This is kind of long and mentions SA, stalking and threats of violence.
I dated a man for about 5 months, pretty casual. I’ve been involved with groups like Woman’s Aid since I was 16 and am known to be very outspoken about issues surrounding women and misogyny, he knew this. I discussed issues I felt strongly about with him but he tended to brush them off and tell me not to “spend too much time focusing” on them. I also confided in him about my experiences of being assaulted and how they have effected me (unable to have penetrative sex) which he seemed to take on board and be accepting of. After the first few months I started noticing his behaviour changing, becoming very controlling, threatening suicide when I didn’t give him attention while working or doing uni assignments, became very pushy for sex to the point of trying to drag me into club toilets on a night out and then getting angry when I wouldn’t have sex with him and also trying to touch me infront of my friends.
I eventually ended things because I felt uncomfortable but, as most women who have dealt with rejecting or breaking with men will have experienced, I still made a point of telling him he was a nice guy, I wanted the best for him and we could still talk to each other as long as it was platonic. This was mainly out of fear he would go through with threats of suicide.
Following this he would spam me with messages everyday, most of them were just updates on his life or asking me if I had seen a certain article about something he knew I was interested in. Then they started becoming nasty, asking me how many men I was seeing, how much attention I must have been getting from men, calling me names and once again implying he would kill himself when I didn’t reply to messages in the time he wanted. I made it clear I didn’t like how he was speaking to me and that I didn’t think we should stay in contact, he apologised and agreed to cut contact. After about a day he went straight back to spamming me with a mix of mundane and nasty messages, I mostly tried to ignore them, still worried that if I blocked him he would go through with his threats. After a few days I made it very clear that I didn’t want him to contact me in any form, once again he apologised and said he wouldn’t contact me but asked not to be blocked. For a few weeks he stuck to it and I was able to relax, then he started messaging me again asking to start a relationship again, I ignored the messages and he stopped again after a few days.
2 months later I got sent a letter in the post threatening me sexually and physically. It included threats that were very similar to the assaults I had previously experienced. I knew who it was straight away and messaged him asking him to be honest, he admitted it was him straight away. I got evidence of his admission and blocked him really without thinking, friends convinced me to go to the police which I was unsure of, the police are notoriously bad where I live in terms of dealing with harassment, rape, abuse etc and I honestly started worrying that I was just being dramatic, that if I went to the police they would dismiss me, and also the shame of having to show the police what he had written in the letter. I spoke to a helpline and they confirmed I should report it to the police for my own safety as he knew my address. I went and due to it being an ex-boyfriend I was referred to the domestic abuse team, thankfully the officer who dealt with me took it seriously and reassured me that I did the right thing by reporting it, I explained the issues of him not leaving me alone after repeatedly asking him to and was able to show him evidence of this. My officer went out to speak to him where he not only admitted it all to him but also admitted stalking me since we broke up, knew all my timetables, monitored everything I posted online and what my friends posted. He claimed he didn’t plan on carrying out the threats in the letter and he just wanted to scare me. After speaking to my officer we agreed on a non-molestation order.
It’s been almost 3 months since it happened and I’m still struggling with feeling paranoid, I constantly see the stuff he wrote in the letter in my head, I worry for my family and friends, I’ve mostly gotten past the upset and just have such an anger at his entitlement. The thing that has since and continues to piss me off is the constant defence of him from other men.
Men who have never met him, men who have absolutely no cause for loyalty towards him. “Breakups are harder on men than girls realise” , “What were you doing in the relationship to cause him to be jealous?” , “Going to the police was too far, thats ruined his life” , “I don’t blame him” , “You should’ve stayed with him” , “You should’ve known this would happen” , “He was probably just joking”, “It’s not like he actually abused you”.
It’s just endless. These men would rather defend the actions of a man they’ve never even heard of until I’ve told them my story than empathise with me or even just recognise that it was a scary experience for me. They hear about a man who knew my fears, knew how passionate I was about protecting women, knew how hard I struggled getting over my experiences of assault and chose to use them against me to try and “scare” me, all because I broke up with him and still they run to his defence. Men are socialised to protect each other even when it’s at the cost of women’s safety.