taken advantage of

I threw a party at my house and it was wrapping up. A guy I’d known of through out high school that was friends with some new friends I got in my last year didn’t have anywhere to sleep so I offered my floor to him as a good host. He took this as a sign and ended up getting in my bed. I was really drunk and really tired so I didn’t put to much effort into saying no. But I never said yes. I just responded trying to sound uninterested or made every excuse on the planet telling him I wanted to sleep. He touched me in ways I didn’t want but I did tell him when he was totally over stepping, and thought of the rest at the time as eh. After trying to use an excuse to get out of my bed and stay out of it, in the morning I realized he’d taken advantage of me. And it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know I should have told him to fuck off, I would now. The grotesque memory or what I remember just fills me with rage now. When I close my eyes and I see his face I just want to hit him or worse. That was 3rd sexual experience ever and it’s been my last for a while. I can’t even kiss someone now without me feeling like they own me or are taking my power away. I feel sexually oppressed now I guess and I don’t know how to fix it. Anyway I write poetry so my way of dealing with it was to write a poem : CAUSE As your fingers crawled inside of me A block was put up deeper inside You filled me But I feel empty You gave it to me But took more with your hands You asked me But I didn’t answer Hoping you would find discouragement replaced any disappointment This breif physical connection Has breed a disconnection to myself and others like you I held my lips higher than my body Wouldn’t let you kiss me with your burning lips CONSEQUENCES I knew from a young age I didn’t like hearing my name leave their lips But it took me a while to figure out I didnt like their hands on my body Smothering me Making me think this is womanhood A scarring illusion With a caged expectation That I would find liberation in other people That they would build me up Not dimish my entire being with one touch But my expectations have been put aside to mirror theirs Whatever they may be I will make sure you find it in me Even though I will be left feeling small ANALYSIS I reject labels placed on me That is why I am not a victim I am not broken but pieces are missing To fill the holes I search for someone to burn my lips. But I fear they will take more than I have It makes me hate their presence Too close you’re to close I feel damaged and wrong in ways I couldnt speak out loud They look and I know they can’t see I think I will only find companionship with my own Because I reject being under their hand ever again.