I threw a party at my house and it was wrapping up. A guy I’d known of through out high school that was friends with some new friends I got in my last year didn’t have anywhere to sleep so I offered my floor to him as a good host. He took this as a sign and ended up getting in my bed. I was really drunk and really tired so I didn’t put to much effort into saying no. But I never said yes. I just responded trying to sound uninterested or made every excuse on the planet telling him I wanted to sleep. He touched me in ways I didn’t want but I did tell him when he was totally over stepping, and thought of the rest at the time as eh. After trying to use an excuse to get out of my bed and stay out of it, in the morning I realized he’d taken advantage of me. And it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know I should have told him to fuck off, I would now. The grotesque memory or what I remember just fills me with rage now. When I close my eyes and I see his face I just want to hit him or worse. That was 3rd sexual experience ever and it’s been my last for a while. I can’t even kiss someone now without me feeling like they own me or are taking my power away. I feel sexually oppressed now I guess and I don’t know how to fix it.
Anyway I write poetry so my way of dealing with it was to write a poem :
CAUSE
As your fingers crawled inside of me
A block was put up deeper inside
You filled me
But I feel empty
You gave it to me
But took more with your hands
You asked me
But I didn’t answer
Hoping you would find discouragement replaced any disappointment
This breif physical connection
Has breed a disconnection to myself and others like you
I held my lips higher than my body
Wouldn’t let you kiss me with your burning lips
CONSEQUENCES
I knew from a young age I didn’t like hearing my name leave their lips
But it took me a while to figure out I didnt like their hands on my body
Smothering me
Making me think this is womanhood
A scarring illusion
With a caged expectation
That I would find liberation in other people
That they would build me up
Not dimish my entire being with one touch
But my expectations have been put aside to mirror theirs
Whatever they may be
I will make sure you find it in me
Even though I will be left feeling small
ANALYSIS
I reject labels placed on me
That is why I am not a victim
I am not broken but pieces are missing
To fill the holes I search for someone to burn my lips.
But I fear they will take more than I have
It makes me hate their presence
Too close
you’re to close
I feel damaged and wrong in ways I couldnt speak out loud
They look and I know they can’t see
I think I will only find companionship with my own
Because I reject being under their hand ever again.