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I found this site through the Sex Education video, it resonated with me on so many levels and I though I might share my story of everyday sexism.
I was walking down the road with my mother to a beach I’ve gone to since I was a kid. We like to swim at sunset when the skies are clear, and about a month ago as we were walking, a big white car pulls up behind us and slowly follows us onto the beach. At first we thought he was trying to find a place to park in the lot, but he kept driving down behind us onto the sand (something we’ve never seen happen) so my mother says with an eye roll “what a creep” and we hear back immediately “don’t worry love, I’m not stalking you”. I think our first reaction was embarrassment – we didn’t know he’d hear us, but he then started making conversation, asking us whether we were swimming, saying something along the lines of “wow I’ll have to watch you go in, it’d be too cold for me”. We said “no, don’t worry about it” but didn’t want to upset him and were saying the bare minimum to be polite, but trying to make it clear that we wanted to leave.
At that point I’m starting to get uncomfortable and am wondering if we should just leave, even though he was currently blocking our exit with his car. I’m also thinking “why are you being so dramatic? He’s probably just a harmless old man trying to be friendly”.
He asks us where we’re going to swim and there were two directions – towards the apartments on the left, or the other way which had two people swimming half way down the beach but was far from the exit. I pick to the left thinking well, lights are on, at least people would hear a scream if something happens and hopefully come to help. I look at my mother as we walk past him around the corner. We don’t know how seriously to take this situation and whether it would be silly to just go home or whether we should just get the hell out as my brain is telling me. I realise too late when we’re past him that I chose the wrong way- there’s a sort or curve that’s out of sight of the other people on the beach and even though it’s near houses it feels like I’ve backed us into a corner. I quickly text my dad to tell him where we are and get the emergency number up on my phone ready to click dial (sometimes I don’t even bring my phone to the water so I’m lucky I had put it in my pocket earlier). My mother is dipping her toes in the water and subtly keeping look out and we think it’s fine so I start to take my towel off to jump in the water, jump out and go home. Because why should we have to change our plans because of some guy? However, she quickly tells me to put it back on as he is coming around the corner. I run up to her and still with the number on my phone and loudly say we’re taking a picture so hopefully he thinks twice about coming closer if he thinks I could film him. But no, he says “do you want me to use your phone to take a picture of you two” we say no immediately, still trying to be polite to not upset him. I start to really get worried when I see he has a beer bottle in his hand. And he hangs around while we quietly try to decide how to leave without going close to him because he’s in the way of the path out.
What makes me really mad looking back is how he only finally walked away when a man walking his dog came by. I don’t want to have to be dependent on a man to stay safe. It frustrates me that we have to be polite because we don’t want to upset any men in case they get angry and violent. I hate the entitlement that they feel; he knew we didn’t want him around, he knew we had already walked away from him yet he still invaded our space. It’s like they enjoy seeing us scared and uncomfortable.
Anyway, when another guy walking a dog came past we walked behind him and then slipped past towards the parking lot and our car. I didn’t look to see what he was doing and my biggest regret is that I don’t know whether he was going to bother those other people down the beach. What if something happened to them? I was so scared of accidentally making eye contact with him that I just looked down as we left.
Afterwards on the car ride home I was just angry. Angry at the world we live in and the way we’re treated. It was only about an hour later that the adrenaline faded and I realised “wow, that was actually a really scary situation”. I mean, nothing bad actually happened, so I also sometimes feel guilty talking about how it affected me so much. But the fact that it could have gone really wrong is so scary. Talking with my friends and hearing their similar stories was very comforting, albeit very sad. I realised that we treat these things as very normal, it’s like ‘oh man listen to this crazy story’, I think partly because if we took them seriously we’d have to face the reality that bad things could (and do) happen at any time. I felt so helpless back then. I still do. I hate that feeling.
I haven’t been back there at sunset since – it doesn’t feel safe anymore. But I’m learning self-defence now, and I will go again. I refuse to let a stupid man dictate my actions, because why should I give up something meaningful to me because of him? I just wish we lived in a safer world. Thank you for reading, sharing your stories and for making me realise I don’t have to make this experience into a palatable anecdote, it is worthy of being taken seriously.