trigger warning: sexual assault
i recently watched a show where there was a plot for one of the characters where she gets sexually assaulted on the bus. while i was watching the whole thing unfold and the way she handled it, i couldn’t really understand why i felt so uncomfortable and uneasy until i realised i had been locking away trauma from several years ago.
when i was 12, my math teacher said that i was going to become a porn star because i got accepted into art school under the theatre program. he said it so casually in front of everyone in class (i went to a co-ed school, so there were boys in the class as well), and i couldn’t say anything because i didn’t want to make a scene, and i thought that it was normal because he was the cool teacher and is open about all sorts of topics. even when i mentioned it to my parents at that point in time, they didn’t really say or do anything, and i thought it was normal. it didn’t really sink in until now, at the age of 21, that what happened was very much wrong, and to think that this was someone in the education sector and was also a parent himself, openly sexualising a child in front of everyone, once again enforcing the idea that men can say anything to anyone. to the boys in that class, who now would think that they can say that a girl will go into the porn industry without any consequences, it scares me.
the year after that, i was sexually assaulted on a crowded train. someone’s hand had brushed against my crotch and the first time, i thought it was an accident, but then it happened again, and again, and again. at that point, i was terrified and shocked and i didn’t know what to do. i didn’t know if anyone would have helped me if i had called for help, and the worst part was the thought that crossed my mind: “it’s okay, i’ll be reaching my stop soon, so i’ll just endure it until then.” i was really lucky that a woman next to me saw what was happening and immediately made me swap places with her because i think if she hadn’t done it, i would’ve gone the entire ride letting some man touch me without my consent.
i didn’t realise i had been sexually assaulted, because whenever i hear that phrase, i immediately think of rape. it didn’t seem serious enough to count as sexual assault, but i was, and it makes me angry and upset that i didn’t take it seriously enough to stand up for myself and say that i felt very much unsafe. i’m even angrier at the fact that my parents didn’t do anything, or even get mad on my behalf. and i hate that i went back on the train the next day as if nothing had happened because i thought it would be silly of me to be scared of the train. the thought of “this doesn’t usually happen so it’s fine. it’s a one time thing.” kept going through my mind, but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m now extremely anxious every time i enter an enclosed space with any men, i don’t feel safe going anywhere without something i can use as a weapon, and i’m scared to talk about this with anyone because i keep thinking that they’re going to say that it happened a long time ago and you should let it go.