Em

I reported a former friend to the police for raping me. We’d been seeing each other as friends, and all was consensual until I tried to fight him off me and he held me down and persisted. He did this more than once. I stayed friends with him and tried to forget about it for a whole myriad of psychologically complex reasons until I found out two years later that he had done this to someone else. It brought all of the pain back, and I confronted him. I decided to report because I realised that this is a dangerous man. I felt optimistic about doing the right thing and putting his name on police radar, until I met the detective who was handling the case. He talked down to me, and in the interview he kept interrupting me with questions he wouldn’t let me answer. He asked me why I didn’t tell him to stop and commented on the messages the perpetrator sent me claiming he had no idea (of course the perpetrator is going to deny it after being accused). He kept cutting me off when I was trying to provide more information and it was clear that he had already made his mind up. A month later I was informed that the rape has not been recorded as a crime, on the basis that I didn’t (couldn’t) say stop and the rapist claimed he didn’t mean to do it in the messages he sent me. He will not even be arrested or spoken to, even though there is simply no way it was an accident. Someone who is fighting to get someone off them during sex does not NEED to say no or stop. It is obvious. It is rape. I used to encourage my friends to report their experiences to the police because I thought that they would be taken seriously. But now I have been dismissed, mistreated and not believed by the police and I will not encourage people anymore. Rape myths and rape culture are very much alive and well in police forces and I do not wish this on anyone. Because of police failures to understand consent and associated myths I will very likely never get justice and this man is free to do what he did to me to other women.