I had two experiences where I was touched against my will. One was when I was a child. This was done by another child. But I didnt want it. I could not say no. It was from the age of 4yrs old until I was 10. When I mentioned this to a professional, after remembering it for the first time, when I was 19 I was told ‘thats what kids do. This is normal’. But it wasnt. Because I did not want it and had never been taught what to do when I didnt want something.
The second experience was when I was 19, just after I remembered the stuff from my childhood. I was on vacation and a guy asked me to take a picture of him in front of the ocean. Afterwards we spent the day in the city, ending up holding hands. I felt more and more uncomfortable. I told myself ‘he might be the right one.I am already 19 and havent been in a relationship, this might be my only chance. Don’t make such a fuzz’… It ended up in me convincing myself to do everything he wanted me to and just being able to stop him before the actual sex.
I have been in therapy for 9 years (I’m 24 now) and havent been able to talk about this, because of the responses I have gotten when indicating the topic (Thats not so bad. Its normal. etc). I convinced myself it was normal, ended up in the psych ward several times. Last year I took the courage to start trauma therapy and finally found someone who acknowledges that ‘If it was a bad experience for you, it is valid and important to talk about it for us.’ Since then my life switched over and is better now. But it took almost 20 years since the first incident and 4 yrs since the last.
