Tag Archives: Public space

Just hear this

I bust a gut and made myself ill trying to get mental health care for my male partner – all his drs were male, but wouldn’t take him seriously and I was written off as a fussy busybody woman. Annoyingly the lack of recognition for depression in males has been used against me when I dare talk about women’s problems – oh the irony! none of these men who argue that feminism is wrong have been unpaid carer for a depressed and increasingly aggressive male but they like the argument that men have it worse. It’s just academic point scoring from men who haven’t suffered at all themselves or been the support group for other men. If you think being a depressed man is hard, try being his partner – endless encouraging, ignoring insults and shouting, washing sheets after every nightmare, bathing him, dressing him, being manically talked at constantly half the night, driving him to work, being on call, being sneered at by male doctors, endless forms and mental health admin, my own job interrupted constantly, then having to leave my own home and start again because my partner was no longer physically safe. At one point a male authority type actually laughed in my face when I tried to get help for my partner. That was a low moment. It’s usually the male doctors and bosses who won’t admit depression in men, and usually the females who are caring for them and battling the system. Yet it’s also used against females when they start talking about any problems they might have. Oh and here’s the kicker – I got called a “doormat” because I let him have the house! Yes that word was actually used. Apparently being compassionate or sticking up for males who suffer makes you a weak “enabling” woman. But sticking up for yourself or other women makes you a bitchy, strident, aggressive woman. Dammed if you do dammed if you don’t. I’m a feminist who tries to support the men in my life when they need me. I still know women have it worse in media, domestic violence lower pay and with sex offences. But mainly with judgementalism and inability to be heard. Hoping things are changing. This website is a start. It would also help if anti feminists did a bit more of the care work instead of using male depression as a convenient argument.

Careful

Any women who are depressed or upset because your boyfriend didn’t like how many men you’ve slept with, listen up I’ve been prude shamed by two men (one of whom wanted to go out with me, the other just a random man who I accidentally made a personal confession to) because I’ve only had one sexual partner. Both thought it was pathetic and infantile and babyish at my age, or perhaps I was too picky and prissy. Either way they massively took the piss and felt entitled to put me down. But here’s the kicker – the one man I did sleep with who I was engaged to was cross because we weren’t married and tried to make me feel bad about it, I went down in his eyes and he openly admitted it put him off me (after telling some mutual friends) He was supposed to keep asking and I was apparently supposed to keep saying no. I didn’t realise that was the deal. All of these men were in their thirties. Old enough to get real and learn some social skills, i don’t know how many partners each had had, because I dont pry like they did, but I know all had had more than one. And they all felt entitled to ask and then judge whilst saying very little about themselves… You literally can’t win. Having only slept with one man I didn’t realise it would be political, I obviously knew I was never gong to be slut shamed, but I had no idea how prude shaming would happen. I rarely talk about my love life but I naively didn’t think having one partner anything to be ashamed of or anything to hide, it came up three times in conversation in my life and I got crucified every time. Don’t admit to any man how many partners you’ve had. And don’t feel bad, whether it’s one or twenty one. It’s just a way of controlling women and shaming will happen to you whether you have had many or few.

Meal deal

Dave posted about men having to pay for meals and how many feminists are ok with that. I don’t know any feminists who are ok with that, most prefer to go Dutch I had one bloke get angry and physically try to prevent me from buying my own food, when I insisted he sulked for the rest of the meal. I’ve heard men talk “joke” with me about how they are owed sex if they buy the meal I’ve had to pay for two meals where two blokes joined us then literally ran away, this also happened to my friend and is quite a common trick in central London. I’ve heard endless conversations from men on how to get money out of women. I was aggressively followed by a random man from the pub because I “looked rich” I accepted a drink from a man then got called a bitch because I didn’t want to go to a nightclub with him, even though I’d bought a drink back. One bloke thought I was desperate because I bought him a drink when actually I was just being polite and didn’t realise women aren’t supposed to go to the pub on their own. Slut shamed? Drink shamed? Going to a pub on your own makes some men weirdly suspicious. One bloke approached and made porn jokes on sight of seeing me (pretending you are a famous porn star and they’ve just masterbated to you) so I couldn’t go into that pub again. One bloke bought me a drink but spiked it. I was sick with diarrhoea for a week. I bought one man a drink just because he was there as a bit of a loose end in the pub and my ex boyfriend didn’t like it and got nasty with me and called me a slut. I went Dutch on one date meal after a man asked me out only to find he was married but had forgotten to tell me… he didn’t think it was relevant. The one time in my life I didn’t pay for the meal on a date the bloke seemed ok with it, waved away my suggestion that I would pay him money back, then sent me abusive emails calling me a bitch and a cunt. Bearing in mind I’ve only been on a handful of dates, probably about six in my life, it’s not great is it? All of this happened to me and I hardly ever go to pubs as mostly I was at home In a long term relationship. I now don’t go to pubs alone at all. I’d still rather be a boy because I’m less likely to be groped/raped, could hitchhike freely, get paid more anyway, plus i could sleep with people without being slut shamed as my body would be my business, I also wouldn’t have to block nasty comments (“suck it bitch!” Just for existing online as female) or leave social media and could have used my real face. I wouldn’t have had to deal with fake job offers ( no actual job I just thought you were pretty!) I’ve noticed males don’t want to hear about sexual assault from the women they know and aren’t sympathetic preferring to blame mixed signals etc when a woman is attacked, but scour the papers looking for any tiny bad thing happens to any man, such as an arse grab, sexual assault or domestic violence they are all over It as “evidence” that Men have it just as bad. If you’re going to talk about anti male sexism please acknowledge how much worse it is for women. Thanks. And like I say I’m happy to buy my own food and drinks, if a few women are playing online dates for money I’m pretty sure a few men are too. Ask gay men if you want to check. Scammers will always be with us.

Claire

‪Walking into Pret today I was behind 3 guys who stopped suddenly in front of me blocking most of the entrance. One of them turned around sharply and bashed into me, I was trying to get around him. No apology, instead all 3 of them just gave me a load of grief. My response was “that wasn’t the best place for you to stop”. They waited for me and I got further grief when I came back out. I wonder if it had been a man in my place would they have reacted differently. Should women not speak up perhaps? ‬

Celine

Many things have happened to me over the years, from being followed by a truck full of men when I was walking to my friend’s house at 13 years old to car horns, inappropriate comments, leers and screams throughout the years. The time that will always stand out to me is when I went to a golf tournament. Two young men on a golf cart were making their way through the crowded walk way, I stepped aside to let them pass and one of them remarked as they drove by, “I would have hit you if you weren’t so beautiful,” I knew that to him my self worth, my life and safety is all dependent on my physical appearance, that if I wasn’t so “beautiful” he would have injured or killed me.

Helena

I have a part time job as a temp while I’m at university, and the first time I met the CEO was at the Christmas Lunch. He said ‘Hello, who are you?’ I told him my name and said ‘I’m a temp for marketing,’ to which he replied ‘oh no no, I think you’ll be an intern. It sounds sexier.’ It hadn’t even occurred to him that that’s not part of my job description, and that it would make me very uncomfortable; he didn’t see anything wrong with it at all. Fortunately I was quickly reassured by others to dismiss this idea, but his general lack of awareness or consideration about what is appropriate and how he is perceiving and treating his employees (not even his equals which is bad enough but the inferiors he has authority over!) highlights an underlying, and far too easily dismissible, sexism which I am finding increasingly difficult to call out and get people to acknowledge or change. Constantly being called ‘sweetie’ or ‘love’ by random strangers; made to move through doors by men with good intentions who nevertheless can’t see it’s far more convenient to just carry on holding it for them; being beeped walking down a street and wondering if something’s gone wrong with my clothing- at times school uniform- to find, no, it’s just being casually sexualised; all experiences which we know are absolutely not uncommon at all.

jane

when i was just 13 years old, i was out for a walk in my neighborhood at about sunset. as i walked down the sidewalk, a man in a pickup truck drove by with the windows down, and he slowed down next to me. he whistled (like you would whistle at a dog), and looked at me with a look in his eyes that made me want to be sick. He was at least twice my age. as he drove off, i felt a deep, new fear take hold of me. i firmly believe that was the day i became aware that i was no longer a little girl, that i had to watch my own back. i was only thirteen!!! can you imagine?!

Parog

Last weekend I waited to show my train ticket to an inspector; he was taking ages to check the tickets and I’d been holding it out for a while, waiting to return to my book; as he punched it he told me to ‘not look so worried and to cheer up love’. The guy standing next to me had been in the same situation, also holding out his ticket for a while waiting to go back to listening to his music and he wasn’t exactly smiling either – the inspector made no comments towards him. After I left the train and was walking across the bridge to the main station, a 50 – 60 year old male starting walking very closely alongside me, smirked at me and then said he was struggling with his bag. I looked down and saw he was carrying a small suitcase in one hand, and a tote/shopper bag in the other (similar to myself), and to all visual purposes he wasn’t struggling. He smirked again and said ‘come on love, help me, I’m stuggling here, come on sweetheart’. I gave him a look and walked on quickly, worried that perhaps he had been struggling in a sense that wasn’t visible, however I heard him start sniggering and jeering along with a man that had been walking with him that I hadn’t previously noticed. They made me feel small and dirty, but also ashamed, just in case he really had been struggling. I will never know what his full intentions were and it makes me a little sick to think of it…

Ffs

Heatwave in Iraq ““We don’t know what to do. Men can go to the pool here but what do we do with our women…?” You encourage them to go to the pool and cool off too? You stop sexually harassing them when they want to swim? Sexism means suffering far worse in heatwaves if you’re a woman