Dear Laura,
I saw your TED talk from 2014 on youtube. Thank you. It was thought provoking, and made me again stop and reflect on my own character. I think of myself as not being a sexist: I went to mixed schools from a young age and so have been accustomed to being out-competed by girls all my life, both physically and intellectually. My little sister is more successful than my older brother and I, and I am not only happy for her, but I recognise that it is entirely merited as well. My wife is more intelligent than I am (this is objectively true; we met at medical school where she ranked 1st out 250+ students in the year) and I think of us as being equally capable. My other more basic ‘non-sexist’ credentials are that I have never assaulted or hit a woman, trolled anyone, cat-called or asked anyone to show me their breasts (who I did not fully believe would be happy to do so). I have grown up in a context where sexism has at least not been overtly apparent to me, so I don’t think it is in any way a ‘norm’ to me.
On considering the evidence of my behaviour it would be easy to think that I am as good as it gets, but closer reflection reveals that all is not quite as it seems. I now have 3 children, a son and two daughters, and the birth of my daughters has made me much more conscious about the challenges that face women. It struck home when I realised that my first go-to compliment that I pay my daughter is that she is beautiful (which she is). I now make a conscious effort to compliment her for her strength, intelligence and speed (which she also has by the bucket load). The fact that it wasn’t my first instinct with her troubled me though. I don’t mind that she likes Disney princess (especially the newer more capable and empowered ones) or that she wants to be pretty already at 3 years old, but it is much more urgently important to me now that she sees herself for more than that and that she has role models that are both capable and female, as well as male and enlightened. That women and men are interested in each other beyond sexuality, but can collaborate to achieve a meaningful goal (the next generation of Disney films perhaps…?). The fact that this lack didn’t occur to me before having daughters shows to me that I am at least a bit complicit in a sexist culture, simply by not seeing it.
I also worry about how my son will develop his understanding of women. I was a late-teenager at the time when the internet first entered our homes, and I freely admit that I watched online pornography. It was normal to me and I at least think that it did not change my perception of women. I know that no matter what parental controls I apply, my son will encounter pornography at a much younger age than I did, and the nature of it is so much more unpleasant now. It seems ludicrous to believe that that doesn’t impact on how young men perceive women and the expectations of sexual relationships that they will have.
What really struck me during your talk though was two uncomfortable realisations. When the video started the first thought that popped into my head was: ‘wow she is hot’. I can tell myself that at that point I had no other basis for forming an opinion about you other than how you appeared, but the reality that I have to accept is that there is something unpleasant hard-wired in the male psyche. If that is my response, given that I think of myself as an enlightened man, what sort of responses are my daughters going to face throughout life? I would apologise for that reaction but that is a too little too late. I have to accept that at least to some extent I am sexist.
The other uncomfortable realisation came when you were sharing the story about being groped on the bus and everyone looking away. I am taller, heavier and stronger than the average man (this is again objectively true and not a matter of narcissism). I mention it because it deepens my shame in realising that if I were on that bus I would also probably not have intervened. Not because I approve of a man groping you, it is beyond any doubt wrong. It is to do with what the sequence of events from the point of my intervening would have been. A man telling another man off (who has already demonstrated a lack of empathy and adherence to social norms) will almost inevitably result in a physical confrontation, which I would lose simply because I have limits. I lived in London, and currently practice as a doctor. I have seen first-hand the results of fights involving people who are willing to stomp on another person’s face or stab them in the neck. The only way to ensure a peaceful outcome would have been to confront the person as part of a coalition, which was not immediately available to those people on the bus with you and that is why they did (and I also would have done) nothing. It is not farfetched to claim that confronting someone on night bus in London as a lone man is a potentially life threatening thing to do. And yet it makes me ashamed to admit it; we would all love to be heroic. By way of apology to all the women on night buses who have experienced what you did all I can say in pathetic defence is that when I have witnessed sexism in the workplace or in more normal social situations (where I am clearly not risking injury) I have confronted people about it. But is does seem a shallow excuse. What if it was my little girl on that bus? That is the question men have to ask themselves.
My one final thought about the video though was that the audience had very few men in it. Your message is critically important; I just don’t think it is getting to the people who actually need to hear it. I have waffled on a bit but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Thank you for the talk and I wish you the best of luck.