ruth

I am seventeen years old. I got wolf whistled at on a run yesterday by a 30-40 year old man. last year a man came up to my mother and asked ‘to buy my pussy’ it was 5:30 in the evening. In year 8 I was at a bus stop in my uniform coming home from school, men knocked from inside a pub window and told me to come in for a drink, when I turned away they called me a slut. On a run when I was 15 I passed a group of boys who said ‘run fat bitch run’ and ‘ let me see those tits bounce’ as I passed one slapped by bum. I came home and cried and it took a year for me to go for a run again. I saw a man in the gym who was in my sisters year in primary, he is 21 I am 17, he looked me up and down and said ‘ well you’ve grown up ‘ and winked. I was in year 6 when a classmate said he could see my bra and that I have big tits for someone my age. I was rock climbing with a youth organization when a staff member, a 50 year old man, said ‘you have child bearing hips’, the same man never attended any sports events other than swimming, where we would be in swimming costumes all day, everyone knew why he chose to attend. I donated 17 inches of hair to create wigs, now ‘ I look like a boy with tits ‘. I didn’t respond to a boy on snapchat when he asked what knickers I had on, he said ‘your just a little slut who hasn’t had a good fucking yet’. the same boy saw me out and told me your look better when you smile. I go to rugby games, in queues old men grab my bum. I played rugby from ages 13-15, men who I told said ‘ girls playing rugby is something id like to watch ‘. I went on a walk with my older sister in the afternoon, walked past a van as a man said ‘don’t be boring show us those tits’. I was awarded an amazing engineering scholarship after months of hard work, I overheard the boys and a group of their friends who applied but didn’t succeed call me ‘fat’ ‘ugly’ ‘at least she has good tits’, they said ‘ she only got it because she is a girl but she wont do anything with her life’ another called me ‘stupid’ the lesson after he asked for my help, ‘but i thought I was stupid harry?’. later that night three of those boys messaged me one apologized, one didn’t say anything after I blanked him, the last one told me he only wanted to motorboat me anyway. I told the teacher who said what, I cried, something I never do, and missed my bus. he took the names of the boys who said things, that piece of paper was on his desk till I left school, nothing happened. ‘rugby? that’s a boys sport’. I’ve never had a boyfriend, I am constantly teased at home for this. I broke down in class once ‘ she’s just on her period’ my auntie had been diagnosed with stage three cancer that morning. I got told I was fat in year 8 by a boy I barely knew, since then I have made myself sick when I eat badly, its been four years I did it two days ago. ‘ do you think going to the gym makes you attractive, it doesn’t’. ‘well you developed early, men cant help it’ ‘ Ruth, I know you’re not the best looking but you have boobs and that will get you somewhere with boys’. ‘sexy’ ‘fit’ ‘massive tits’ ‘blowjob lips’ never ‘intelligent’ or ‘strong’.

I am 17. this is a fraction of my experiences, whistled at weekly, boys telling me what they would do to me. I feel worthless, a piece of meat. I am sat here crying at half two in the morning feeling worthless as I relive the thing people have said to me. I go out and im scared, I walk home a 5 foot 2 inch girl whose only protection is the keys she has stuck in between her fingers. I have many men in my life who I love, my father, brother, grandfather, my friends who have often been witness to men whistling at me ‘ignore them’ says matty while I have to stop ethan from trying to punch them. I love them and I know they would never hurt me. but in general I am scared of men and boys. I worry about dark alleys and walking past vans, just as I also worry about walking down the street in broad daylight with my mother. this is not okay.
I am 17 years old not even an adult yet.