Tag Archives: police

My friend’s story

I’m sharing my friend’s story because I don’t know what else to do. Her flatmate’s boyfriend got into a little trouble with the police and one morning they came round to her flat and he wasn’t in, it was just her and her female flatmate. The two police officers were male and they did a search in the flat. My friend was in her bed at the time and she was under the covers not wearing any clothes, because that is how she sleeps. One police officer went into her room to conduct a search while the other officer and her flatmate stood in the doorway. The police officer that came into the room sat on her bed and searched under her covers and his hand made his way up her leg until finally touching her genitals. We couldn’t convince her to report the story, which I understand must be daunting to report to the police a sexual assault case that was done by a police officer.

A

I was at a friends for her 17th birthday. There was just 4 of us, 3 girls and 1 boy. I knew the boy was a creep and had been in trouble in the past (apparently blackmailed a 14 year old girl to send nude pictures) so I was always wary of him but I promised my friend that I would be kind to him. I felt safe drinking with such a small group but of course I got way too drunk. I had never been that drunk before. We were all drunk (or so I thought) and were cozied up on the sofa. I grabbed his crotch and kissed him neck, slurring my words but at that point (while I would have never done that sober) I was comfortable. I started feeling really tired and so asked my friend if I could go to her bedroom. I asked the group if anyone would come up and cuddle with me. I have only admitted to one person that at that point I wanted it to be him. The girls wanted to stay downstairs so he came up. He took a while and I actually went down to call for him. I even took off my sanitary pad before he came up. However by the time he got into the bed, the alcohol really hit me and I was out of it. I felt like i was floating in and out of consciousness. He then started kissing me and grabbing my boobs. I distinctly remember slurring out the word no repeatedly and I was so frustrated that I couldn’t move. I still don’t know if that was just because of the alcohol or if I froze out of fear. He then attempted to finger me – I remember the pain. i don’t know how long it took place and if he tried to insert his penis. Finally I came to the point where i felt conscious again. I remember turning over to see him facing away from me and I thought he might be asleep. I felt down and my underwear wasn’t there anymore and I asked him what happened to them. He sounded tired and said something along the lines of “I don’t know you must have taken them off”. I started realising what had happened and panicked. I found my knickers, shoved them on and went to the bathroom. I then cried sat in the bathtub and eventually rang a friend – it was 5am. I don’t know how long we were talking and what I sounded like but I know I was sobbing and eventually she said she was coming to get me. I went back in the room to grab my stuff and he was asleep in the bed. I went downstairs and asked my friend to let me out and she almost refused but she could see how upset I was but I said i was fine. My friend was outside in the backseat of a car driven by her boyfriends mum with her boyfriend in the passenger seat. I cried the rest of night while my friend held me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Eventually I walked home the next day and got a really hot shower. I told a friend who was close with him and eventually I told the friend whose house it happened at. Eventually i was forced to make a statement, by my head of sixth form, at the police who when I refused to tell them who did it made me go to social services because I was 16. My friend who picked me up went to every appointment with me and gave me all the cigarettes I felt I needed to stay calm. The man who dealt with my case was awful and implied it was mothers fault as she had a statement that was retracted about her to social services when I was 6. Then he said it was my fault for drinking. It was an awful experience and he kept threatening to tell my parents and the meeting were to see if I was mature enough to deal with what happened without parental involvement. He judged that I smoked and drank so I did everything I could in the months after the assault to prevent him from telling my parents. My mum has always believed that what you are wearing and if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs means you are at fault if an assault takes place so her finding out was honestly the worst thing I could imagine. Eventually it was dropped. It was almost be 2 years and I still really struggle with it.

16

I was at a friends for her 17th birthday. There was just 4 of us, 3 girls and 1 boy. I knew the boy was a creep and had been in trouble in the past (apparently blackmailed a 14 year old girl to send nude pictures) so I was always wary of him but I promised my friend that I would be kind to him. I felt safe drinking with such a small group but of course I got way too drunk. I had never been that drunk before. We were all drunk (or so I thought) and were cozied up on the sofa. I grabbed his crotch and kissed him neck, slurring my words but at that point (while I would have never done that sober) I was comfortable. I started feeling really tired and so asked my friend if I could go to her bedroom. I asked the group if anyone would come up and cuddle with me. I have only admitted to one person that at that point I wanted it to be him. The girls wanted to stay downstairs so he came up. He took a while and I actually went down to call for him. I even took off my sanitary pad before he came up. However by the time he got into the bed, the alcohol really hit me and I was out of it. I felt like i was floating in and out of consciousness. He then started kissing me and grabbing my boobs. I distinctly remember slurring out the word no repeatedly and I was so frustrated that I couldn’t move. I still don’t know if that was just because of the alcohol or if I froze out of fear. He then attempted to finger me – I remember the pain. i don’t know how long it took place and if he tried to insert his penis. Finally I came to the point where i felt conscious again. I remember turning over to see him facing away from me and I thought he might be asleep. I felt down and my underwear wasn’t there anymore and I asked him what happened to them. He sounded tired and said something along the lines of “I don’t know you must have taken them off”. I started realising what had happened and panicked. I found my knickers, shoved them on and went to the bathroom. I then cried sat in the bathtub and eventually rang a friend – it was 5am. I don’t know how long we were talking and what I sounded like but I know I was sobbing and eventually she said she was coming to get me. I went back in the room to grab my stuff and he was asleep in the bed. I went downstairs and asked my friend to let me out and she almost refused but she could see how upset I was but I said i was fine. My friend was outside in the backseat of a car driven by her boyfriends mum with her boyfriend in the passenger seat. I cried the rest of night while my friend held me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Eventually I walked home the next day and got a really hot shower. I told a friend who was close with him and eventually I told the friend whose house it happened at. Eventually i was forced to make a statement, by my head of sixth form, at the police who when I refused to tell them who did it made me go to social services because I was 16. My friend who picked me up went to every appointment with me and gave me all the cigarettes I felt I needed to stay calm. The man who dealt with my case was awful and implied it was mothers fault as she had a statement that was retracted about her to social services when I was 6. Then he said it was my fault for drinking. It was an awful experience and he kept threatening to tell my parents and the meeting were to see if I was mature enough to deal with what happened without parental involvement. He judged that I smoked and drank so I did everything I could in the months after the assault to prevent him from telling my parents. My mum has always believed that what you are wearing and if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs means you are at fault if an assault takes place so her finding out was honestly the worst thing I could imagine. Eventually it was dropped. It was almost be 2 years and I still really struggle with it.

Sara

I was used for sex by an ex boyfriend. It was a complicated codependent & toxic rship. During it my ex partner would coerce me for nude pictures, shame me, insult me, threaten me amongst other things. When I lashed out after his abuse mixed with my own mental & physical health issues, came to a head, he got me arrested. One of the male policemen watched me get dressed to get taken down to the station, & at the station another made indecent jokes about ‘not killing yourself’ whilst in my cell. I also have had another ex partner continuously stalk me on & off, sending me sexually aggressive messages & dick pics.

Reader

“Parents dead in murder-suicide at Sugar Land home as 16-year-old daughter slept inside” Instead of: Domestically violent husband kills wife, then himself in Sugar Land They make this appear as if you do not know who the perpetrator is, then the police tell the friends to not talk about a likely disturbing email the morning before the killing. Of course, they wouldn’t report domestic violence.

Kitty

I’ve been reading my local police force’s website recently (which is quite interesting, to be fair), & went onto the section about personal safety. In the section about staying safe while out for the night, there’s the usual implicit victim-blaming stuff along the lines of “remember that alcohol can affect your actions and reactions as well as reduce your ability to be alert – alcohol is the most common date rape drug”, “Don’t drink so much that you are unable to say NO!”, “consider very carefully whether you should leave the pub, club or party with someone you have only just met”, “If you look and act drunk you are more vulnerable – drink responsibly”, etc., etc. Instead of telling people to modify their behaviour to avoid ‘appearing vulnerable’ & therefore be in danger of being raped, how about telling rapists to modify theirs & not rape people?! The piece of ‘advice’ about considering very carefully whether you should leave a pub or wherever with someone you’ve only just met could also be quite triggering for someone who got raped/sexually assaulted on a night out by somebody they met in said establishment, & make them blame themselves even more than they do already for what happened to them. https://www.devon-cornwall.police.uk/advice/your-personal-safety/staying-safe-while-out-for-the-night/ In a similar vein, I was watching an episode of Crimes That Shook Britain recently, about murderer & rapist Angus Sinclair. He met his victims (2 teenage girls) in a pub, & they left the pub with him, after which he raped & murdered them. One of the policemen on the show talking about the case said that that was the worst decision they could’ve made. Victim-blaming much? Why not tell men not to rape & murder teenage girls, instead of criticising victims of rape & murder for leaving pubs with their killers/rapists, & berating them for making ‘bad choices/decisions’? I ask you! And we wonder why rape victims don’t come forward, & why conviction rates are crap. I’m really beginning to despair of the police, frankly.

Em

I reported a former friend to the police for raping me. We’d been seeing each other as friends, and all was consensual until I tried to fight him off me and he held me down and persisted. He did this more than once. I stayed friends with him and tried to forget about it for a whole myriad of psychologically complex reasons until I found out two years later that he had done this to someone else. It brought all of the pain back, and I confronted him. I decided to report because I realised that this is a dangerous man. I felt optimistic about doing the right thing and putting his name on police radar, until I met the detective who was handling the case. He talked down to me, and in the interview he kept interrupting me with questions he wouldn’t let me answer. He asked me why I didn’t tell him to stop and commented on the messages the perpetrator sent me claiming he had no idea (of course the perpetrator is going to deny it after being accused). He kept cutting me off when I was trying to provide more information and it was clear that he had already made his mind up. A month later I was informed that the rape has not been recorded as a crime, on the basis that I didn’t (couldn’t) say stop and the rapist claimed he didn’t mean to do it in the messages he sent me. He will not even be arrested or spoken to, even though there is simply no way it was an accident. Someone who is fighting to get someone off them during sex does not NEED to say no or stop. It is obvious. It is rape. I used to encourage my friends to report their experiences to the police because I thought that they would be taken seriously. But now I have been dismissed, mistreated and not believed by the police and I will not encourage people anymore. Rape myths and rape culture are very much alive and well in police forces and I do not wish this on anyone. Because of police failures to understand consent and associated myths I will very likely never get justice and this man is free to do what he did to me to other women.

angelina russo

I had an ex in my home one day… an ex of 8 years. He got drunk in the middle of the afternoon. He was getting aggressive so I told him to leave. I recorded it on my phone. For the next 2 hours, he sent me obscene texts, shouted at my doors and pryed open my window. After a while he asked for a phone charger to call for a ride, so I opened the front door and tried to hand it to him. He slammed the door on me many times. He spit in my eyes, and I just..I threw a punch. Closed fist, at his eye. Just enough to make it visible I guess. I threatened to call the police. He continued to pull open my windows and call me the N word. I am a blonde 5’2 white woman, just to give you context. I took a shower to drown out the sound. When I turned off the shower he was still outside shouting. I called the police. Im beginning to have PTSD so ill finish it by telling you that they arrested me, did not include any of the details, called it domestic battery because he said he lived at my house (he hadn’t been over in weeks) But they took me in, refused to give me any of my medication (I Have ehlers-danlos syndrome and take anticonvulsants; i also had strep, just confirmed 2 days prior because i USED to be a vpk teacher- they wouldnt give me my antibitotic)anyway. 3months 5000 dollars and much much therapy later they dismissed the case. the police gave false testimony. i read the report. it was a woman who arrested me. as she put me in the car i said “I thought we were supposed to stick together”> To which she said nothing and in the report, was described as a manipulative action. i wasnt allowed in my school the next day. iwas fired. i lost my DCF license and am unemployable because the report went into public records. this asshole had raped me in my sleep, taken pictures when iwas sleeping, hit me, slammed my head against the wall.. damn i could go on and on. he admitted to it all on my phone. ihave a university education from an honors college and a post grad degree in infant mental health. all useless now. because they believed his drunken shit over my sober account. the lawyer called it a travesty. i called it the day i bought my LSATs practice books. i will not abide. thank you for this website

Lillian M.

“Yeah, I hit her, but I have anger issues. She knows I have anger issues, so she shouldn’t have made me mad.” I am a police officer. This is one of the favoured excuses of domestic violence offenders.

Mia

Five months ago I was at a friend’s birthday party. He lives far away from me, so it was arranged that the guests including myself and two girlfriends I shared a car with could spend the night. At about midnight me and a girlfriend go to bed since we’re really tired. About 4–clock I wake up from the feeling of hands on me – one of the other guests (a former classmate whom I’ve only spoken to a few times years ago) is fucking lying next to me trying to feel me up while he thinks I’m asleep. I get up, shaking with fear, and go to the kitchen where I find my guy friend (host of the party) telling him what happened. He tells me to sleep in the kitchen instead and says NOTHING to the creep in the bedroom. The next day, when I get home, I break down crying in front of my fiancée. He helps me call the cops to explain my situation. First, I talk to a male officer. He says “that I’m lucky that nothing more happened”. Next, I talk to a female officer (since I have also have to report the incident in the county where it took place). She takes my statement says that she’ll make sure they’ll give the creep a warning and stay in touch to let me know how the case develops. I never heard from them again. The next day I get a message from creepo saying “That he didn’t know what he ever did to me and that I should really think about the fact that I could ruin his life”… HIS. Life.