Elsie

So I’m scared shitless to type this. English is not my first language but sometimes saying something in a different language makes it a bit easier. It’s about 5 years ago I lost my virginity but to my friends i always say my first time didn’t count. And until this day I’m still scared to think about it hard or try to understand what and if it actually means something (sexual assault that is). My first time happened with somebody from school. While I was out with some classmates I got drunk and a girl classmate told me to walk home with this guy I vaguely knew from school. He lived close to me. And I don’t know why but from the get go i told him it’s fine that you’ll walk me home but I’m not doing anything with you so don’t get any ideas. That’s kinda the last clear thing I remember. It gets really vague after that. But I remember being at his front door all of a sudden. I don’t even know what I said or what he said (looking back I was super drunk). But I ended up staying the night and waking up with pain between my legs. Knowing by that feeling we had sex. My first time. I was so embarrassed, ashamed and uncomfortable I just went home like everything was okay. I know my close friends know this but i talk about in a jokingly manner. Like I’m not taking myself serious. I still don’t know what that night meant. Did he assault me? Shouldn’t I be that drunk? I shouldn’t have walked home with him right? All those questions. It just feels like something stupid I could’ve prevented if I didn’t get so black out drunk I guess. But I also kinda know but not quite that it wasn’t alright.