groping

J

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Clubs seem to be acceptable places in a guys mind for public, non-consensual, ‘casual’ groping. In crowds, they will VERY often over the course of a night pass behind you whilst just lightly stroking your butt (or just above, but close enough that you can feel where those hands want to be). Depending on where I go, this sometimes happens near constantly. You have to be hyper-aware of everyone around you and by the time it’s happened and you turn around to call them on it, they’ve practically disappeared into the crowd. On the odd occasion that you catch them, there’s little you can do but give them a dirty look. I’m not exaggerating when I say this can and has happened to me every three minutes or so (or more sometimes) on some nights. I did once punch a guy in the face for it (he went for a full on grope), at which point I was called “frigid” as he tried to make out that it was on ok thing to do; a compliment even. After dealing with way too much of it, I’m now really selective about the places I go as I know where I’m more or less likely to get groped now and avoid the places where it’s most common. The only place I actually feel safe to go and dance, be myself and actually have fun is in one of my cities gay bars. I’m straight. I shouldn’t have to choose where I go based on the local groping probability!

Anna

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I can be very outgoing and open-hearted, showing people I like and care about my affection. I like to hug people and – I am starting this story by why it might have been my fault. But it wasn‘t… I have a colleague who I used to like very much, he is about 30 years older than me and 100% friend-zoned, no flirting or attraction what so ever. We used to joke around and have a good time together. One day, he was standing next to me and somehow jokingly put his hand in my trouser pocket, really grabbing my butt for what felt like a really long time. I was petrified, did not know how to react so I looked at him and said something like „Is that how we treat each other lately? I thought that was my ass, only to be touched by my husband…“ (who was in the same room but did not seem to realize what was going on behind my back). He responded in a dull and senseless way „Well no, this is my little ass!“. The situation was SO awkward, I was completely taken by surprise, felt paralyzed and unable to confront him. I tried to ignore the incident but it‘s been a year or more and I still think about it every time I see him and I can‘t stand him anymore, I am starting to feel disgusted by him, especially because he has a way of telling me to get him a coffee that makes me furious. The other day he started nagging about how unfair it was that women came out with their stories of sexual assault decades after it happened and even accused men who were already dead. He argued, he doesn‘t get why they can‘t just keep their mouths shut. I told him if he won‘t shut his mouth right now and leave my office this discussion will get very uncomfortable for him. I wasn‘t up for a fight. He left and I felt relieved. I don‘t know how to handle it, he keeps asking my husband if we want to go biking on the weekends or do stuff together, but I don‘t want to spend a second of my time with him. I already told my husband about what happened, but he just said „Talk to him and straighten things out.“. I don‘t think anything can be straightened out. It‘s been too long, he probably won‘t remember and if I tell him now how muchvit bothered me, he‘ll just shrug his shoulders and pretend it never happened, I‘m sure…

Bex

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I was fifteen and on a bus home from a different city. About an hour into the four hour journey, a man got on the bus and sat next to me. He pretended to be asleep and kept leaning forwards, resting/ rubbing his face on my breast. This was a few years ago now, and at this point no one had ever talked to me about sexual assault and I didn’t know what to do. All I had been taught was to be polite. So I was, I shuffled and tried to lean away but he would slowly move to a position where he was back there. Years later, I still feel stupid for seriously considering that maybe he was just asleep and now wanting to cause a fuss. He tried to wait for me when I got off the bus but left when he saw that I went to friends who were waiting.

Elin

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Realising half way through a restaurant meal that all the women in our party had repeatedly had their breasts brushed my the male waiter. It took a husband to ask us why we were all sitting with our arms in cross for us to realise.

Ash

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When I was no more than ten years old, I was sexually assaulted by a classmate. We were told to stand in a line, and I realized that I had forgotten something at my desk. I turned my back on my peers to go and fetch whatever I forgot and I felt a smack on my bum. I turned around in fury to see three or four boys, all my age, sneering and sniggering. One of them made a grab for one of my breasts, at which point I turned away, went to my desk and then returned to the line (as far away from the offending boys as possible). This enraged me enough, but what shocked me the most was that my (female) teacher saw the entire thing and did nothing but smirk slightly. Bear in mind that this was less that a decade ago. I’ve never breathed a word of this to anyone until now.

Nadine

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I work as a cashier, and an older customer was persistent in “going for coffee, ” that he finagled his way into my phone with his number. He tried to tell me it would be our little secret. I promptly told the store manager, to which I didn’t feel I got much support from her. I never saw the customer again, as I deleted his number off my phone. Another incident with a different customer–I’m working the register when he walks by. As he is going by he grabs me. I yelled at him to stop. When he came to pay, I told him it was inappropriate to do what he did. He did apologize, but I took it with a grain of salt.

ester

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My friends and I had just come out of the O2 Academy, the club at our uni, and we where standing in line at the chips van. A guy who was in the queue next to us pushed closer and started grabbing my bum. I moved away, but he came closer and did it again. i turned round and told him quite loud to stop touching me. he then moved to the girl next to me and did the same to her. by the time we had got our food and where in line for a taxi the guy had probably groped every woman in the queue .

Katharine Lynn

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There’s a too many events to list them all so instead I’ll pick out a few that have never left me and still come to mind regularly; – Coming downstairs one day when my dad’s lawyer and family friend was visiting the house. I was in my nightie. He lifted up my nightie and spanked my bottom calling me a ‘naughty girl’ for not wearing knickers. I was 8. My dad was watching. I cried and nothing was said. I ran upstairs and in my family the event was never mentioned again, the lawyer still continued to come round regularly. I always wore trousers. – I was 11 and had started to develop breasts before most of my peers, in trampoline club the teacher put his arm across your chest to support you while you learnt to flip. When it was my turn he avoided touching my chest and put his arm across my belly instead, I wasn’t properly supported by that hold and fell. It gave me very mixed signals about my body; that it was something shameful. – I was 12 and was at Proms in the Park with my dad and brother. We had a picnic blanket near the back. I walked around and went to the front nearer the stage. A man exposed himself to me and tried to grab my hand to make me touch his penis. I ran crying back to the blanket, no one asked why I was in tears. I was told I was ‘attention seeking’. – I was 14 and working in the village pub. My boss would regularly either walk behind me at the bar and brush inappropriately against me or if I walked behind him he would pretend to jump and tell all the customers I’d pinched his bottom because I fancied him. I went home crying from every shift. I told my dad, he did nothing. – I was 15 and a group of friends and I went to London to see a show. We were getting the tube back to Waterloo to get the train home and on the escalator a man put his hand up my skirt and grabbed me so hard I was bruised down there. My friend’s (mostly male, we were a group of 4 boys and 2 girls) didn’t believe me. My dad told me not to wear skirts in cities. – Aged 16-18 I got the train to college everyday. It was always just 6th form students and commuters on my train. The stares of the 50+ aged men as they walked along the train aisles or stood over me on the train always made me feel dirty before it was even 8am. – Aged 19 I was assaulted by a man while backpacking. These are just some of the events that have stood out to me. There are too many to list them all; every cat-calling, bum-groping, inappropriate stare, time I’ve been followed home or messages I have received online. Those things have blended into ‘normal’ life and part of what I expect (if not accept) as a woman.

Helen

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I went out to a bar/restaurant with a whole bunch of friends to celebrate a birthday. We were all sitting at one of those long, skinny bar-height tables. A lot of foot traffic was going back and forth behind us. I was sitting between my date and the birthday boy. I was wearing basically a go-out-T shirt and pair of black pants with flats. Nothing weird. At first, I thought it had gotten crowded, as people seemed to be brushing by my butt, so I scooted further and further in under the table. It kept happening. Like all evening. I was finally so far under the table that I was sitting only on the front edge of the stool. My men friends’ butts were sticking out way further than mine. Finally I said to them, that people were bumping into to me and scraping across my hind end and that it was too crowded. They laughed at me. It was men walking by randomly running their hands (or whatever) across my butt!! My friends acted like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. Expected. I was angry but what was I going to do? After that I tried to keep an eye out for passing gropers, but god they must be good at it because I couldn’t tell who it was.

Kit

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There is one boy in my year (year 11) that was convicted of sexually harassing a female student but he wasn’t expelled, just moved out of her classes and told he couldn’t go near her. Him and his friends ruined school property and were told that they wouldn’t be going to prom, the end of year school trip or the sixth form because of it, but it’s almost certain that they will allow them after it’s ‘blown over’. Another time a couple of boys in the year below started groping my friends in the lunch queue so they left and told the deputy headmistress about it, but they said they couldn’t do anything because they didn’t know the names of the boys – there was not even the slightest attempt at an investigation. At lunch times the ‘lads’ use the classroom’s speakers to play expletive rap music that glorifies drugs and rape culture, but when teachers come in they just walk back out without batting an eyelash! School is a place of learning and at the moment what we are learning is that people will turn a blind eye to this kind of behaviour, which is completely unacceptable, because not only does it teach the boys that it’s ok and they won’t be called out on it, it teaches the girls that there is no point complaining as nothing’s going to be done about it, forcing them into acceptance.