boyfriend

Jane

My boyfriend used to talk all the time about how much he respects women and then one day he would take some drugs and rape me and would never talk about it again because it “hurts him”.

alice

I used to have sex with my boyfriend(now ex-boyfriend) even when I didn’t want to and when it hurt. I felt that that was the way it was supposed to be, they feel pleasure and we don’t have to be touched or have an orgasm. That’s not okay. People have to be educated about it

Sophie

5 years ago, on a night out at university, a man grabbed my crotch. I was battling my way through the crowd in a club to get to the bathroom so was separated from my boyfriend and friends. A man grabbed my crotch from behind. I snapped my head around quickly to see who it was but he’d moved away. I was wearing soft material shorts and he grabbed so hard it hurt.I was so scared he might assault me again in the crowd. I ran to find my friends and boyfriend and was crying by the time I found them. Through tears I told them what had happened and that I needed go home immediately. My boyfriend wasn’t even angry or upset on my behalf but reluctantly agreed to leave, my friends were annoyed that I was leaving and ruining the night. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying in my student halls, nobody in my flat comforted me or knew how to react. It was clear they didn’t think what had happened was an issue at all. I think about that time I was assaulted every single time I’m in a large crowd.

Cristina Berenguer

My (now ex-)boyfriend used to treat me like a piece of shit while claiming that he was “a feminist” and saying that he couldn’t stand women being treated in the way they are. He was always sharing feminist videos on his social media. We had an open relationship because he had asked me to (while he always was saying it was because I would not be able to have a closed relationship – aka slut-shaming me). When we were with our friends he made me look like I was the one bossing him around, him being innocent and this poor boy who was always behind me, doing whatever I wanted. He tried to get in bed with friends of mine, while I was in the same room. He raped me through coercion multiple times – including the first time we had “sex”-, he told me my English (which is not our first language) was bad, he told a friend of mine that he was only a 5% sexually satisfied with me. He was obsessed with anal sex and he always wanted to try it with me, when he very well knew I hated it and it hurt a lot for me. In a nutshell, he disturbed my sexual life to a point where I would start crying in the middle of doing it. Still now, sometimes, I can’t have sex with my couple because I can’t stop thinking of that. Never respected my boundaries, gaslighted me and treated me like I was ugly and stupid. Now I have a masters’ degree in Plant Biotechnology and I will start my PhD this year.

He’s my boyfriend so it can’t be assault

I was with my first boyfriend from the age of 17-20 just little under 4 years, before the relationship ended he started to go out a lot and drink and experiment with drugs. As he lived with me he would come home most nights black out drunk or not even come home at all, I used to stay up all night worrying about his safety this wasn’t ideal as I was in full time education at university. One time he came in and I open the front door and I knew from the minute I opened that door he was not his normal self he had a strange glaze over is eyes it was so scary as this was not the same person it was like he was possessed. We finally got into bed and he started to try to kiss me I told him to stop because he was so intoxicated but he told me that he was fine, while he was trying to kiss me I kept trying to move away but he wouldn’t have any of it, he then began to try to touch me and I continued to say no and try to stop him I told him “I didn’t want to take advantage of him” as he was so drunk he just wasn’t listening and carried on doing it, it then got to the point I was so emotional exhausted, scared and he started to get upset and annoyed that I didn’t want this to happen I just lied their and let him do what he wanted to do. I lied there sobbing my eyes out as he began to have sex with me I just remember him looking at me smiling as tears where streaming down my face I still till this day cannot get the image of his face out my head. I remember just laying there all night crying and in shock thinking what was that why did I let that happen? The next day he woke up and I knew he knew what happened he was so cold with me, the first thing he asked me was did “anything happen last night did we do anything?” I was that scared of him and worried about his reaction I just shut him down with “NO”. After this the relationship was never the same and we spilt up less than a month later, its coming up to 3 years when this happened and every year it gets easier for me to accept what happened. For a long time I did try to tell people but whenever I would people would tell me that this was a serious thing I was saying/accusing him of so am I sure this happened, as my sister said “this can ruin somebody life saying things like this” so I hid it for years I started to convince myself it was my boyfriend so it can’t be assault how can your boyfriend who you have consensual sex with most days assault you as sex is part of a relationship? it wasn’t until I met my friend at my new job around two years ago I just broke down and told he she assured me this was wrong and I had done nothing wrong and I have every right to feel the way I feel, I cannot thank her enough she has made me realise that this is wrong. I still till this day find it hard to let other men in my life I find it so difficult to have sex but the more I talk about it with other women the easier it is starting to get, this is why I wanted to share my story on here as I want other women to know that just because he is your boyfriend, husband even friend doesn’t mean its not assault and you are not alone !!

Katie

Over a year ago now I was dating this boy. I was 14 and it was my first proper relationship or what I thought one of those was. One night at a party we were getting more intimate. I wasn’t sure what he wanted so I let him take off my bra and touch me where he wanted. This was my first time doing anything like this so I didn’t really know what to do and I actually didn’t feel that uncomfortable. A few days later we were saying goodbye after school outside the gates. It was full of students and teachers on duty and he grabbed my bum as I turned around to walk away. I felt shocked and uncomfortable but I ignored it. He did it multiple times after that including in a crowded school corridor and in front of all my friends. Ever since then I haven’t been able to get close with any other boy. I get anxious and nauseas and overly self conscious. I feel like the only asset I have that they would be interested in is my body. I’m angry that he did that to me and how it’s affected me.

Vee

My boyfriend like to tell me that I’m quite funny for a girl. When I challenge him and call out he says that he’s just being honest and that’snot sexism

when nobody helps

my boyfriend loved me, or i thought he did. we were together for a year and a half. my first relationship. he raped me more times than i can count. i told myself it wasn’t rape, that it was an accident, that he loved me – so it was fine. i sat on the feeling for months. things didn’t feel quite right anymore. he made a group of friends, and told them private sexual information about me without my permission, then asked to send explicit photos of me to the group. i told him no but the more i said no, the more upset he got. he kept trying to pressure me into a foursome with two of his friends – i didn’t know what to do or say, i tried to refuse but he’d cry and argue if i did. i didn’t know what to do. he invited me out for a meal with friends, i thought it would be a normal night – once we’d finished eating, some of his friends left, leaving him and myself alongside the two friends that he wanted me to ‘fuck.’ i was freezing cold, walking around in a jumper at 9pm in september. we walked around the town for a bit, my boyfriend kept grabbing me to the point where i felt claustrophobic, trying to be sexual but actually just frightening me. i agreed to go back to one of their houses just to hang out, i assumed we’d be talking or using our phones. when we got there, my boyfriend blocked off the area with chairs and cornered me on a sofa. he assaulted me, grabbing me and putting his hands under my clothes, not pulling his arm out from my underwear even when i was tugging on it. his friends watched, they did nothing to help me. he dragged me off to his friend’s bedroom and got me down on the bed. i was on my phone, repeatedly turning away and trying to make it clear that i didn’t want to do anything sexual. he tried to take off my jeans. it felt like a year until his friends came back in. they were trying to have sex on the bed next to us. i felt shaken and physically sick. we walked home, he grabbed my arm so hard that fingerprint shaped bruises appeared the following day, and kept asking me ‘why wouldn’t you let me touch you?’ i felt sick to my stomach from that night. the feeling of nausea, losing my appetite and vomiting didn’t stop until over a month after the attack. my boyfriend went out the following day to fuck another girl behind my back – the same girl who sat next to me and watched him assault me, doing nothing. i reached out to her and asked for help, not knowing what went on with her and him – she told me to fuck off. she wasn’t interested in what i had to say. my boyfriend broke up with me the following day so he could date her. and that was it. i have lost all my friends, respect, i can no longer leave the house and had to quit my job. i have been diagnosed with ptsd and can’t function normally. i’ve attempted suicide four times since the attack. i reported the assault to the police, but because of legal issues, they won’t allow me to access therapy. i see a therapist once every fortnight but am not allowed to discuss the assault. i want nothing more than to die. if you see something suspicious, please step in. i wish more than anything that someone would have helped me.

S

My dad has a rule that my boyfriend isn’t allowed to go upstairs when he comes over. This is mainly due to the fact that both he and my mother find it disrespectful. This isn’t something I disagree with and I completely respect this decision as I know that it is their house and I should comply with the expectations that they set. However the one thing that continues to upset me beyond belief is the fact that my brother and his girlfriend are allowed upstairs freely. His girlfriend is allowed to spend time cuddling with him in his bed, they take naps together, she changes in his room, and she’s even allowed to sleep over in his bed. I’ve brought this up to my parents and told them how they never punish my brother for breaking the rules however I was told by my father that life is unfair and because I’m a girl that I can’t go upstairs with my boyfriend. This makes me feel like I’m valued less within my own home. My own mother agrees with me in the belief that no one, including my brother and his girlfriend should be allowed upstairs together however my dad has stated in response that he is the king of this house and life is unfair. I’ve tried telling him calmly, we’ve even broken out into huge arguments about this however nothing changes. It saddens me as I feel like my own care for my father is changing however I just don’t feel that he respects me as a person because of this. It feels like I am less valued than my brother and that I can’t be free to the same standards and respect that my brother gets within my family. I guess at this point all I have to look forward to is when I finish school and can move out, but at this point it seems like that will take ages.

Aslı

I was in a relationship with a man from US and in the beginning he was so different from the men i knew since I was from a highly conservative country. I was even shocked when he was okay with me studying abroad for 6 months and didn’t break up with me for it. Even this shows how undeveloped the society was and how much i was used to it. Then one day we had a conversation about homosexualism and he kept defending his homophobia based on me being unexperienced and how i don’t know anything. I don’t even know if that was coming from his feelings about me being from this 3rd world country or me being this little girl that can not possibly be right but appearently it was not about the topic anymore. And the same night there was a protest about not cutting the trees in my home city for a gold mine and i was supporting it to the end and writing letters to unesco all day. He just saw a post about it and said “It’s not gonna work anyways it didn’t work for Gezi Park protest they still cut down that one tree.” I explained him that eventhough people died in Gezi Park and it is seen negatively it actually worked and there is no shopping mall in the place of the park that he walks through everyday and maybe this protest can work too. He just said “No it didn’t they still cut down that tree you don’t know shit.” After that I just asked him for some empathy at least since it is my home city. “And that is why women should not be in decision making positions because you are simply thinking with your emotions.” was the answer i got. It was all like the good old sexism I’ve been reading and listening about and I never thought that it could be me in a position like that with him. It does not have to be a physical act or extreme words, sexism can be in these little arguments that can be ignored and moved on. But it is there. People said “At least he is loyal to you or he’s not a bad person” in his defense and they were right. But it made me question my opinions and the risk of believing that he was right even one time was an insult to my being.