting legs, and passed my boss. Again speaking to me like a student, he asked me, “did you calm down yet?” He apologized to my husband (not to me) when my husband called him to check him on his barbarism (my amazing and supportive husband’s words), but accepted no blame or fault, defending himself and his actions. He later complained to a male colleague that I had ruined his Easter celebration, and he would not give up this Czech tradition. The most supportive thing that I’ve heard is that yes it’s a horrible tradition, but it’s not going to change, and you will just have to figure out how to work with other people whose culture and traditions are different than yours (in other words, suck it up in the name of multiculturalism). As if I, who has lived all over the U.S., Spain, and the Czech Republic, speaks 4 languages and have traveled to 20 countries, needed a lesson in cultural sensitivity. Were it a slight against me alone, I would have already quit and reported him, but as it is, I don’t want to leave my students in this environment where no one fights for them.