Anonymous

I am a man.

I was also assigned female at birth, so for a large portion of my life I was expected to present and behave as a female, and was perceived to be one.

All the while, my mind thought and acted as a man, and I often was confused as to why I was being treated differently to other young men. Like my peers, I cracked typically “masculine” sounding jokes at the bar, and prior to transition these were rarely acknowledged, and I found myself commonly being ostracised as a result. I noticed women making these jokes as well, and they received the same lack of recognition.

Prior transition, remarks were made about my high voice, and I found it to be a great effort to make my voice heard in all male environments. I assumed it was because it was physically not as loud, but I have since found out, that upon hearing a female sound, the other men ignored my comments by choice.

That being said, while I was being perceived as a woman, people were more caring towards me. There was an assumption that I was inherently vulnerable, and so people insisted that I travelled home in cabs which they happily paid for, doors were opened for me, and I was offered help carrying heavy loads. One could argue that as a young man, I still need such assistance, but society dictates that I am no longer entitled to it in the way a woman would be.

I was raised as a strong independent person, with the firm belief in my upbringing that gender was an arbitrary and irrelevant concept that was never going to hold me back. I believed this for many years. Unfortunately, it was only after beginning to live life as my true male self did I begin to discover the reality of sexism. I have gone from being a slightly bizarre and “eccentric” female, who was always held at wide birth, never fully being accepted on an equal level; to being a well liked and respected man. Other men were openly delighted after I came out as male. They made remarks, with good intentions, implying how much better my life was goin to be now that I was on the “winning side”. Nothing in my personality had changed; it was only my presentation that had miraculously “improved”.

One could argue that I was simply experiencing difference between the gender roles. Unfortunately, I can say with conviction, that the world treats me better now that I am living as a man. The very reason that I am posting this account anonymously is because misogyny has made me feel a sense of shame about my history. I am fearful that should people learn of it, I might lose my newly established rights and status that I have since “earned” post transition. I defend none of it and my discoveries horrify me.