Magdalena

English is not my mothertongue but I’ll try my best

The first time I realised that the world still is cruel to girls was when I was 13 years old, maybe 12. I was walking down the streets in a skirt and slightly heeled shoes. It wasn’t more than 2 or 3 centimeters, but they were my moms shoes and I loved them and their pretty purple colour.
Then a man stopped next to me in a car. He asked: “excuse me?”. And since I thought he might be lost and needed help with directions, I went over to help. But his next sentence was: “You’re a very pretty lady, you…”. And I said: “thank you but I have to go home.” and walked away in a zone which was forbidden for cars and as soon as I was out of sight I started running.
Even though he just said that, and didn’t touch me, it terrified me. His words and the way he looked at me was enough to make me cry on my way home. I was a kid.
As soon as I saw my parents I told them about what happened and my dad said, that that’s the time that stuff like that start, and that I should be more careful from now on. My mother told me again, not to get in the car with strangers, no matter what he or she might say. That I am always allowed to say no, even or especially if I don’t have a reason why I want to say no.
I promised myself to never ever say Yes if I don’t mean it, but still was afraid. What should I do, if a stranger or even someone I know doesn’t ask or doesn’t even try to hear my no.

Despite the fact that I’ve promised to myself to never say yes if I didn’t mean it by heart, I have slept with my ex boyfriend, when I didn’t wanted to, because I felt like I had to, especially when the relationship started failing I thought that it was my fault, and if I wern’t able to keep the relationship as happy as it was at the beginning, it would be my duty to at least pleasure him physically.
It hurted every single time because I couldn’t relax.

I’ve also slept with a friend of mine, because I knew that he compared himself too much to a friend of him, that I sometimes casually hooked up with. We made jokes about it, and as soon as he broke up with his now ex girlfriend he really wanted me. I got called mean from another friend in this group of friends, for not sleeping with him. Then I actually got drunk and well, did it. Since then whenever he texted me he told me that he wanted me in his bed again. It was good sex, but the more he pushed me the less I wanted to be near him. I didn’t want to be touched by him. He stoped asking me about me, only wheter I wanted to stay over night. And once he even made me drunk on purpose, so that I would want or even need to stay over.
After some time I told them that I wanted to stop having casual sex, because I wanted sex to mean something again.
They didn’t really get it but were ok with it. But that friend touched me the whole day and whined about how badly he wanted sex with me because it was the closest to “making love” he has ever felt. How could he ever think that my body was his to use?

These stories were about some of my personal experience, and I’m not sure how much they show that sexism is aweful or anything valid. They are more of a summery of some stupid decisions and thoughts I’ve made or had. But am I the weird one who had thoughts like that, or felt pressure without reason, or was it more?
Also I’m normally a very strong, independent woman. If we assume that there are more people out there who have felt like me and even me who is supported by my family, other, better friends than I talked about before and actually know, that I have a right to reject and still have struggles to find a balance as soon as it comes down to sex, if I have struggles to say no, who doesn’t?
I hope it’s easier for you.