Friend

Florence Hart

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At a house party full of friends I was sexually assaulted. A male friend, with his girlfriend present upstairs, complained about his relationship with her. He stated how miserable he was, that having sex with her was like ‘shagging a sister’. I was extremely uncomfortable and reiterated that the relationship should end and dodged his company. Later that evening he followed me to the kitchen where he continued to share faults about his girlfriend. I was alone and when I went to leave he shoved his hand down my top, into my bra and grabbed my breast. He would not let go, I had to peel his fingers away while telling him no. He rammed his face into mine, scratched my neck and breasts and attempted to kiss me while repeatedly groping me. I shoved him away and he came back. I shoved him more forcefully and was able to get away. I didn’t tell anyone. I felt guilty and I blamed myself and deep down I suspected everyone else would too. Later that night, the man who assaulted me ran off. We all went searching for him as he was drunk and we were surrounded by hidden ditches, many rivers and a canal. Everyone, including myself, worried that he may end up drowning. We did find him and suddenly I wished that we hadn’t, I couldn’t believe that I had that thought. I became depressed, I shut myself off and had repeates nightmares of being raped. Often by men that I identified as friends. Eventually I did tell my three closest female friends who were incredible and they challenged him. Only one is still friends with him now. But it was more the predictable behaviour of the males in my groups, when they found out they did nothing. I was removed from the friendship group and stayed friends with the man guilty of sexual assault. Even his girlfriend blamed me. The attitude towards it is so disheartening (understatement). Even when I told my mum about it she responded with ‘he can’t help it, he must really like you’. My boyfriend couldn’t understand it until I told him every heartwrenchijg detail several months after the sexual assult. I had to almost prove that 1) it is bad 2) I was the victim. I couldn’t get empathy from majority of my friends and family. So why would you ever report it?

Anne

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There are countless stories of everyday sexism. I think many of these men genuinely believe they are good, kind, respectable guys. I cannot really talk about these stories with people. When I do try, I try to explain how much something affected/affects me, but they then talk about it as something I could and should just ‘brush off’. I’ve been told “Don’t let it bother you so much” or “It’s just something guys do” so, so many times. I’m relieved I can share one story here. A supposed ‘good guy’ and ‘friend’ asked me to go to a party with him. I agreed to it, knowing mutual friends of ours would attend. When we were walking to the party, I took the precautionary measure of basically telling him (as kindly and respectfully as I could): “Hey, I don’t know if you intended your invitation to this party as an invitation to date, but just know I don’t see it that way and I have no feelings for you. I want us to remain friends.” He basically said: “Of course, I never considered this party a date either”. After the party, we walked back to our houses. A car passed. He suddenly pulled me aside, supposedly to protect me from the car (not that I needed any protection, of course, I am perfectly capable of stepping away from the car as I always do), but really to press me up the wall of one of the houses at the side of the street. He put his hands on the wall, with me being stuck in the middle. He leaned forward slowly (thank God), and I managed to lift my right hand, putting it on his chest, gently (I didn’t have much strength) pushing him away from me, repeating the word “No” many, many, times. He continued to lean back in and kiss me a few times, but after a while (maybe 20 seconds or so, but it’s hard to say) he finally stopped saying: “I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do”. He must have thought that was soo gentlemanly of him to say. We continued walking, I was quiet and upset. He didn’t seem to notice. 5 minutes later, we were at my house. He said goodbye, sort of grabbed me, and tried to kiss me again. Since I couldn’t really move because he was standing so close and he was sort of holding me, I did what I could to avoid his mouth. He ended up planting a disgusting kiss on my forehead. Then I angrily told him he couldn’t just do this again after I had made it very clear that I didn’t want to kiss him (or anything else for that matter) just 5 minutes earlier (as well as at the start of the evening), he just kind of laughed. I quickly went home. In the proceeding weeks, he kept finding excuses to touch me and he kept trying to hold my hand (he would just bluntly take it sometimes, I always pulled it back) many, many times. I told him ‘no’ and “I do not have feelings for you, nor do I want to date you” many, many times. Clearly, he did not consider the attempted kisses (or his other behavior) that had horrified (and continue to horrify) me to be ‘bad’ at all. When I had worked up the courage to talk to him about the attempted kisses (and his other behavior) weeks later, it became immediately clear that he thought his behavior was perfectly normal, because he was really surprised to learn that it had affected me. He was embarrassed for trying to kiss me that night of the party and apologized (Which is a relatively good response, since I also have many stories in which guys do not own up at all and tell me I’m too sensitive). He seemed sincere, but even so, I do not think he really knows how much it affected me. He may do it again to another girl.

Beatrice Casini

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In college(Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois, circa 1991) when I was a sophomore, I often had multiple colleagues over to my apartment on campus (Student Apartment Complex) to study and chat. The apartment had two rooms and I had two female roommates and all of us were usually in attendance in the evenings. Sometimes folks would fall asleep, including me, when I was tired, trusting that those who remained awake would hang out and then let themselves out when they were ready. One night, I was lying down with my eyes closed (I can’t remember if I was asleep and was woken up by the incident or if I was drifting when it began; This is the first time I am attempting to write this down, over 30 years later.) What I DO know is that my breasts suddenly were being caressed by a male student. The touching was absolutely unwanted and I was instantly fully awake and aware of it. No one had asked me anything and there certainly was nothing of a remotely sexual nature going on beforehand – indeed, I am sure said student was certain that I was asleep and that his actions were being unobserved. I was horrified, deeply uncomfortable, shocked, scared, frozen… My panicked heart was beating fast…and I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep until he stopped. I remember doing the fake sound-and-slightly-change-position thing to try and get them to naturally stop…but that didn’t work. For decades, I didn’t tell anyone. I now understand all the societal cues that conspire to teach girls and women “not to make a fuss”, to be embarassed by calling something like that out or engaging with a perpetrator, etc, etc. I knew who the person was. They were my peer, in my major, for years afterward (though I was always uncomfortable around them after that.) I never confronted or told them about it nor did I tell anyone else until decades later (only two people and with no specificity.) I know who they are. They live abroad in Dublin with a wife and children and can often be seen engaging in very intellectual, high-minded style commentary on social media. Every time I see that it makes me a little sick inside. For a long time, I put it on the back burner of my mind and said “No big deal” but, over the years, I have to admit, its bothered me more and more…and more. Now it makes me mad. The whole enormously tiny incident is so indicative of the casual pervasiveness of everyday sexual assault and my choice to let it go and let him off the hook, not only in the moment, but for decades afterward is heartbreaking to the woman I am now and women everywhere. I still know who it is and have a casual connection to his reality via Facebook. He dated my best friend back in the day. He has a family and is probably a decent person fella. So what. I have wanted to say out loud for a very long time that “nice”, “mild-mannered”, “sweet”, “generous”, “upright”, “thoughtful” [redacted by administrator] sexually assaulted me in college, got away with it and has made no effort to make amends to someone he supposedly likes. He has not ever acknowledged his deed in any way or apologized to me. I believe I have forgiven him but I had to do that work by myself and for myself with no effort from him and that sucked. He probably thinks we are friends to this day. We are not.

Emily

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On Sunday night I decided to go to the bar with the guys from work (on a work trip). After a lot of drinks, *Liam* felt comfortable to tell me that he liked me, and I immediately told him that I did not reciprocate those feelings. A bit later he started rubbing my thigh so, I said that he can’t touch me like that. I asked his brother to take me home and I told him and a manager of our company that it was because Liam had tried to make a move on me, so his brother took me home alone and went back to get the guys. I showered and hopped in bed and forgot to lock my door, which I did every night because the door didn’t shut without sliding the latch lock. I woke up in the middle of the night to Liam holding me in his arms and I couldn’t breathe. I have no idea how he got there. I got up and noticed that he had locked the door himself and felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and cried as I called one of my girlfriends. I went back to bed and asked him why he was there, he tried to touch me again and told me he couldn’t remember how he ended up in my bed. When I told him to get out, he didn’t so I went to sleep on the couch and when I woke up again, he was carrying me back to bed. After I was in bed I tried to fake being asleep so that he would go away but I could hear him pacing around my room. Eventually he sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my leg, so I moved. He then laid back down in my bed with a pillow wall in between us and told me how much he liked me. I told him that those feelings were in no way reciprocated and if I made him feel that they were I apologize. I even tried to make him feel better because I didn’t know what to do or how to get him to leave. I told him to get out of my bed one last time, he tried to touch my arm, then threw a pillow at me and left. The next day he was super upset and played a bunch of love songs in the car on the way home. That’s the only part that He actually apologized for. The “awkward” car ride. Liam was my friend. Someone I trusted fully and I am so saddened that he betrayed my trust like this.

Flora

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I´m am 19 and writing a thesis on sexualised assault on women. I was supposed to be finished in June, but whilst writing in January i had a mental breakdown, because I realised the depth of my own experiences. Especially one incident, that occurred 2 years prior, where a friend, that I loved deeply but platonically, sexually abused me. Until January I was mostly convinced that everything was mostly my fault because my heart would break even more knowing that he could and would do such a thing to me. Since then I have begun to grasp the daily sexism and violations against me and remember my naïve conversation with a guy who repeatedly tried to force himself on me and stopping after repeatedly saying no and or running away. When he realised the vileness of his actions he sat down with me one day and told me how sorry he was and that he sees now the barbarity he had done, I responded (at the age around 16) with: don’t worry about it, I’m used to it, happens all the time.

Ella

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My dad and I were heading north from a relative’s house and were stopping to stay the night at a friends house. They had a family of 4, dad, mom, and 2 sons. I was watching a movie with the younger son who is a year older than me (i’m 13 but going to be a freshman). We’re sitting on separate coaches but the dad walks in. He starts touching me in ways I’m not exactly comfortable with but that don’t scream sexual assault or anything. Keep in mind I’m not at all close with this man, I just meet him every once in a while since I was a child. He touches my thigh, and pulls my head down to kiss the top of it, lastly he holds my hand. My hand is all sweaty because I want to pull away but he’s seems a bit confrontational and I’m just not. I try to softly pull my hand away but he just grips harder, so I rip it away. (I forget the order here) My dad has just come into the room and tells him to stop and that he’s making me uncomfortable. He starts complaining that I ripped my hand away but I was cuddling my dad last night (I’ll tell about this later). During all of this his son has just been looking at the screen and said one thing telling his dad to stop but not in a real stop kind of way. I honestly felt uncomfortable with the way dad said that I was uncomfortable, the blame should’ve been put on that man because of the way he was touching me, not on me because I was weirded out. Previously this man (on the same trip but when we were going south and stopped again) had told me to put my leg down because women shouldn’t spread their legs. He had also walked into the room my dad and I were sleeping in (no knocking) and made some comment about a daughter hugging her dad. He talks in Malayalam (my mother tongue but I don’t know it), so all his comments mostly fly over my head but doesn’t switch the language even though I’ve told him multiple times I don’t understand. I later learned that he is turning into an alcoholic and he was most likely pretty drunk during this. This doesn’t in any way excuse the way he acted, it was the first time I felt attacked by weird comments from men. This was a man I had known almost my entire life and the other people in the room ignored it. I honestly would understand for the younger son because I would also feel uncomfortable calling out my own dad. Before when he made the leg comment (sons weren’t in the room), after the older one came down he asked me if my dad had said anything ‘weird’. This wasn’t a irregular things and I’m going to have to see him tomorrow because he’s coming north. I have another female friend with me though, hopefully he’s not drunk this time.

Catarina

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I’m a 17 year-old girl. When I was 15 I was once with a group of friends at the city public swimming pool and when we were all in the water, a guy friend of mine was somewhat holding onto me from the back, which I was okay with, but he took that moment of proximity for his advantage and grabbed my boobs with no sign from me that would ever indicate I wanted or was okay with such thing, I immediately told him not to do that and that it wasn’t okay since he never asked. That same day, I was floating with my back up, and he slapped my ass “as a joke”, everyone laughed, but once again I said it wasn’t okay and that I didn’t want him touching me. The rest of the day I just felt off, I wanted distance from him, I didn’t want to look at him, I felt used and somewhat shameful. What bothered me the most wasn’t what he did for itself, it was that he never asked for permission nor did he stop when I very clearly said “No”. It’s been about two years, I bet he doesn’t even remember doing it, but I know I won’t ever forget it.

Isa

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We used to have a friend of the family, who was a few years older than me. When he was 17 and I was 9 he came over to our place with his mum. I always liked it when they did, he always let me play on his phone and I always felt so calm around him. We went up to my room and sure enough, I got to play on his phone. But this time he had a condition, I could play any game I liked, but afterwards, we would play a game of his choosing. They were agreeable terms. Except the game he wanted to play was to give each other handjobs. I was 9 years old and had hardly any knowledge about sex. I “played along”. He told me that you weren’t supposed to play the game when you were just a kid and it would be best if I kept quiet. I didn’t tell anyone. As he came over more often the games got more intense and as I often wouldn’t be up for it he would sometimes tie my hands behind my back. Saying we would play until I broke free, as a fun little twist on the game. He told me that if I didn’t play along he would tell my parents that I kept trying to make moves on him and then I would get in trouble. As I got older I obviously realised what we were doing. What I did not realise is that this wasn’t my fault. I told him to stop and he didn’t. I couldn’t possibly tell anyone for I would have to admit that this was going on for quite some time. As he said, it would simply reflect badly on me. I simply couldn’t see a way out. I avoided him as much as I could. I shut myself off. Then after 5 years, he let it slip to a friend who told his parents, who told mine. My parents didn’t know how long it had gone on for. They just knew that it had occurred more than once… My mum simply stated that part of me must have wanted it to happen or it would’ve stopped after the first time. Thus, confirming my fear that I was indeed to blame. It still haunts me in every relationship I form with a man.

Kendal.c

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When i was young i think 6 me and my boy best friend hung out at my house,so we went to my room and both layed on the top bunk of my bed so while i was laying on my stomach my best friend got on top of me and started groping and humping and then stopped after a minute and asked if that was okay , but me being so young just didn’t answer and shrugged my shoulders but i did feel very uncombtorable i did not know what he was doing, he probaly did not not know what he was doing either since we were both 6. i am still friends with him to this day and i try not to bring it up since it was years ago

Leonie

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It was on New Years. I celebrated with a group of schoolfriends in the city. At 3 am the remaining group decided to go to a friends house. I wanted to get more comfortable so my freind gave me shorts and a straptop. At about 5 am i went to a room to sleep. It was very secluded. I woke up about 1 1/2 hours later to somebody lying next to me. He was inspecting me with a flashlight. Touching my breast and crotch. I dind’t really realise what was happening because I was drunk and I was in this place between awake and asleep. I only started movingafter he started to kiss me and i felt like suffocating. The next morning I did nothing. That was someone I knew for 7 years and he had never behaved like that. It was someone I trusted a friend. I couldn’t even be angry because I didn’t know how. I had boyfriend at that time and I couldn’t even think about having sex. I can still not think about sex at all without feeeling sick. He took a part of my freedome to not care away fom me because without doing anything this had happend.