I’ve always felt very feminine, even as a child. But only know as a 23 year old have I actually been able to express that. My family, and my old friends were apart of that subtle and unsubtle rhetoric about females, femininity, and such. Because of that, I buried everything and tried to pass very androgynous. It made me feel so lonely. It was through a passion for reading feminist critical theory that I started to see how even I was othering myself. I still feel incredibly confused about myself and currently I dont really know if I have any gender dysphoria or if I’m just so adverse by my own masculinity because it felt like a straight jacket and I dont know how to process it.
I finally feel comfortable to dress in women’s clothes and it does make me feel like myself. But since then, I’ve also found that my other Male colleagues dont always look me in the eye in conversation. My mother – and much of my family – do treat me differently, referring to my clothes as ‘wacky’ or as if I’m trying to ‘make a statement’ or as clear as ‘men shouldn’t wear women’s clothes, you don’t want to be a transvestite’. And so I’ve found that I’ve had to draw those relationships to a close because no matter how many conversations we have, all they can do is pass it off as ‘something different’. And that’s been hard. I’m not entirely sure what my point is.
But what does hurt is that my partner is uncomfortable with me wearing makeup. I understand in the 5 years weve been together, I went through a very sudden and hasty change, but I do wish I could without feeling guilty or anything.
I also understand that my issues here are in no comparison to what so many other people go through and so apologise if I’ve wasted anyone’s time or space in this project.
