16

I was at a friends for her 17th birthday. There was just 4 of us, 3 girls and 1 boy. I knew the boy was a creep and had been in trouble in the past (apparently blackmailed a 14 year old girl to send nude pictures) so I was always wary of him but I promised my friend that I would be kind to him. I felt safe drinking with such a small group but of course I got way too drunk. I had never been that drunk before. We were all drunk (or so I thought) and were cozied up on the sofa. I grabbed his crotch and kissed him neck, slurring my words but at that point (while I would have never done that sober) I was comfortable. I started feeling really tired and so asked my friend if I could go to her bedroom. I asked the group if anyone would come up and cuddle with me. I have only admitted to one person that at that point I wanted it to be him. The girls wanted to stay downstairs so he came up. He took a while and I actually went down to call for him. I even took off my sanitary pad before he came up. However by the time he got into the bed, the alcohol really hit me and I was out of it. I felt like i was floating in and out of consciousness. He then started kissing me and grabbing my boobs. I distinctly remember slurring out the word no repeatedly and I was so frustrated that I couldn’t move. I still don’t know if that was just because of the alcohol or if I froze out of fear. He then attempted to finger me – I remember the pain. i don’t know how long it took place and if he tried to insert his penis. Finally I came to the point where i felt conscious again. I remember turning over to see him facing away from me and I thought he might be asleep. I felt down and my underwear wasn’t there anymore and I asked him what happened to them. He sounded tired and said something along the lines of “I don’t know you must have taken them off”. I started realising what had happened and panicked. I found my knickers, shoved them on and went to the bathroom. I then cried sat in the bathtub and eventually rang a friend – it was 5am. I don’t know how long we were talking and what I sounded like but I know I was sobbing and eventually she said she was coming to get me. I went back in the room to grab my stuff and he was asleep in the bed. I went downstairs and asked my friend to let me out and she almost refused but she could see how upset I was but I said i was fine. My friend was outside in the backseat of a car driven by her boyfriends mum with her boyfriend in the passenger seat. I cried the rest of night while my friend held me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Eventually I walked home the next day and got a really hot shower. I told a friend who was close with him and eventually I told the friend whose house it happened at. Eventually i was forced to make a statement, by my head of sixth form, at the police who when I refused to tell them who did it made me go to social services because I was 16. My friend who picked me up went to every appointment with me and gave me all the cigarettes I felt I needed to stay calm. The man who dealt with my case was awful and implied it was mothers fault as she had a statement that was retracted about her to social services when I was 6. Then he said it was my fault for drinking. It was an awful experience and he kept threatening to tell my parents and the meeting were to see if I was mature enough to deal with what happened without parental involvement. He judged that I smoked and drank so I did everything I could in the months after the assault to prevent him from telling my parents. My mum has always believed that what you are wearing and if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs means you are at fault if an assault takes place so her finding out was honestly the worst thing I could imagine. Eventually it was dropped. It was almost be 2 years and I still really struggle with it.