In my years leading up to higher education, I attended an arts school. This school had models and dancers, and very few straight men, so I got very little attention from the opposite sex.
My first year in university contrasted that entirely; I was sexy, men wanted to be with me, women wanted to be friends with me. I had never experienced this kind of attention. I felt loved and beautiful. I had a sexual experience with a friend, and it was casual, and I realized I could have pleasurable experiences without dating people, which I didn’t know before hand. This same “friend,” however, repeatedly had sex with me while I was extremely drunk, when I had previously stated I didn’t want to have any more sex with him sober. This happened twice before I caught on, but he would make a big show of “rescuing me” from a perceived predator and then, (once physically carrying me,) to our dorm block, where he would tell me I was too drunk to go to my room, offer me a place in his bed, and eventually have sex with me.
I didn’t realize this was abnormal. I did know that when he kicked me out after having sex with me, I felt sick, dirty and used, both times too drunk to make it to my own bed.
After researching sexual assault, I confronted one of our mutual friends about my belief that he sexually assaulted me. She told him. He began verbally abusing me to all of our friends, limiting my contact with our mutual friends, crying to anyone that would listen that I was, “ruining his life.” This was not my intention, I had barely understood what sexual assault was, and just wanted to broach the subject with someone I thought would understand. Immediately, all my friends stopped contacting me, would say I was over-reacting. I felt so guilty for ruining his life, but I didn’t understand what I did to deserve the things thrown at my door late at night, the verbal abuse when I would see him/ threatening body language when he would hang out with the few friends I still talked to while I was there, largely uninvited. I still felt terrible about making him feel bad, and thought I was lying to myself, until about two years ago, when I realized he had done this to other girls. He had sexually assaulted me, and instead of feeling regret, sadness or any emotion other than anger, he chose to make me feel guilty, and alienate me, as he had done to the others.
I still feel as though I’m at fault, even though I realize a “friend” would never have sex with you while you are black out drunk, and attack you when you felt you had been victimized.
I dropped out that year.