Hi, I’m izzy. I’m 16, and for a while I’ve been in a bad mental place surrounding the multiple sexual assualts and rape I’ve undergone since the age of 13. Whoever’s reading this must be thinking “Oh gross she must live in some poor council estate with no parents”, or you may have been tempted to stop reading at the mention of the word rape. Rape. It’s not a word that I’m supposed to be using, is it? I’m a 16 year old girl, and it’s not ladylike. Well for whoever’s wondering, I live in Switzerland, I have a wonderful family, and great friends. But none of this changes the problems that all girls and women go through today. Despite all of this I was still a victim of rape multiple times, and despite what my brain has been telling me ever since my first encounter, it is not my fault. It’s not. I’ll even shout it from the rooftops! It’s not my fault!! Sexual assulay happens due to the social grooming that happens from a young age. School dress codes for example. Girls are literally blamed for actions they take due to what clothing they are wearing, and boys conform to this idealism. In my most recent sexual assualt case, two classmates raped me, after I had been prescribed anxiety medication not knowing that when mixed with alchohol, I would pass out. They proceeded to carry me to a bathroom and do what they wanted to me for about an hour before I started vomiting while unconscious and they decided they’d had enough, so they ran and left me. Eventually a bar tender found me and called the police and the ambulance. I was rushed to the hospital, and I kid you not when I say this was the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Well aware of this, a gynocologist was brought in to perform rape tests, despite the fact that I did not consent to this. My body was covered in injuries as well as on my neck and after sticking a number of things up me (which was extremely painful due to sexual trauma injuries) they then proceeded to photograph my entire body, including my genitals (which was for court evidence). As a 15 year old at the time, this was the most humiliating and degrading experience of my life. I had no recollection of the rape due to the fact that I had been unconscious, the only reason they had was that I had been found next to two used condoms. I was forced to stay in hospital for a night, wasn’t allowed to shower, all my clothes were taken away, and I was all alone. My mum had dropped by and was in tears but had left me for the night, covered in vomit, bruised and bleeding, with no one to talk to. The next day my head was still spinning and it felt like there was a fire in my gut. I had to do a filmed interview for the police that went on longer than two hours, where they grilled me and grilled me as to whether I had consented to anything. At this point part of me believed that the boys hadn’t done anything to me. I mean, they were my friends… right? In the interviews I did everything I could to protect my friends, and had the belief in my mind that I hadn’t actually had sex. They carried on questioning despite the fact that I told them I couldn’t remember anything. I was finally told a day later that yes I had had sex, and I remember completely breaking down, that something like this had been taken from me. In further police interviews, it was then that I really began to despise the entire justice system. After being put through hell already with the authorities, as well as the fact that I didn’t even want to pursue the case, but by law I had to, I was asked questions such as “what was I wearing”, “do my friends consider me promiscuous”, “had I had sex before”, “do I have a boyfriend”, “how many times have I had sex” and was asked more and more. It was honestly humiliating. And I had to do everything to hold back the tears. The justice system needs to change, as does victim blaming, because I’ve had enough. It’s not like they slipped and fell into my vagina??? There was literally physical proof that I was unconscious considering they ran blood tests, and there was no way I could have been conscious. Anyway the case got annulled due to “question of consent” because I said I didn’t remember anything. I want to share this and talk about it, but I can’t. In our society it’s looked down on to talk about such things, let alone relate to them. Even my own mother told me never to tell any boy that I’m involved with, because “no one will want me if they hear that”. Well I can tell you that my boyfriend at the time broke up with me because he didn’t want an emotionally complicated girl who got raped, but I can happily tell you that my current boyfriend is a feminists himself and knows about everything I’ve been through and is always there to support me. All in all, I don’t think just the rapists are at fault here, it’s our society and the way we view women, as well as victim blaming and fault in the justice system.
