He’s my boyfriend so it can’t be assault

I was with my first boyfriend from the age of 17-20 just little under 4 years, before the relationship ended he started to go out a lot and drink and experiment with drugs. As he lived with me he would come home most nights black out drunk or not even come home at all, I used to stay up all night worrying about his safety this wasn’t ideal as I was in full time education at university. One time he came in and I open the front door and I knew from the minute I opened that door he was not his normal self he had a strange glaze over is eyes it was so scary as this was not the same person it was like he was possessed. We finally got into bed and he started to try to kiss me I told him to stop because he was so intoxicated but he told me that he was fine, while he was trying to kiss me I kept trying to move away but he wouldn’t have any of it, he then began to try to touch me and I continued to say no and try to stop him I told him “I didn’t want to take advantage of him” as he was so drunk he just wasn’t listening and carried on doing it, it then got to the point I was so emotional exhausted, scared and he started to get upset and annoyed that I didn’t want this to happen I just lied their and let him do what he wanted to do. I lied there sobbing my eyes out as he began to have sex with me I just remember him looking at me smiling as tears where streaming down my face I still till this day cannot get the image of his face out my head. I remember just laying there all night crying and in shock thinking what was that why did I let that happen? The next day he woke up and I knew he knew what happened he was so cold with me, the first thing he asked me was did “anything happen last night did we do anything?” I was that scared of him and worried about his reaction I just shut him down with “NO”. After this the relationship was never the same and we spilt up less than a month later, its coming up to 3 years when this happened and every year it gets easier for me to accept what happened. For a long time I did try to tell people but whenever I would people would tell me that this was a serious thing I was saying/accusing him of so am I sure this happened, as my sister said “this can ruin somebody life saying things like this” so I hid it for years I started to convince myself it was my boyfriend so it can’t be assault how can your boyfriend who you have consensual sex with most days assault you as sex is part of a relationship? it wasn’t until I met my friend at my new job around two years ago I just broke down and told he she assured me this was wrong and I had done nothing wrong and I have every right to feel the way I feel, I cannot thank her enough she has made me realise that this is wrong. I still till this day find it hard to let other men in my life I find it so difficult to have sex but the more I talk about it with other women the easier it is starting to get, this is why I wanted to share my story on here as I want other women to know that just because he is your boyfriend, husband even friend doesn’t mean its not assault and you are not alone !!